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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the other side of the world on my own?

241 replies

terrweath · 06/02/2016 13:45

After a breakup, I still have tickets for dream destination booked.

I know there are some good reasons why I should maybe go anyway but AIBU to not want to go?

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 07/02/2016 08:16

Great post notonyurjelly

But anyway OP, I think you should stay at home. It will save you money. I really don't think you'd have a good time. It is a shame you came so close to having your dream (life being short and all that jazz) but hopefully you'll achieve it sometime in the future when someone can go with you.

SauvignonPlonker · 07/02/2016 08:19

OP, perhaps you're not in the right state of mind for contemplating enjoying this just now, especially if your break-up is recent.

Hopefully, you might in the future, choose to re-frame how you feel about it.

Dowser · 07/02/2016 08:43

I agree with shaky.

I think he/ she is spot on.

Why throw good money after bad. Cut your losses. The money has gone. It's not coming back. Why spend more money on something you haven't a hope in hell of enjoying.

Maybe at some point in your future you can recreate your dream destination with a special someone.

It might help to tell yourself that if you had set out with good intentions to make the most of it, you would have hated it, everything would have gone wrong. You would have had your passport and valuables stolen. You might have got into some dodgy situations with even dodgier looking strangers. It probably would have rained throughout the whole trip with the worst weather for over a century.
Your plane would have had to make an emergency landing. People might have stared at you while you were eating and thought...just look at that greedy guts go!

Tell yourself a million negative thoughts about this trip and by the time it comes around you can be thrilled with yourself that you've made the best decision and what's a little bit of lost money compared to the fact that you've kept yourself safe and done what's best for you.

I agree with you whole heartedly.

SevenOfNineTrue · 07/02/2016 09:38

Don't go. If you honestly cannot sit and eat in a restaurant on your own, then you will not enjoy a holiday on your own.

Westcountrygemini · 07/02/2016 10:22

i love to travel, love it, and have been abroad in my own many many times.

However ...

I don't think this is about travelling on your own, eating in restaurants, staying in hostels etc.

This is about envisaging a trip of a lifetime to a longed for location with a certain someone. All plans dreamt about and made with that certain someone mentally by your side. Then, break up, grief, realisation the trip would never be the same, place is, if not forever, for now, tainted with memories of what might have been.

Under those circumstances, imv, completely understandable to change plans, not go this time and see if you can get a refund of the airline taxes (which should be refunded).

Lweji · 07/02/2016 10:30

Because of the emotional charge I think I'd do it just as a fuck you to the ex, TBH.
And to show yourself you can be without a partner.

ovenchips · 07/02/2016 10:33

You can teach yourself (easily) though to eat in a restaurant on your own. You may not teach yourself to love it but you can certainly stop it being an obstacle to going anywhere on your own. It's entirely doable.

The restaurant thing is absolutely an excuse for not doing something, it is not a reason.

The reason why most of us don't do things is fear. But that shouldn't automatically stop us from doing them. If we want to y'know enjoy new things, learn, have memorable experiences, become a better version of ourselves. The OP doesn't seem to see the benefits in that though, an attitude, I have to be honest, I've not really come across before.

Original poster
terrweath · 07/02/2016 10:35

I'm not frightened to eat in a restaurant; I just don't want to.

I'm also used to being single which is why this trip is nothing special - always alone!

OP posts:
sukha · 07/02/2016 10:41

How about investigating airbnb (or similar) places where you are going. You can share or get place to yourself. Then you would have have a home (like) base from which to venture, could cook own evening meals and just have an experience of being yourself in another place.

morningtoncrescent62 · 07/02/2016 11:08

OP, I'm glad this thread has helped you clarify your decision not to go. I hope you feel more positive soon - break-ups are horrible, so try to find something else to do to treat yourself while you get over it.

I've enjoyed reading the thread and feeling so many people's excitement of travelling solo. I'm off to plan my next trip!

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2016 11:26

I wouldn't waste anymore money on it and I travel alone, I'm 47.

You're not in the mindset to enjoy it.

As a consolation, I wasted a much wanted trip to Egypt with my Ex, he ruined it and limited what I experienced. Now I can't go back because of the terrorism.

So you might have dragged out the relationship until the trip and spend the money/time of work and it was rubbish, anyway. Unless your ex was paying for the rest of the trip.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2016 11:28

Also, you couldn't pay me to sleep in a Hostel, unless I had my own bathroom.

hilbil21 · 07/02/2016 11:30

Go to docs with stress from break up and claim on your insurance X

velourvoyageur · 07/02/2016 12:44

I do most of my travelling on my own (though granted it's not far, just Europe)! Really don't like the thought of having to coordinate everything with someone else. I did travel with an ex once and it was fine but only because we were so close & I felt totally comfortable saying ok, now I want time alone. With a friend I would feel like I was looking after them, sort of.

