Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 05/02/2016 15:52

I agree with you OP that it will be overcrowded. You should not do anything that will put you tenancy at risk. You also don't know where your DD's will end up working and living after they finish uni.

I think the question of where DP's DS should live ought to be between DP, his EX and their DS. If EX is moving away, she should put in some effort into helping her son to find somewhere to live.

Headofthehive55 · 05/02/2016 16:00

the son already has a room, at his mums. So they are moving away? Lots if children cope with that. If we moved, which isn't out of the realms of possibility, my DD at uni will have to come to stay in whichever location we move to.
It happened to a friend of my DD already.

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:29

Very good point headofthehives

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 16:32

Imagine the OP

My DS is struggling to get work, he's been a bit low and deflated since leaving college.

I've been offered an amazing job 200 miles away form where I've lived my whole life. It will secure my life completely. DS doesn't want to come and his dsm and df have said they will not take him.

He doesn't want to come and restart his life as he's only just getting back on his feet, his friends have been amazing throughout this.

Should I insist his father takes him?

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:33

And another thing - if the young man's parents were still together, and relocating, no one would think it odd if he either (a) went with them; or (b) made his own arrangements if he didn't want to move.

It's not like he has to stay put due to his job!!!

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:37

Posie - the young man's mum cannot insist his father takes him, when the tenancy is not his (even if they had 100 bedrooms).

apricotdanish · 05/02/2016 16:37

Posie, what exactly are you proposing she does with her daughters when they are home (for almost half the year as has been stated numerous times before)?

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:38

And if the mother really doesn't want to inconvenience her son, then maybe she shouldn't be moving?

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:39

And as it's the mother who has changed the goal posts here, why should it be the OP, and ultimately her daughters, who take the hit?

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 05/02/2016 16:42

posie I would ask under what circumstances why he couldnt go and live with his df and their partner, is just because they are selfish and dont want him, or that there really isnt room. and will do everything they can to help the ds.

OP posts:
PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 16:43

I see his parents as equally as responsible, clearly you don't.

apricotdanish · 05/02/2016 16:43

I think the mother has every right to move if she so desires- this is probably too big an opportunity to turn down. The son is not tied to the area by work or study, so he could move with the mum and go back down to London to visit friends and fairly regularly (the dad could pay for this rather than extra rent).

apricotdanish · 05/02/2016 16:46

Staying with OP and her partner, his dad.

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 05/02/2016 16:47

If all the DC were younger and my partners ds had to come and live with us then I would have to consider moving maybe giving up the 2 bed, But at the moment all 3 dc are adults and will be making there own lives in the future I can not give up my home for something that might change in the next two to three years.

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 05/02/2016 16:48

PosieReturningParker what do you suggest OP does with her daughters when they return home and need a roof over their head?

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 16:51

OP - you should definitely not give up your home. Not unless that £33m lottery ticket was yours. A secure HA tenancy in London is probably as rare as a winning lottery ticket, come to think of it ....

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 05/02/2016 16:53

Posie, My DP Does feel equally responsible for his son and so he should and has maintained that through his childhood.

maybe I am screwed on this as dds dad never felt equally responsible as I did in fact he had no responsibility it was all down to me.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 05/02/2016 16:55

Nope, if he really doesn't want to move, he's going to need a job and a bedsit.

I moved out very young, and did it all for myself, I take it you'd all be happy to put up a deposit or something?

I don't think he should move in, your daughters live there.

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 17:01

I'm not suggesting the OP should kick out her DDs!!

But that the boy's parents should step up.

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 17:09

Posie, you say you're not suggesting the OP kicks out her daughters, but surely this would happen by default if her DP's son moves in?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 05/02/2016 17:12

I don't think you should have let your DP move into your place without thinking about what might happen with his ds. I can see why you don't want him there, and I wouldn't either. But just as you want the dd's room for them, although they are adult, away at university, working; so is your dp someone's parent and that was always a possibility at some point.

If I were you I would suggest that dp and his ds get their own place.

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 17:19

I suggested that before I knew the flat was two bed and HA in London.

lighteningirl · 05/02/2016 17:26

You can't house him without making your dd's homeless it's not acceptable. Your dp need s to step up rent a flat and let his parenting skills run full reign. I am sorry but this is not a simple situation your home is not big enough and he deserves a home so either his mother or father should provide one. You would be mad to give up a ha you love. Also it's one thing having him spend time at yours and trying not to interfere but having him live there whilst drifting will drive you and your dds insane probably break you and do up anyway.

Orangeanddemons · 05/02/2016 17:35

^ This. I'm a step parent. If you get together with someone who has children, then you have to consider at some point that either set of children may want to move in. Whatever age.

Your do should have considered that his ds may want to move on at some point. It was naive not to consider this. He IS a parent.

All our dsc are welcome to come here whenever they want. I would expect your ds to be doing something to earn his keep. But 19 years olds get paid very little, so he would struggle to find somewhere to live. I happen to think 19 is still quite young.

Your dp needs to either find somewhere,or you all need to muddle through and offer this poor young man a home.

Headofthehive55 · 05/02/2016 17:36

The problem when you split is that you only have the same money which won't buy two lots of housing. If you live in a four bed, split you can't expect both mum and dad to provide two four beds to live in. That unrealistic. One parent gets the larger house thus providing a home for the children and one end up with smaller place.

If the ops partner has paid towards accommodation for his son to the mother, thus resulting in her having more equity or whatever it's only right fir her to continue to house the son.