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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
Thehumaneggtimer · 05/02/2016 22:06

Do feel like there's some infantilising of young adults here, but I'm heartless like that!

LeaLeander · 05/02/2016 22:39

Totally agree brass brass. Parents should do everything possible not the taxpayers.

janethegirl2 · 05/02/2016 22:55

The young adult male has several choices I can see.

  1. Move to wherever his mum is going to
  2. Get dad to rent accommodation for dad and himself, or just for him
  3. Get a job in a chosen location and house share, paying the bills himself.
  4. But not moving into ddads house share with op who has to also house her 2 dd's for a large part of the year in a 2 bed accommodation.
DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:02

Why can't he move with his mum but make extended visits in term time when OP has more space?

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:05

But agree - he cannot simultaneously be child enough to need looking after but adult enough to get to choose not to move with the RP.

DP hasn't reduced the options on housing by moving in with OP as DSS was on a sofa bed in a one bedroom flat for brief visits. Presumably that's how it's also been at OP's until the younger DD went to uni recently. Yet OP is being berated, for some reason.

Odd.

TheTigerIsOut · 06/02/2016 00:08

"he cannot simultaneously be child enough to need looking after but adult enough to get to choose not to move with the RP. "

That with bells on.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 06/02/2016 00:16

People seem to be casting aspersions on my post - just to explain

  • I don't think couples have to live together in a quasi-marriage. You can be with DP and not marry him, or sort of marry him
  • Actually I think that would have been better for you as you, independently, had a good flat and a home for your dds but he seems to just sort of hang on to the arrangement. if I were you I would always have kept my own flat mine, and I will bet BIG MONEY that the moment your DP gave his place up was driven by him, not you. I BET you didn't ask him to move in; I BET he said "as I'm always at yours anyway...." or worse still "as I've got problems with the rent at my place...." - come on OP, am I right?
  • I would always have space for my dds, if I had a bed, but they might have to share it with me, or a tiny room, or whatever I had - which doesn't apply to some hypothetical partners' kid. That's different. Your kids - you share all you have, even your bath water. Some one else's adult kids - no, sorry, I can't manage that.
HowBadIsThisPlease · 06/02/2016 00:18

Actually this is just another classic case of crap dad-ness. Another case where the dad didn't make enough provision for his child so some not-even-related woman is expected to make up the slack.

Sure, he wants to live with his dad. Fine. His dad better get a suitable place then. Step up.

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:25

". Another case where the dad didn't make enough provision for his child so some not-even-related woman is expected to make up the slack."

How do you figure that? Doesn't sound like there's much money to spare for DP to have his own 2 bed place on the off chance that DS (who presumably has been in school near his mum's place until now) might move in one day?

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/02/2016 00:26

I think there has been some infantalising of this young man. By his parents!

I think they owe it to him to help him make the transition from boy to man.And that this is the perfect opportunity.

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:34

With all the judginess flying around, I'm surprised people aren't criticising the mother for choosing now to move away rather than waiting a year or two.

(BTW, I'm not judging that, I think it's fair enough for her to move and him to go too, but it's that move that's triggered this situation. Hardly anyone has mentioned it though. Again, odd.)

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:39

Sorry to keep posting... But until now, DSS has slept on the sofa bed or in the DDs' room but hasn't had his permanent base there. DDs may have no other permanent base at present. Where will clothes, books, keepsakes etc be put for three 18-21 year olds sharing a room in some kind of time share?!!

HowBadIsThisPlease · 06/02/2016 00:51

dr suess, what do you mean not enough money to spare?
the op has got a secure flat for herself and her dds.

The op's dp has bunked in for a bit and has no rights, and now regrets it. Boo hoo for him. there was a moment when he must have thought "oh I could maybe live cheaply with livedtotell" and then a decent man would have had another moment where he would have thought "sure, but if I do, I will have no permanent base of my own, which is a bit of a problem as a supposedly independent adult heading toward old age; also, what if my son needs somewhere to go?"

he didn't think these things, did he? He just pulled up a chair and put the kettle on.

