Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 17:37

Agree orange

brassbrass · 05/02/2016 17:39

whatever you do, do not make your DDs homeless!

what does your DP suggest they do when they return from uni? where will they sleep if his DS has their room? more importantly what message will you be giving them?

the solution is a bigger property that fits all of you or a separate place for your DP and DS however difficult either of those are to organise.

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 17:39

I really hope the DP doesn't have any other adults/children who may need a home? Otherwise where does this end?

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 17:48

Who on earth has an extra room just in case a grown child might need to move in? Not everyone can afford that and it is very much a luxury for some. Until recently he was adequately housed with his mum, who has decided to move away.

If the op's house is housing association then she wouldn't be able to have a 3 bedroom house anyway, so it's irrelevant.

I do wish people would look at the cold hard facts instead of quilt tripping the op.

We moved house when our children were in their late teens to a place 2 hours from our then area. We discussed it between us and if our children hadn't been keen to move with us, we wouldn't have moved, as simple as that.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2016 17:51

OP, there are a number of options open to your DP's son:

  1. He moves in with you and your DP.
  2. He moves in with his mum and her DP.
  3. You and your DP move to larger accomodation.
  4. Your DP and his son set up home together and you stay where you are.
  5. Your DP and his ExW help their son find his own accomodation and help out with a deposit and HB application.

Unless the son has special needs, I think that option 5 is the best one. You have no room and he doesn't want to relocate.

He is an adult so maybe it's time for him to live as one with his parents' support.

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 17:52

Sorry that was to the poster who suggested that the op should have anticipated having to house the ss at some point.

Mn is making me irritable today, so I'm off.

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 17:53

Last one, promise.

He won't get HB will he?

Headofthehive55 · 05/02/2016 17:55

orange lovely to say your children are always welcome...what if your circumstances change and you yourself found yourself in reduced circumstances. Lovely ideal, not always possible.

Or if you meet a partner with several children? And perhaps he was already paying a large mortgage to keep his children in a house? You wouldn't expect him to pay twice!

Perfectly possible for a 19 year old to support themself. A shared house? No different to what students are expected to live in!

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 18:00

I have four siblings - if we all wanted to move back home, my parents simply couldn't accommodate us.

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 18:02

Unless something catastrophic happens I would always ensure I had room for my children.

MeetMyCat · 05/02/2016 18:03

Poise - I'm glad you're wealthy enough to make those sort of statements.

Orangeanddemons · 05/02/2016 18:13

I would still find room for a 19 year old. Maybe not a 23/4 year old, but 19 is still quite young. I cannot imagine ever saying to my ds when he was 19 that he couldn't live with me. Not in any circumstances.

choli · 05/02/2016 18:25

OP, your first responsibility is the security of yourself and your own family. It would be crazy to give up your Housing Association flat. You may not always be with this partner, but you will always need an affordable place to live. Don't jeopardize your own security, you will almost certainly regret it in the future.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2016 18:27

"I'm not suggesting the OP should kick out her DDs!! But that the boy's parents should step up."

OP is neither of the boy's young man's parents. So she has no need to step up. And the father needs to step up a bit more than just ask his new partner to overcrowd her home.

To go back to the start of the thread:
"Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, "
'its been suggested'. I wonder, who made the suggestion? Someone who thinks OP's daughters have no right to still have a room in the house, since 'he can have their room' - er, no, it's still their room, being away from home temporarily to attend university does not change that. They're coming back. So the suggestion was made by someone who prioritises the son over the daughters - that leaves son, son's mother, son's father. Was it really a serious suggestion? I struggle to believe it could be, because obviously the girls are coming back. So at that point, son is on the couch.

Now, no matter how good a sofabed is, I wouldn't want to spend more than a couple of days on one. And when I have been on a sofabed, all my stuff has been in a holdall. If he moves in, it is his home, and all his stuff is going to come to a lot more than a holdall's worth. Where's it all going to go? Because the girls' room is full of their stuff.

