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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:

maz210 · 04/02/2016 14:57

I'm another one that thinks 5 adults in a two bedroom flat is bound to lead to everyone feeling cramped and stressed.

If you can't or don't want to move to a bigger property then your partner will have to get his own place with his son for now. I think your partner isn't really appreciating the impact that his son moving in would have on you/your daughter's lives.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 04/02/2016 14:58

I feel sorry for the DSS, and your DP.
You are not really a couple if you see him as a person to share the rent but effectively just a cocklodger in a place that is your and your (away at Uni) DDs.
If you are a family, find a place with room for them all - ie a 3 bed.

CauliflowerBalti · 04/02/2016 15:00

Tell him he can stay on the sofabed until a more long-term housing solution can be reached for him? I think the posters that say you should provide a home for your partner's son in the same way that you provide a home for your own children are right - but I don't think this should come at the detriment of your girls. It needs to be fair to everyone.

Him sleeping on the sofabed isn't fair on you, I do get that. But that's the joy of fucking parenthood. Your feelings come last. (When does this end? I think 18 is getting there, tbh.)

GreenishMe · 04/02/2016 15:09

Your DD's might be away at uni for much of the year but what happens when they've finished their degrees?

If they wanted to return home at first, would you want them to be able to...because effectively once your DP's son moves in one of your DD's will have no choice but to leave home for good?

Sorry, but my kids come before anybody and if it was me I'd want them to have the option of returning home if they needed to.

Original poster

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 15:12

You are all right about 5 Adults in the flat when the DDs come back for the holidays, It would be a nightmare it was hardwork with 4,

OP posts:

OneMagnumisneverenough · 04/02/2016 15:16

You've said his DS will not want to move, but actually there is no reason (job/studying) that he couldn't so therefore as an adult he has a choice to make. He can go with his mum who presumably is continuing to offer him a home, he can find somewhere to rent (which would involve getting a job) or he can ask his dad if he can live with him.

Dad technically isn't a position to offer anything other than temporary accommodation as there is no "spare" room in your house. If Dad wants to offer him more than a temporary solution then you need to consider whether you would both like to give up your current flat and rent a larger one in order to accommodate someone who is making no attempt to lead an independent life or could at any point move out/go back to his mum. If he was younger I think it would be a very different scenario and I think the only fait thing would be to get a bigger flat but for an adult it's a different thing. Having said that I am a soft touch in some ways and would like to think I would offer my children a home for as long as they need one. You DP has obviously had his ex take responsibility for many years so in a way it is his turn,

It's not easy but do you actually know yet what the DS wants to do?

WickedWax · 04/02/2016 15:19

This set up wouldn't work for me - a bone idle 18 yo lounging around the house all day, no direction, doing feck all and being funded by the bank of dad - not a chance.

And once he's moved himself into your DD's room there's no way he'd be vacating it come the holidays or weekends when they're home.

It won't work, you and your DP are obviously on different pages when it comes to patenting/expectations of your children, I'd suggest that your partner needs to get his own place for him and his son.

wotoodoo · 04/02/2016 15:19

No way should he move in! Tell your dp that his ds needs his own address for work purposes or to claim benefits.

He's at the age where he should be thinking about flying the nest! Not settling in it.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 15:20

I totally understand how annoying the inconveniences would be and I wouldn't want them either. That said, if your partner's son is not welcome to move in with his father, then you don't really have a combined household, just the illusion of one.

The kid is barely an adult, legally, and probably not nearly an adult emotionally, mentally or intellectually yet. He needs guidance. Your partner should move out and get a place for him and his son, so that you can keep your flat available for yourself and your daughters. It's just not a good time for you to combine households and I wouldn't think too highly of a man who didn't consider his young, displaced son to be an integral part of his household.

