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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go to the other side of the world on my own?

241 replies

terrweath · 06/02/2016 13:45

After a breakup, I still have tickets for dream destination booked.

I know there are some good reasons why I should maybe go anyway but AIBU to not want to go?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/02/2016 21:46

If you eat alone in a restaurant it doesn't mean you're 'stuffing my face' actually Hmm I can't imagine who would possibly phrase eating a meal like that, let alone think it of a fellow diner, unless of course you have a problem with food, which is something else altogether.

I did post earlier about not necessarily eating main meals in restaurants.

It matters where the holiday location is because people are trying to make helpful comments. I don't think you want helpful comments though actually OP and am not sure why you posted at all as you seem to have made up your mind anyway.

Generally I would say that people are much less interested in you than you think they are (plural you) I get that self conscious feeling but can almost guarantee there's no reason to be. Everyone's too busy doing their own thing.

Having read more, no YANBU in not wanting to go, but it's your call, you don't sound like you're going to be having a good time whether home or away.
Maybe you need to withdraw and recover from the breakup alone in your own space?

terrweath · 06/02/2016 21:46

I'm really not Nicki - but do you know what, if my post explaining why what was meant to be a gorgeous trip with a loved one might not be what I wanted alone is going to be taken as an insult, it's time for me to go.

I love Mumsnet, but I do so often feel like I'm walking on eggshells lately. How anyone can be insulted by anything I've posted is beyond me, it really is.

OP posts:
terrweath · 06/02/2016 21:47

I'll repeat then Enrique, that while I hadn't made my mind up at the start of the thread, I did so subsequently through posting because the things others find pleasurable about going away alone (eating and hostels) aren't for me, and we're all different.

You're right though - posting was stupid.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/02/2016 21:49

Please don't misunderstand me. What I mean is there are so many people sharing positive experiences with you and trying to boost you but you're just reducing it with negative language towards the experiences they describe. Could you be depressed? You sound very hopeless Sad

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 06/02/2016 21:51

I think people are hoping that you might see that you do have inbuilt prejudices; we all do, and facing up to them has been one thing that makes it easier to then make yourself do something you're afraid of doing. You might choose to really examine your own beliefs about solo travellers and what you honestly think of them - if you really truly do not think anything bad of them, or don't even notice them, then you can start applying that to yourself and it might help you overcome the fears, because you know that people won't be thinking that of you. Or, you may realise that actually, yes, you do subconsciously think that people who are on their own are sad or can't find friends or whatever, and this will help you to change your thinking. I have often found that when I tell myself "of course I don't think people who are xxxx are horrible, but it's just that I don't want to be like xxxxx myself, it's me that I'm judging etc" - it turns out that I'm not really being as honest as I might like to think I am, and that actually, I can't say that it's not OK for me to be like that without admitting that I am unwittingly judging someone else. I try to convince myself that it's different, that I can have different standards for me and other people, that if I'm harsh on myself it doesn't mean I'm harsh on them, but in the end, it's not true. To develop real compassion, I've had to learn to extend it to myself and other people equally; to recognise where I judge myself, and where I judge others, even if I don't want to believe I do. It also makes me realise that other people might perceive me as judging them, when I say negative things like how much I hate some aspect of myself, or how self-conscious I feel. And because I care about how they feel, I try to change that, rather than just writing it off as them choosing to take it badly. It was actually a kind of wake-up call to me, to realise that I was revealing some subtle judgement, even when I thought I was actually just showing things I didn't like about myself or being self-deprecating!

And that has helped me start to get over fears of things. It hasn't worked completely, and is definitely still a work in progress. I'm afraid of a lot of things. But perhaps the difference is that it's something I actually want to get over, because I'd like to be able to do things like travel alone. If you really don't want to go - and it sounds like you don't - then you might as well scrap the whole thing now. I think people are responding as if you maybe underneath do actually want to go, if you could get the courage to do it, and by telling you these experiences, they are giving you coping mechanisms to allow you to go through with it.