Th suggestion that he moves in just won't fly.

The parents need to step up. Either son moves with mother (and his not wanting to move - well he'll need to create an alternative plan instead); or father creates a home for both of them; or both parents combine to find son independent home. But, none of that is OP's responsibility.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2016 18:35

AFAIK Fireside, if he is claiming benefits he may be eligible (depending on how much he is getting). JSA recipients are eligible.

Headofthehive55 · 05/02/2016 18:56

It's not always catastrophic posie your position is sometimes eroded over time. My sil would have said the same. Lovely detached four bed...but within a couple of years had had to move out, live in short term rental with son - and then both had to find rooms in other people's houses.

JessicaRuby · 05/02/2016 18:58

Oh FFS, some of the posters on this thread are unreal. DP and I bought our first home last year - as soon as I moved out my DB moved into my room.

Does that mean any time somethings not going right for me I can whine that it's all my parents fault for not making sure poor ickle me has a room to go back to if I ever need it Hmm

He's EIGHTEEN not a child. Time for him to take some responsibility for himself. I can't believe someone actually suggested he has PTSD from his parents break up rather than believe that he's a bit lazy!

Last I checked it's not unheard of for some teens and young adults to be lazy and entitled, it's not as if the OP's come on and said under no circumstances is that little cunt moving into my house! Hmm

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 19:04

Eighteen year olds are not even entitled to the minimum wage or any benefits.

Does the DP pay rent and what percentage?

nauticant · 05/02/2016 19:09

The best thing about this thread is all of the creative writing opportunities it has afforded.

If you're on a thread and struggle to disagree with the OP vehemently, don't worry, just re-write the OP's story as you fancy and then lay on the guilt heavily with a trowel.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2016 19:13

its been suggested that he moves in with us

I was also wondering about that. It has to be the DP or SS mum who suggested that, with their eyes on DDs' bedroom as the option. On the basis of "eyes on that room, he can move right in?" Or why would suggestion even be made given that its a 2 bed property not 3/4, hence, there's no room anyway?

Its almost as if the OP is to be the all-round convenient problem solver here yet she and DDs don't much matter at all in terms of having any input.

Hope this is not akin to that old adage of the problem in some parents raising boys as "mini-kings"..

He'd be better off living with his mum, and just visiting. At least he'd have a weekend stopover at times, doesn't sound as if his mum is throwing him out.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2016 19:22

Bet whatever he pays is a drop in the bucket to what he was paying for a 1-bed flat in London.

The flat is too small for him to move in. The OP cannot magic up another room. The flat is still the DD's home.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 19:23

Difficult one. If he was hard working, studying or seriously looking for a job, I would be more open to the idea, but if he is just drifting I think that would get in my nerves big time. But I think it goes down to the fact that you have only space during term time, so you can't offer your DDS' bedroom as a permanent solution.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2016 19:43

Posie, you are wrong. JSA is available if you are 18 or over, under pension age and available for work. HB is paid to those on benefits or low incomes. If you are under 35 HB is only available at a Bedsit or Room in Shared Accomodation rate.

brassbrass · 05/02/2016 20:50

There are enough capable adults and an 18 year old capable of earning something! however paltry to come to a sensible solution without adding another burden to the benefits system. That should be a last resort surely?

Are people really suggesting the state should help solve this?

He needs parents to parent. At 18 he isn't a fully fledged adult who can stand on his own feet. He needs his family to support him in getting to that point by getting a job and learning to live independently not tell him to ask for benefits.

Thehumaneggtimer · 05/02/2016 22:02

My mum downsized to a 1 bed when I went to uni, so I worked multiple minimum wage jobs to pay rent over holidays. It would have been lovely to go home but in no way did I think it was my parents job to support me. Even less the case if I wasn't working or studying. At least the lad has the option of his mothers so he won't be homeless. I think it's fair enough to keep that room for your DD's.

Swipe left for the next trending thread