It's great, travelling alone...the spontaneity of it. You set your own timetable, eat when you want, see what you want, don't feel like you have to make sure someone else is having a good time, if something doesn't work out e.g. you miss your train, you just have to cope with your own reaction & not feel responsible for cheering the other person up. And a hotel room all to yourself Grin and the freedom, if you meet a handsome stranger Wink

I also think being put in tricky situations e.g. getting totally lost, feeling isolated, getting pickpocketed, missing flights, finding out your traveller's cheques aren't usable, losing luggage or dealing with complicated journeys etc has really given me a lot of confidence. I know that I am totally capable of problem solving because I've done it in the past, so when a problem comes up I don't dwell on feeling shocked but just try to find a solution. I've felt completely hopeless and cried in the street before and nevertheless it all worked out fine. One memorable occasion - having my purse stolen just before I was about to catch the Eurostar, had no cash on me, I called my mum up for commiserations but instead she roundly told me off for being so stupid as to have been pickpocketed Grin (it's an in joke now), then arrived at the station to find that the train had been cancelled & rescheduled for the next morning, still managed to get home to the UK the next day though.

I think my first time on my own I was going to Germany for a week to stay with people I'd never met & do work experience, my German was shit, and then via night train going to France for a month. It was a bit daunting - I was 14 or 15 - but yeah, the confidence that summer alone gave me was brilliant.

sorry about your breakup though, hope you're ok.

velourvoyageur · 07/02/2016 12:46

It is hard to re-learn how to be single though, I do sympathise.

ovenchips · 07/02/2016 12:52

OP you don't have to answer but can I ask 2 things: When did you split with your partner and when are the flights booked for?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 07/02/2016 12:56

I think we could all stab away at this for days to come because the reality is that unless we know where the OP was/is going there's no point in offering ups suggestions re places to stay and day trips to do in order to make this a 'same same but different' trip for her. Who knows, there may even have been some of us along the way to meet Terrweath for a cuppa! Not that Im trying to scare her Grin

And perhaps you have to miss out on a trip like this, and let the ex know they got to you so much you couldn't do the trip for you to realise - Im not letting anyone have that control over me again. Stuff that for a game of soldiers!

There's a young woman currently in the news who's made a fabulous new life out of her heartbreak and whilst no-one's suggesting thats what Terrweath does I'd like to think that she'll do the trip because surely its preferable to do the trip and regret it, than to not have done it and regret not doing it.

I'm also used to being single which is why this trip is nothing special - always alone

Thats does sound pretty sad, and Im sorry you've spent so much time alone, but please consider doing your trip - there's a whole lot of us rooting for you. Honestly!

Original poster
terrweath · 07/02/2016 13:14

Well, I've done an update on the wrong thread Blush Grin, but I was pretty low and mopey yesterday.

Today, not so much.

I have been away before alone, through circumstance mainly and as a solo female traveller you do elicit a certain amount of attention. I fall between the two sides if you like of wanting to be totally alone and happy to do everything alone - including eat - and seeing the trip in itself as a social occasion. In other words, I don't think I'd want to meet anyone out there anti social but I'm not confident enough to just do everything alone and enjoy it.

That said, there's always mcdonalds and hopefully other places akin to Yo Sushi where one can eat without it being patently obvious one is alone. I'm not going for the food, it's just I'm aware part of the pleasure of being away is enjoying restaurants and cafes and I feel a bit like that's denied to me.

I'm looking at hotels on booking.com now and trying to get excited :)

OP posts:
polyhymnia · 07/02/2016 13:16

OP, you say you're used to being single but earlier you said going on the trip on your own would be 'a huge step down '. Don't see how those two statements fit together. Are you used to being on your own but at the same time think it's a somehow inferior state? That sounds sad.
Also still wondering who the ancient philosopher you refer to in that post was.

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 13:18

Glad you're reconsidering. And if you book with www.booking.com you can cancel if you decide you don't want to go.

polyhymnia · 07/02/2016 13:18

Anyway see you're looking at hotels now so that's great - good luck. I guess that you're just not very interested in good food for itself but that's no problem as there are, as you say, bound to be fast food places.

Original poster
terrweath · 07/02/2016 13:19

It would be a step down in the sense that I dreamed of going with the man I loved and wanted to be with for the rest of my life and had visions of us sharing the experience, but I won't get to enjoy any of that.

Cicero - On Friendship:

if a man ascended into heaven and gazed upon the whole working of the universe and the beauty of the stars, the marvellous sight would give him no joy if he had to keep it to himself ... Nature abhors solitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
terrweath · 07/02/2016 13:21

Thanks, sooty, I think I will go if only because of two fingers to the ex!

I don't think restaurants are for me, mind :)

OP posts:
squishee · 07/02/2016 13:40

Just go. You'd be mad not to.

Destinysdaughter · 07/02/2016 13:55

Good for you!

And whilst you are away you can come back on here and tell us about the great adventures you are having!
Or even if you are feeling a bit down...