But if you don't want to go, and are just looking for validation of that decision, then that's fine too. You don't need to. If you think you'll hate it, then don't bother. You'll waste the money on the flights, but at least save the money on the accommodation, food, etc., and you'll be happier not having to do it, if that's really what you feel.

terrweath · 06/02/2016 21:52

I'm not depressed Nicki, but I fail to see what's negative about the word "traipsing", I'm sorry, stuffing my face perhaps but that was meant in a humorous way - laughing at my own silliness, if you like. But seriously, I did not start this thread to insult others, and nor did I start it to be insulted, I think I've got my answer, that going away alone is not something I'd enjoy, so money lost but not to worry, thanks to those who shared.

OP posts:
kinkytoes · 06/02/2016 21:55

I think the point is that your original post seemed to be looking for reasons to go on your own. You've had pages and pages of encouragement and positive stories. What else could we do to make you want to go? We can't magic a partner for you!

It does make me wonder why you asked in the first place.

And the 'not eating alone' thing does come across quite snobby actually. I ate at a posh Italian restaurant in Australia on my 21st birthday with no company except the waiters and my phone. Afterwards I met up with a group of girls from the hostel I was staying in for late night dancing and drinks. It was an incredibly memorable night.

terrweath · 06/02/2016 21:55

I asked because I wasn't sure.

As I posted, I realised it wasn't for me.

Could someone please explain why this is an issue?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/02/2016 21:56

Well, there you go then, MN has helped you make a decision so it's all good.

I can't work out where you get that people actively enjoy eating and hostels as the best part of going away alone. I've interpreted the posts as saying something quite different...that doing those things needn't be a negative.
We are all different as you say, and although I can't see how you work out I was saying that posting was stupid Confused that's what you take from my post and so that's now what you think. It's probably to do with a positive attitude of mind or a negative attitude, neither are right or wrong necessarily, we are what we are.

At least you've cleared your mind.

NickiFury · 06/02/2016 21:59

It isn't an issue. I'm sure people will stop trying to persuade you it could be ok now you've made up your mind.

terrweath · 06/02/2016 22:01

That's not quite what I meant Enrique, rather that the people who were urging me to go had different attitudes and outlooks to me as the things they did enjoy aren't for me.

OP posts:
terrweath · 06/02/2016 22:02

I'm sure it could be ok but for thousands of pounds you want more than ok, don't you? :)

OP posts:
roundtable · 06/02/2016 22:03

Lots of people eat on their own as they are travelling on business.

It's fine to go in your own but I understand why you would feel hesitant.

Eating out where you live is totally different to eating out abroad in my opinion.

NickiFury · 06/02/2016 22:06

Well you will never know if it could be more than ok now will you?

terrweath · 06/02/2016 22:07

I think the eating out thing is symptomatic of a wider issue though. Some people took issue with 'stuffing my face' and this was meant light heartedly as it's something we say at work generally in reference to being rushed off my feet - 'let me just stuff my face and I'll sort that!' So it wasn't an insult.

But you know how you might have some wine with a friend and a chat and it's a social thing but drinking alone is about the alcohol?

Eating out for me would feel a bit like that but with food substituted for alcohol. It would feel indulgent and a bit greedy. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

As such the whole trip becomes less of a shared experience and more of a lonely 'thing.' I think I would just feel really sad and low and unhappy.

I am grateful to those who shared; but I don't think it's for me at this time.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/02/2016 22:11

It really depends on why you travel.

For me it doesn't have to be a shared experience. For me it's about new experiences and contacting different people and cultures. It's about being in different places.
But, if my holiday was to a touristy place where there was little to do except going to the beach, then I wouldn't want to do it alone.

CottonFrock · 06/02/2016 22:14

Well, I'm more boutique hotel than hostel, and I definitely never go all out to make friends when travelling alone - though I'm perfectly happy to eat out by myself - but if there was somewhere I desperately wanted to go, enough to trek half way across the world, I'd want to see it whether or not I was 'sharing' the experience with someone. It does sound, OP, as if you've accepted as some kind of rule that things done alone are less valuable and enjoyable, which is very limiting. It may be that you're grieving the end of your relationship, of course, which is understandable.

ovenchips · 06/02/2016 22:17

I am really struggling to 'get' your posts. You seem so defensive you are wilfully misconstruing posts.