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 00:59

Bollocks did he just pull up a chair.

They have been together 5 years and living together for 2. Before that, the DP had a one bed flat with his work. It doesn't sound like he could ever afford a large enough place for his son to live permanently but he has made his financial contributions.

Until now, the DS has had a secure place to live with his mum. Should the DP have refused to move in with OP on the off chance that 2 years later when DS was nearly 19, his mum would move?

TendonQueen · 06/02/2016 01:11

Maybe this couldn't have been anticipated, but now it's happened, fact is it's up to his dad to make the necessary sacrifices to provide accommodation for him, if those are needed. Not his dad's partner and her two daughters. Agree with HowBad on that - even if he's contributed in the past, it's still his problem to sort out now, not OP's to resolve by her kids losing all their space.

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 01:16

"It's up to his dad to make the necessary sacrifices to provide accommodation for him, if those are needed. "

Why isn't it up to DS to move with his mum?

What sacrifices are being discussed here? If DS continues not to work, DP will have to fund a 2 bed place from his own salary - what if he cannot?

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 01:18

What if his dad can only afford a large enough place by also moving away from
London?

TendonQueen · 06/02/2016 01:25

Of course moving with his mum should be an option. It sounds from what's been posted as though the son and his dad have dismissed that already. My point was that out of the OP and her partner, he's the one who should be making any sacrifices to accommodate his son, not her and not her daughters. And yes, if he doesn't want his son to have to live independently, then he will have to fund a two bed flat himself

TendonQueen · 06/02/2016 01:28

..or whatever he can afford - one bed, out of London, whatever. But the OP shouldn't have to do it at the cost of her daughters losing their permanent home. He sounds like he thinks fixing these problems is always down to some woman shoving up and making space, rather than him or his son being inconvenienced in any way.

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 01:31

Tendon, absolutely agree that OP's DDs shouldn't be "budging up"!

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2016 01:48

DS should just remain with his mum where he has a home, it would be less hassle all round. There is no room for him at in a 2 bed flat with 4 adults already in it That really is the bottom line. But as it stands he's not homeless anyway. Yet he wants to leave home with no income, who even does that?!

DP had a 1 bed flat before. That wouldn't be deemed adequate for him and his adult son - and yet 5 adults in the 2 bed home he shares with OP was suggested to OP? That doesn't balance out at all.

No income? Stay with mum. Get a job then think about leaving home after some time when you've managed to save a bit, which of course is easier when living at home. Its what many people have to do, and it will do him no harm.

DP is working, and paying 1/2 the rent on a HA property, OP pays her share. & he pays 1/2 of other bills. He is living cheaply as HA rent in no way or form compares to private renting and he is not solely responsible for bills either. Quite a nice set upl It could well be he can stay where he is and help son with a deposit and some advance rent.

I dont think the suggestion made to the OP was fair at all, a temporary stay, or weekends etc however its been working so far is fine, but not moving in permanently

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/02/2016 03:39

I think you're going to end up putting up with DSS, as you'll be guilted into it. And I think you'll end up massively resenting both him and your partner.

I feel for you, and hope you're able to work out a solution that works for you (and not just them).

JessicaRuby · 06/02/2016 05:15

At what age does it become this mans own responsibility to house himself? 20? 25? Never? If he shows up at OP's door in 30 years time is she obliged to house him because he's her partner's child? Because this is a MAN we're talking about here. Some posters are acting like both his parents are happily turfing a 7 year old out on the street.

lighteningirl · 06/02/2016 08:32

Dedicating No he's not yet a man he's on the threshold and loving parents would still help him

DrSeussRevived · 06/02/2016 08:34

He has a room with a loving parent, I assume, if he moves with his mum.

He can come and stay with his other loving parent for much of the year when a space is free.

Love doesn't magic up a spare room for free in London though!

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