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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay at a friends house?

199 replies

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 16:47

This has caused a lot of tension between me and DH but I just don't see the problem with it so please tell me AIBU?

I have a female friend at work whose house I go to one night a week for tea. Because we like to have a glass of wine (and watch a film in our pj's) I stay over and go straight to work the next day.

My DH has no issue with me going for tea, but doesn't like me staying over night and would rather I come home. I see no problem with it, we don't have children so have no commitment at home and I am always in the other 6 nights and have no hobbies.

We have agreed to disagree on it, I am still going every week but he is sulking about it every time.

So AIBU to stay out overnight every week?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/02/2016 17:01

I'm really surprised to see so many people saying they'd be 'hurt' by this arrangement Confused

lanbro · 06/02/2016 17:02

I did this regularly as a single woman but wouldn't do it as a married woman, I find it odd. I might do it for a special occasion but certainly not weekly.

AlpacaMyThings · 06/02/2016 17:03

Can't you do once a month instead?

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 17:03

Taxi isn't an option. It would cost a fortune and my car would be stuck at her house when I need it to get to work the next day.

I'm not that bothered about the wine, and I could drive home around 10pm. I just don't see the point of driving in the dark, for 30 mins to get into my own bed when she lives nearer to our work.

OP posts:
hellsbells99 · 06/02/2016 17:03

I stay at my sisters once a week! Can't see his problem

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 17:05

Alpaca- yes I could. But I don't see why I should.

He has two evenings a week out. One night (the night I stay at my friends) he gets home around 9:30pm from a hobby. The other night he gets home around 11pm from the pub. I am usually in bed and asleep when he gets in so he might as well have stayed elsewhere!

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 06/02/2016 17:06

I think its fine.

theycallmemellojello · 06/02/2016 17:06

Personally I'd be upset if my DH chose to sleep away one night a week just to avoid a 30 min drive at 10pm (I'd feel differently about a 2 hour drive at midnight for eg, or if it happened once a month). But I agree DH doesn't have the right to sulk over it just because he feels upset.

seven201 · 06/02/2016 17:06

YANBU. Maybe you could compromise and stay only every fortnight although I don't think you should have to.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 17:07

So those suggesting OP stop staying over or reduce the frequency, what will that conversation go like with her friend?

"Sorry friend, i cant stay over any more because my husband doesnt like it?"

Maybe i'm more sensitive to those suggestions because i remember very well the partner that chipped away at my friendships leaving me very isolated and with no-one to lean on when we broke up.

RubbleBubble00 · 06/02/2016 17:10

he's out until 9.30pm anyway, I think he's bu. It's nice to keep contact with your friend and it's sensible to stay if it's nearer work and easier. If she doesn't have a partner, it's also great company too for her

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2016 17:12

My Dh is on night shift next week.

I can't wait for 5 glorious nights of starfishing the fuck out of our bed.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 17:13

Fwiw, its fine even if he isnt out til 9.30pm that night.

Women dont have to arrange their social lives around when their partner has no use for them.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 06/02/2016 17:13

So he can go away twice a year and is fine to go to bed without you but when you stay out he doesn't want to sleep without you...... Hmm

Sounds fine to me, I think he's being a twat.

GigiB · 06/02/2016 17:15

He is being unreasonable.

If he can't give you a good reason why he doesn't want you to do it, and its something you enjoy doing, then you can only agree to disagree.

theycallmemellojello · 06/02/2016 17:16

I am definitely not suggesting that people don't have friendships when they are in a relationship! If this is the only way the OP can make it work then fair enough. I guess I just differ about it being pointless going home when the other person has gone to bed. To me it makes all the difference being able to give DH a sleepy goodnight kiss and to exchange a few words with him in the morning. Both DH and I work long hours sometimes, and that might be all the time we get together Monday to Friday, so I do value it. But every relationship is different, I don't think it has to work that way. Just saying that I don't think that the DH's perspective is completely unreasonable, though nor is the OP's.

acasualobserver · 06/02/2016 17:19

Has he ever said why, exactly, he doesn't like this arrangement? I'll admit, when you described it, I did find it a bit odd to begin with. But then I couldn't think of a really good or logical reason why it was odd.

JessieMcJessie · 06/02/2016 17:20

He's being a big baby. And I am appalled by expatinscotland's Brokeback Mountain comment- how juvenile!

Bohemond · 06/02/2016 17:20

I think it is weird - sorry!
But I don't think your husband can tell you not to do it.

Zucker · 06/02/2016 17:20

He's being an eegit, of course it's fine! Tell him to get himself a person sized pillow for the one night you're missing.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 06/02/2016 17:22

I'm jealous I wish I had a friend I could sit in my pj's with and watch films once a week I think HIBU

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 17:25

I'm jealous I wish I had a friend I could sit in my pj's with and watch films once a week I think HIBU

I did have one until i allowed my exp's feelings to take priority over mine.

LexieSinclair · 06/02/2016 17:25

Wow I'm shocked by the amount of people saying they wouldn't like this. I love it when my DH is away overnight, as much as I love him it is a treat to have my own space.
OP I don't saw the problem at all.

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 17:25

We barely speak in a morning as he doesn't get up until I have left the house anyway.

I'm really baffled by people who think it is weird! I have lots of friends that I enjoy spending time with and DH had hobbies that he enjoys that take one evening a week plus every other Saturday day time. We have never lived in each other's pockets so I was surprised he started having an issue with me staying out one night a week.

If he had a valid reason, such as having children to be around for then I could understand. But as two adults who are both very self sufficient I think he should be able to manage without me for one night a week.

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 06/02/2016 17:29

I couldn't care if dh kipped over at a friend's, and I'm sure he feels the same about me staying over somewhere, especially if it was a bit of a long drive or I'd had a drink.

But... every single week? In pjs? A film? Seems as if you have two spouses. And a work colleague? The thought of sitting in my pjs with any work colleague makes me either shudder or roar with laughter.