Of course you wanted to go with your then partner. It's sad that you are not going to get to do that longed for experience, as that's what you daydreamed you'd be doing. But unfortunately that's not an option now, nor is going with a friend.

I think people have just been trying to describe how the trip could still be a success on your own. Seeing as that is your only option if you do the trip. Or lose your not inconsiderable ticket money.

And I don't know if you have ever eaten in a restaurant by yourself (not that you would even have to do that on your trip if you didn't want to) but if you did it every night for a week, I bet you you would stop saying that you hated it. You may not love it but you would be thoroughly proficient at doing so. Which would then stop the eating part of holidaying alone being a barrier.

EBearhug · 06/02/2016 22:20

I travelled half the world alone when I was 29-30. If I didn't do things on my own, I'd hardly ever have been anywhere or done anything. I got my ears pierced in Melbourne as a 30th birthday present to myself. (My mother would never let me do it as a child, and then I just didn't get round to it.)

I have sat in restaurants in many places on my own - I usually just have a book with me (or Kindle app on phone). It can be easier to get a table on your own, too - I've been to more than one place where they could squeeze me in, but were turning away couples and groups. Also you get plenty of people travelling for business and so on, who are eating alone. When I'm on holiday, I sometimes just have sandwiches or a salad, but I will usually have at least one really nice meal out. It's a holiday - why the hell shouldn't you indulge yourself sometimes? No one else does, if you're single.

Lots of hostels do single rooms these days, so you don't have to share if you don't want to, but it can still be cheaper than big hotels. I met quite a few single women when I was travelling, and many were around 30 - people have a bit more money then, than when they're straight out of uni.

I saw things I wanted to see, I got loads of reading done. And I won't deny there haven't been a few times in this country and others where I have felt a bit lonely - but I'd rather feel like that and get to see places and do things I wouldn't otherwise be doing, than be feeling like that on my own at home all the time. Most of the time when I've been travelling, there hasn't been so much time to feel lonely - that's more likely to happen at home on my own, again, as usual.

It's your choice, of course - but if it were me, I'd regret not going more than I would going (and not only for the cost of the flights, which can't be refunded.) And it's only two weeks, not forever.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/02/2016 22:21

I hope you feel at peace with it now you've made your mind up. I am an extrovert and love travelling, but I don't know if I'd go in your situation either. Your reasons are very understandable.

terrweath · 06/02/2016 22:23

It is partly grief, Cotton, I think. It isn't that I don't find things done alone enjoyable, but i think it's fair to say I find them more limiting.

Ovenchips, I'm only defensive because I feel that I've had some unnessecarily clipped posts come my way, judging me for having had the temerity to post and then do the opposite thing most people would, and people claiming to be 'insulted'.

OP posts:
terrweath · 06/02/2016 22:23

Thanks, Xmas, it does mean a lot that you've said that :)

OP posts:
DragonRojo · 06/02/2016 22:26

Eating might take about 2 hours of your day in total. Do you think you might enjoy the location of this trip during the remaining 14 hours? If so, why not accept that you will be having picnics in your room and enjoy the rest. Eating out is not essential

DragonRojo · 06/02/2016 22:27

Ah, too late. Sorry. Never mind. I hope you feel more positive soon

defineme · 06/02/2016 22:33

I would never eat ina restaurant alone op...a restaurant meal for me is a treat i want to share with someone. However, a quick meal in a cafe or a more fast food kind of place is fine. I love swimming in the sea so trips to the beach are purposeful for me and i don't require company, but I would go on organized tours for sightseeing and i am far too shy to chat to strangers in a bar. I think i would go with a packed kindle, prebooked tours and the idea that i was going to have some well deserved rest and relaxation.

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