Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2016 17:52

Surely if OP had a 3-bed, her daughters would have had a bedroom each (given as it's their home and all) all these years? So there still wouldn't be a 'spare room', just two daughters being asked to share a room to make way for mum's boyfriend's son? Way to go, making the daughter's feel they're the ones making the sacrifices to suit mum's boyfriend and mum's boyfriend's ex-wife.

But it's irrelevant anyway, as OP does not have a 3-bed.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/02/2016 18:03

I meant if managed to do a ha swap

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2016 18:20

OK, sorry missed that bit Blondes. But then, you're suggesting that OP and her daughters have to uproot themselves from their home of some years to accommodate this 'suggestion' that this young man moves in. And that's assuming that an exchange would happen anyway - marriednotdead (Sat 06-Feb-16 14:45:06) tried to do just that and was still waiting 11 years later.

No. OP stated early in the thread that "before Dp moved in I spent a fair amount money on the flat also after a long time moving about in rentals this felt like mine and dds first proper home after a lot of upheaval". I don't think it's fair to ask them to sacrifice that sense of home, when this young man could move with his mother or, if he's desperate not to move, he and his father could find a solution between them that does not call for everyone else to sacrifice their home.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/02/2016 19:55

True

Just trying to find a compromise

MeetMyCat · 07/02/2016 09:31

The OP doesn't have room, so the young man moves with his mother. End of. If his parents were still together, and chose to relocate, I doubt anyone would object to his having to leave friends, local area etc - as that's just the way life goes sometimes.

AtSea1979 · 07/02/2016 09:39

OP you said DP could move out until DS doesn't want to live with a parent what about until your DDs don't want to live with a parent?
When you live with someone it should be 50/50 if this was other way round and you moved in with DP and he refused to let your DD stay it would be controlling.
I think you are better just breaking up as you're clearly not ready to commit to this man and its not fair on him as he has clearly commited to you.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2016 11:08

'I think you are better just breaking up as you're clearly not ready to commit to this man and its not fair on him as he has clearly commited to you.'

LOL. Where do you get that from? The guy wants to turf out her DDs so his layabout son can have the room they've been in for donks rather than step up and be a father and sort this out for his son without using something that doesn't belong to him.

This guy is saving heaps not having to pay rent on a private 1-bed flat in London and instead paying halfsies, if that, on an HA flat.

Her DDs were there before this man. Some of us don't put partners before children and make it all '50-50' when it cannot be as there are children involved.

DrSeussRevived · 07/02/2016 11:16

OP is not refusing to let him stay, she is saying no to him living there, in a 2 bedroom flat in which 4 people already live!

If she had spare rooms coming out of her ears, that'd be one thing, but she doesn't.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2016 11:48

T H E R E . I S . N O . F U C K I N G . S P A C E .

firesidechat · 07/02/2016 11:51

I tried that a good few posts ago WhereYouLeftIt and I never shout. It didn't work that time either.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/02/2016 12:22

Well I can't claim never for me, firesidechat . But I'm really struggling to understand why so many don't rtft. Even if you just read the OP's posts, it's crystal clear that there is simply no space for another person (and all their worldly goods). Another solution must be found.

firesidechat · 07/02/2016 12:25

I'm feeling the same frustration, but trying not to rise to it today. Either it's getting worse on here or the menopause is finally kicking in. The jury is out on that.

FrankNstein · 07/02/2016 13:22

The man should put his child above his partner and move out and into somewhere for him and his son.

ElinorRochdale · 07/02/2016 13:51

The man should put his child above his partner and move out and into somewhere for him and his son.

But this is not a child. It's an adult who should be taking responsibility for himself. The situation has only arisen because he's failing to do so. If he was a student, he'd be in student accommodation, or he'd be helped to find somewhere to live when his mother moves. If he had a job he could rent a room, with a bit of help from parents. Maybe he could even find a live in job. He seems to be sitting back and expecting everyone else to sort out his life for him while he does nothing, and a lot of people on this thread seem to think that's OK.

And that's without considering whether the father could actually afford to rent a two bed flat in London on one income. Or even a one bed.

Original poster

livedtotellthetale · 08/02/2016 09:34

Thanks for all the reply's, Me and Dp had a long talk over the weekend he can see now that he was being unreasonable to expect His ds to move into the dds room, he was thinking that seeing as it empty while the dds away he thought it could be a solution without thinking it through fully.

Although Ha flat the rent is about £800.00 a month and dp does contribute faily to that and the bills. when we decided that DP was to move in we talked to all the dc about it and they were all ok about it.

We have a few months before DS mum moves so hopefully we can come up with a solution he will never ever be left out on the street with no where to go. He is also looking into returning to study I think Dp and ex know he needs a bit of pushing.

OP posts:

ViviPru · 08/02/2016 11:27

Thanks for updating op

redskirt3 · 08/02/2016 20:24

Don't be guilted into accepting DSS as a longer staying guest or family member - the only reason that your DP was even in a position to consider offering him a home was that you have essentially provided a home for your DP. May sound harsh but I speak from some experience. Also if it came to the point where your DP had to move out to provide a home for his son that HE (DP) would come up with some other solutions really really quickly ie there is no way that DP would offer his son a home without you to help.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13