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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay at a friends house?

199 replies

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 16:47

This has caused a lot of tension between me and DH but I just don't see the problem with it so please tell me AIBU?

I have a female friend at work whose house I go to one night a week for tea. Because we like to have a glass of wine (and watch a film in our pj's) I stay over and go straight to work the next day.

My DH has no issue with me going for tea, but doesn't like me staying over night and would rather I come home. I see no problem with it, we don't have children so have no commitment at home and I am always in the other 6 nights and have no hobbies.

We have agreed to disagree on it, I am still going every week but he is sulking about it every time.

So AIBU to stay out overnight every week?

OP posts:

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 18:22

unless it is going to be of major benefit

Friendship are a major benefit in life. A whiny needy husband less so.

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 06/02/2016 18:23

I've read some shite in my life and God alone knows a lot of it on here but all you people saying this is weird/Brokeback/excessive/no need etc etc - you seriously need to have stiff words with yourselves!
Life does not and should not end when you marry. Your partner should not be the sole axis of your existence. If there is no trust there is no marriage - it's a movie and sleepover for grown ups not a 'Grab a Stranger Fuckathon'!!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/02/2016 18:23

There's also no need for the dh to have feelings about her staying out. But he's not unreasonable for expecting her to do something there is no need for while the op is? Ok. There's a word for that handmaiden

stitch10yearson · 06/02/2016 18:23

A relationship is about compromise, on the part of both of you. If you need the internet to back you up, then you are already in the wrong. But thats just my opinion.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/02/2016 18:24

Each to her own, but it does sound a bit odd to me. I am old though!
If DH doesn't like it, could he come and pick you up, so that you don't have to drive, maybe not every week but some of the time?

JapanNextYear · 06/02/2016 18:25

I think your DH needs to get over himself...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/02/2016 18:25

Bollocks is it
A relationship should be about mutual trust, respect and a total lack of being a controlling prick for no reason. NOT compromising to your dh's pointless controlling whinges just because you married him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/02/2016 18:26

Delphinium- the husband is out at the pub anyway so I can't imagine he'd be willing to forgo that just to have her home. He just expects her home and waiting for him like a good girl.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 18:26

If you need the internet to back you up, then you are already in the wrong

Yeah so all the abused women on here who ask if they are right to leave are in the wrong are they?

LeaLeander · 06/02/2016 18:29

YANBU. He sounds clingy, selfish and controlling.

Elendon · 06/02/2016 18:30

I can't see the problem with this. Sounds like you have a good friend and they stay with you always. I think all relationships should have room for independence. It's healthy, with the exception of small babies in the mix.

Bohemond · 06/02/2016 18:32

I don't think it's a weird thing to do per se, just a weird thing to do weekly....

momb · 06/02/2016 18:33

This has really got me thinking.
If DH did this every week it would bother me. I have no idea why and completely acknowledge that IWBU to ask him to stop if he did this.
Is there a chance that your DH can't explain it either but has raised it as an issue anyway in the spirit of honesty/openness while knowing that he's being irrational?
There has to be a compromise that will enable you to continue doing what is a completely logistically sensible thing while making him feel less disenfranchised? Could either of you shift your regular night out so that his pub night so your movie night and his pub night coincide as he wouldn't see you on those nights anyway?
Or is there enough time for you to both get home from work, for him to drop you at your friend's for film and wine and then he collect you at 11pm?
I think he WBU to ask you to give up your regular film night with your friend, but he INBU to tell you how he feels.
YANBU, but perhaps a little intractable.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/02/2016 18:33

I think it's very nice and she partly does it for company when her partner is away during the week.

I would as a compromise either make it once a month or 2 or 3 weeks out of 4 rather than every week.

It's a bit rich though that once week he's at pub without you and once at a course and Late back yet expects you to put up with that and not have your time out/away.

Savagebeauty · 06/02/2016 18:35

I can't understand what the problem is.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 06/02/2016 18:36

Stitch your right a relationship is about compromise therefore he needs to compromise because she stays with him six other nights of the week. why should she be the one to lose out by compromising!

BoffinMum · 06/02/2016 18:42

TBH I think you are a bit weird wanting to have weekly sleepovers as a grown woman, but maybe that is just me.

It would annoy me if DH did this (apart from when he used to stay with his parents overnight to catch up with them and make sure they were OK).

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 18:44

apart from when he used to stay with his parents overnight to catch up with them and make sure they were OK)

How is it different from what OP does?

Dotandethel · 06/02/2016 18:44

I don't see a problem with this either, nor would my dh. I guess some people are more liberated than others. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you need to be glued together.

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/02/2016 18:47

YANBU. Just because you are married doesn't mean you are joined at the hip and can't see other friends. I go out for drinks and dinner with a male friend fortnightly. It's not an issue - sometimes DH comes with us if he fancies where we are going, but more often it's the two of us.

I also fail to see how PJs and a film on the telly suddenly becomes hot lesbo sex in some of your minds.

BoffinMum · 06/02/2016 18:50

He had a mother with end stage renal failure who was massively disabled and he was giving his full-time carer dad a break.

MudCity · 06/02/2016 18:52

I don't think your arrangement is unreasonable at all.

It's a nice thing to do, it's closer to work so logistically makes sense and saves petrol. It is one evening a week...and let's face it, once you get home from work there isn't a lot of evening left is there?

If you had children or pets it would be a bit different but, as you haven't, I think it's great. Too many people neglect their friendships when they are in a relationship...you aren't.

Speak frankly with your DH about what the issues are and why it makes him feel insecure but, also, be cautious about compromising to an extent where you give up something you enjoy.

madwomanbackintheattic · 06/02/2016 18:53

It is a bit weird. But I can't put my finger on why. Possibly just the amount of time involved - so for a month and a half of every year you are sleeping somewhere else? It's not like the odd night out or a girly weekend away, is it? It's actually more like living somewhere else for a month and a half of every year (and I get that people are away from their homes for all sorts of reasons - shift work, working away etc - hell I was in the military for 16 years) but this is sort of like choosing to live somewhere for a month and a half of every year for the express purpose of being with someone else (30 minutes away lol) just because you can't be bothered to drive home...

I think it's the rationale - I drive home after 10pm most nights (or dh does) partly because we live in a small town in the mountains and most of the evening 'things' happen a drive away (including meetings, kid's activities, social events etc). We have snow on the ground for six months of the year... It wouldn't occur to me to decide to set up an arrangement to stay somewhere else. That said, when my commute was 3 hours I did stay at work once a week to cut down on the driving. For 30 minutes? Nah.

Dafspunk · 06/02/2016 18:54

Stick to your guns, OP. I cannot understand how anyone could think that one night a week with a friend when you have no children or other responsibilities is a problem. I'd love to have a friend to do the same with. Enjoy it!

MadameDePompom · 06/02/2016 18:54

A relationship is about compromise, on the part of both of you. If you need the internet to back you up, then you are already in the wrong. But thats just my opinion.

To be fair your opinions do seem pretty ridiculous,

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