Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

AIBU?

To stay at a friends house?

199 replies

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 16:47

This has caused a lot of tension between me and DH but I just don't see the problem with it so please tell me AIBU?

I have a female friend at work whose house I go to one night a week for tea. Because we like to have a glass of wine (and watch a film in our pj's) I stay over and go straight to work the next day.

My DH has no issue with me going for tea, but doesn't like me staying over night and would rather I come home. I see no problem with it, we don't have children so have no commitment at home and I am always in the other 6 nights and have no hobbies.

We have agreed to disagree on it, I am still going every week but he is sulking about it every time.

So AIBU to stay out overnight every week?

OP posts:

Report

Dafspunk · 06/02/2016 18:56

The people who are saying '30 minutes is nothing' etc - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whether 30 mins is something or nothing to you. It is something to the OP and she would prefer not to do it.

3WiseWomen · 06/02/2016 18:56

Tbh, it doesn't matter how people on MN feels about their partner staying overnight at friend one day a week. It doesn't matter if it's common or not. What does matter is how you both feel about it.

In a relationship, it's all about compromise and I would NOT like to be ignored the way the OP is doing. She is basically telling him it's her way or the highway. And no she isn't going to take his pov into account because she deems that idea 'unreasonnable'.
The problem is, neither pov are unreasonnable as such. But blatantly ignoring your partner feelings IS.

The only way to solve that is by talking about it and arriving to a compromise. One that works for you both.
ie saying he can go out as much as he wants isn't an answer if he doesn't want to and prefers to spend the evening at home with you etc...
But agreeing to do that every other week instead is a way forward.

madwomanbackintheattic · 06/02/2016 18:57

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 18:58

He had a mother with end stage renal failure who was massively disabled and he was giving his full-time carer dad a break

Yeah that's a bit different than a catch up and checking they were ok as your post said.

3WiseWomen · 06/02/2016 19:01

I'm amazed at the number of posters that are saying 'stick to your guns' too.

Are you saying that in your relationship, it's all about who is the strongest and will 'win' an argument?
Are you saying that just because you think it's right then that gives you the right to impose it to your partner??

If the OP's partner is a homebody or has a more 'traditional' approach to living together, so be it. If it happens that rthe OP has another idea of what being in a relationhsip means, then that's OK.
But they better find a way to be together despite their different pov because otherwise they are never going to make it in the long run.

Well any relationship where one partner takes the other for granted and ignore their wishes isn';t build to last anyway.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 19:03

gives you the right to impose it to your partner

What is she imposing on him?

Crispbutty · 06/02/2016 19:03

This is one of those threads that if the gender were reversed and it was the DH staying out one night a week, the majority of responses would be very much along the lines of "are you sure he is with a mate, my bet is hes having an affair"..

toastedbeagle · 06/02/2016 19:03

I'd say enjoy it whilst you can, if you have kids I can't imagine you'd be doing girly nights away for a while. I've had 3 nights away from DC in 3.5 yrs....

MadameDePompom · 06/02/2016 19:05

No.

If this thread was reversed it would be a man saying 'My wife doesn't like the fact I spend a night a week at my friend's house watching films and having a beer'

My response would be the same. Assuming it was also a child free relationship.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 19:06

Yeah but if the genders were reversed it would be the DH posting saying he was at his mates so nobody would be saying "are you sure youre at your mates?"

I bet all the bacon in my fridge if it was a man posting that his wife was staying out once a week there would be people saying "i think its an affair" "are you sure she's at a mates?"

gutzgutz · 06/02/2016 19:09

My friends have their parents/ in laws for tea once a week. (As in food ). I think that's slightly weird but that's just me! A dvd night sounds great once a week, gossiping cozily.

I was very glad my dad had lots of separate interests when my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago. Friendships can be hard to maintain, sometimes we forget to make the effort.

HortonWho · 06/02/2016 19:10

If your husband had a normal habit, but one that irrationally annoyed the fuck out of you for no good reason, what would you like him to do?

Tell you how irrational you are being and continue knowing he is annoying the fuck out of you each time?

Or take your irrational feelings into consideration because he loves you and doesn't want to irritate you if he can easily help it, and stop his habit. Because he cares about your feelings. Regardless whether he understnads why you have those feelings.

You can't think of a reason to compromise? Here's one. You love him. This really bothers him. Ask him if he'd be willing to drive to your friend's house to pick you up at night and drive you again in morning to fetch your car. He might just be willing to do that.

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 19:15

Hortonwho- I hardly think you can compare me spending time with my friend to a habit!

If I objected to him spending every other Saturday at his hobby there is no chance he would stop going. I would never even dream of expecting him to.

Yes I love him, but I love my family, and my friends as well. And I also love myself. I protect all of those with the actions I take and the compromise is to keep as many people happy as I can, not just my husband.

Seeing my friend weekly is important to me, and staying over night is just for convienence as I can't be bothered to get into the car late at night when it's cold and dark and drive home when DH will no doubt already be in bed.

OP posts:

Snowberry86 · 06/02/2016 19:16

No he wouldn't come pick me up. It would be a nightmare for him in the morning because of work and is miles out of his way.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 19:21

"If your husband had a normal habit, but one that irrationally annoyed the fuck out of you for no good reason, what would you like him to do?"

If it was me i would tell myself to get a fucking grip and stop being a dick over irrational annoyance about a perfectly harmless hobby.

AliceScarlett · 06/02/2016 19:26

I don't think yabu at all, you don't own each other

Mrswinkler · 06/02/2016 19:26

I am amazed at this thread. OP if you do ever have kids I hope when they are a bit older you go back to your film and pj nights with your mate WITHOUT THE KIDS!!

We all need space in a relationship, maybe she doesn't want to see him/sleep with him every night anyway.

One poster said weird, one day a week you don't get to see him for 36 hours. WTF, how may people on here are joined at the hip?

deregistered · 06/02/2016 19:32

Ok I have lots of friends, so does my dh. We think nothing of staying out the night, weekends away, doing separate things whenever we want. We both like a drink so would stay overnight at friends after a party etc.

But I STILL think this is weird!

It's not weird to have nights in with friends and drink/watch movies but every week and every week staying the night, as a regular arrangement PJs n' all?

I've never heard the like!

AmserGwin · 06/02/2016 19:32

He is BU, you should be able to do this if that's what you want. Are you sure he really trusts you and doesn't think your up to something? That's the only reason why I think he's being stroppy, but doesn't want to admit it.

ArkATerre · 06/02/2016 19:33

It's not the staying over, or the frequency, it's the regularity, somehow iyswim. The I must get in my PJs and have 2 glasses of wine and stay over every week.
Sulking about it is childish, but still it seems odd.

Whatthequack · 06/02/2016 19:34

OP, there is nothing wrong with spending time regularly with your friend. PJ's and a movie sounds fine by me, I've done similar. I don't know why people have such tight arses about it.

RudeElf · 06/02/2016 19:37

Some people dress in a lot weirder and do a lot weirder once a week than pjs and a movie! I really am struggling to see what people are objecting to.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Whatthequack · 06/02/2016 19:39

Exactly! What is wrong with pyjamas? I wear pyjamas in the evening as lounge wear. I take them off to get into bed.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 06/02/2016 19:41

I don't think yabu. Before I married my hubby, I used to do this all the time, go out and stay over at my best friends house and vice versa, he at his friends house. I still do it occasionally but only because we all have kids now. I'd continue the current arrangements for now cos once you have kids, there no chance of doing stuff like this again.

MsMims · 06/02/2016 19:51

I don't think it's weird. I think it's lovely that you have a close friendship and get to enjoy a relaxing evening once a week together.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.