I cannot IMAGINE my dad selecting a living arrangement that excluded me, when I was still a teen. I just cannot even wrap my head around that notion.

mouldycheesefan · 04/02/2016 15:22

No. He needs to either move with his mother or find an alternative.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:25

I think if you choose to bland a family, yours and his, then that's what is it. No child gets preferential treatment. This works for both of your advantage.
Noone is allowed to loaf, so studying and returning home is one option. The other is a job and pay rent.

This must be applied to all children. You can't be in a situation where an adult child is enabled to do nothing of value, it would shit for your DDs if he was allowed to just sit around all day and rubbish for him if he works/studies and doesn't get to live with his dad.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:26

blend!

FrankNstein · 04/02/2016 15:27

Your DP should move out and get a place with his son.

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 15:27

This boy's own mother clearly thinks he's old enough to find his own way, otherwise she would have checked that you have room and are willing to house him before she made her decision to relocate.

Presumably she has had a conversation with your partner and he's confirmed to her that he can house him? Must have...

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:27

Also your DP? Does he own anything? Does he pay toward anything? could he pay more? Could you both move somewhere bigger?

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 15:27

Yes, I agree he shouldn't be allowed to loaf. He must do something constructive. But his father can't just tell him "you're on your own" at this early stage.

People who choose to have kids and then can't wait to oust them at the earlier possible age just baffle me.

MistressDeeCee · 04/02/2016 15:29

DS is not working or studying. On the other hand your DDs are away doing both. & they may want to come home for a bit after Uni which is perfectly reasonable. No, I wouldn't want an lazy adult to move into my home so you are definitely NBU and your DDs would probably be pretty vocal/scornful about it too, as adults who are aiming to achieve in this world who will come home to see a grown man idling all day. Its no example is it? Don't feel forced into it, its not solely about him being your DPs son the issue is the lack of standards of a man who thinks its ok to be lazy, and you being expected to join the ranks of his enablers ie parents who feel that sort of thing is ok.

Fancy your DP offering to pay more! Not that its all about money but still he would offer that, to cover the expenses of a grown man who is able to go out to work and contribute himself, but won't because daddy will help?

No way would I have him there, his parents have done him no favours. If your DP can't see that this arrangement is untenable then he needs to get his own place with his DS although that likely wouldn't do your relationship much good. But better that, than a freeloader upsetting the balance of your home.

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 04/02/2016 15:29

It's your DDS home too they need to be considered yanbu your DDS are now independent and you don't want to go back to that which is fair enough I think you would be daft to give up your flat for a 3 bed which you would need to rent privately it sounds tough for the lad too

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 15:31

I'd probably tell him he could stay for a year until he got himself sorted.

Original poster

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 15:32

Before he moved in with me Dp had a one bedroom flat that came with the Job he worked at, he couldn't afford much more after paying maintenance. so his DS had a sofa bed there. Also Dp would stay with his Ds at exs while she was away working or away with partner it did seem to work out well.

I suggested that Ds look for a place flat share nearby to us, we would help with deposit.

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 04/02/2016 15:34

I think the issue is that he doesn't have a plan so you are opening yourself up to supporting a manchild. If that is the case my focus would be on saying, yes he can move in but only if he has a job with plans on getting qualified. He also needs to pitch in and help out with rent, bills and household work as appropriate (I wouldn't charge him rent if he has a job, helps out and is getting on with getting trained but would charge rent if he doesn't do all three). If he can't do these three things he isn't welcome to stay and will need to either move in with his mother or find his own place.

Moving into your home means he needs to follow the rules of your household. While you are not his mother, when you combine families you need similar rules for all the children for it to work IMO.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:35

If any of my kids still want to live with me at 19 when renting and housing was so damned expensive I'd have no issue whatsoever, as their mother I would not charge rent either (if I'm still in the same financial position as now) In fact DH and I thought about this the we moved house, fitting six adults.

But living here, well they must be doing something with their lives.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:36

Lived Men pay piss all maintenance as a proportion of their income.

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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