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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
whois · 04/02/2016 21:04

That would be fine if she paid all of the costs of the flat but she doesn't. It's not at all reasonable to let someone move in with you and share the costs of your home with you but claim it's "yours" when it suits you.

It's just rent and bills he's been contributing to. Nothing capital in nature like a mortgage.

So actually, her tenancy her flat and actually she does get to say.

notinagreatplace · 04/02/2016 21:06

Whols - she's not contributing to a mortage either though.

Of course, legally, that's the right answer - but, morally, it stinks to be willing to take someone's money but not give them any say.

GreenishMe · 04/02/2016 21:06

I've got 6 sons peggy (and 1 DD) but no need to feel sorry for me Smile

I would never make my younger sons homeless in favour of a man and/or his kids and I wouldn't expect anyone else to favour my kids over their own.

If there's no room without displacing the OP's DD's, who haven't actually left home yet, then there's no room.

Muskateersmummy · 04/02/2016 21:07

notinagreatplace that sounds like a good solution to me too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2016 21:15

Gonig to university does NOT equal "moving out of the home". They will be back for holidays, which would be probably 16 weeks out of the year, given 12 week standard terms. When they finish their degrees, there is no guarantee they will get immediate employment and where are they supposed to go then if their bedroom has been given over to this lad? They won't get housing benefit until they're 25, the Govt expects them to stay at home and be provided for (same as the DP's son) - so WHERE are they supposed to go if their own home has no longer got space for them?

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 21:23

He's nearly 19, by the way, not just turned 18. And in everyone's eyes except those who are infantilising him, he's an adult. He just happens to be one who is still dependent because he's been allowed to be.

I think we do young adults a great disservice when we treat them as though they are useless and incapable of behaving like adults and taking some responsibility for their own plight. This person has a choice to make and as such, this is the start of his journey into real adulthood.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2016 21:24

if ds got a job would you be happy with him on your sofa? if he got a job he would be able to rent a room/bedsit in a house share

you dont want him in the girls bedroom (fair enough) but you knew when you had dp that he had a ds

so either

ds sleeps on sofa
ds sleeps in girls bedroom but when home he gets the sofa, no quibbles
ds moves to bedsit/share in house - paid by dp and a job that he gets
dp and ds move out and get own place

in all 4 ds needs to get a job

Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 21:50

I don't think you are morally obliged to provide a home for adult offspring.

any more Than adult offspring are obliged to support their parents.

Difficult when the housing benefit rules are as what they are. The DPs ability to provide for son has not altered by moving in with his gf. He moved from a one bed with no room for son, to a place with no room for son. He can't expect to benefit from the move.

janethegirl2 · 04/02/2016 22:08

I'd go as far to tell the 'dp' to fuck off and support his own child in alternative accommodation. I'd not want my own dd's room to be taken by a short term partners idle and lazy bratling.

LieselMeminger · 05/02/2016 00:05

OP is being told that she knew dp had a child therefor should be treating him like her own. If OP did that, and during the two years OP and dp have been living together, she treat him as her own and pushed him to go to college/ uni, or to get a job, arranged interviews for him, got uni application forms etc she'd be torn a new arsehole for overstepping the mark, that she is not his parent and should be butting out as decisions of his education and career have nothing to do with her.

When a step parents tries to involve themselves with anything to do with discipline, guiding and advising, house rules, chores, bonding/affection with their dc they are overstepping boundaries and should back off. If not married then she's told she's not even a stepmum, even thought they've been together years.

But when it comes to things like washing the clothes, picking up after them, babysitting/childcare, going on holiday, buying stuff and spending money, then she's told she must treat the stepchildren like her own and provide for step children like she does her own.

It's been said the OP shouldn't make dp choose between her and his son, because he'll choose his son. I don't think she is asking him to choose, there are several possible options the dp can explore and it sounds like he's pushing for the one with less stress for him and his ds, rather than get him ready to be an adult. If OP does what he wants, her dds can't come home, if anything he's asking her to choose, his son or her own dds.

Ds could be working full time and pay all the ops rent and bills and he still wouldn't be able to live there permanently without making the dds who already live there homeless.

How to house ds if needed should have been discussed before, but wouldn't be suprised if OP brought it up before moving in together she'd probably be told her dps sons plans are none of her business.

Atenco · 05/02/2016 00:23

If this son had no other living or caring parent, I would be advising the OP to suck it up, because I think we all need a home base until we become total orphans, but he has his mother, whereas the OP's dds only have her, quite a different kettle of fish.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2016 03:28

HA rent is nowhere near as expensive as private accommodation so the DP isn't exactly shelling out megabucks is he? If he thinks its ok for his son to bum around then go 1 step further - help him out with a deposit for a room/flatshare nearby, and finding work. Presumably DP can afford it if he's working and paying 1/2 a HA rent, & 1/2 bills too. & if his son's near he'll be able to mollycoddle support him even better, won't he.

Its ridiculous that 5 adults should share a 2 bedroomed flat, and that DDs should return from study to find they've been displaced; why should they be? They've only got the 1 room between 2 of them, as well. & they're adults. So its not as if there's even room for DP's son

& LieselMeminger spot on.

toodles60 · 05/02/2016 09:42

I think you are absolutely being unreasonable and treating your own children one way and your partners children another. It's quite disgusting actually. You are putting all sorts of labels on him. Not quite up to your standard etc. You should be treating all the same. If this person needs a home he should absolutely move in with you. Stop being so selfish. His mother is moving away and now his father's partner is making it clear she doesn't want him either. Very nice.

gleam · 05/02/2016 10:30

I wonder if his mum became fed up with this lazy man and that's why she decided to look for a job in her new partner's area.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/02/2016 10:33

What a load of old cod, Toodles. If OP lets her DP's son move in, he will effectively displace her own 2 DDs from their home. So that would be showing preferential treatment to him, which is more unfair.

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 05/02/2016 10:36

Thanks for all the reply,s lots of different views, Just to clarify that me and Dp have been together nearly 5 years, and DP moving in 2 years ago wasn't taken lightly with all the DCs considered in the move at the time.
Like I said dp would spend quality time with his ds at his home when ds mum was away giving me space with my dds
Also would have DS round for dinner and staying over if he wanted he was always very welcome.
I wont be Moving from HA flat as that would be madness. Am still not sure what the solution will be but under no circumstance will my DP or I will let his son become homeless.
I never said my dds were perfect or a competition between the DC just that I found it difficult that they are indulging Ds at the moment in not making any desciouns about his life re working and studying.
DS although drifting at the moment is a lovely lad and am sure will find the right path.
We will just have to work it out between us all for the best solution for all of us.

OP posts:
LadyLuck81 · 05/02/2016 10:37

I agree with those saying the OP has no obligation. Her first responsibility is to her own daughters. They are at university, not set up in their own homes and permanently moved out.

If her home was bigger, the son much younger, or her kids circumstances different then that might change things. But I don't think she is BU in these specific circumstances.

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 10:38

I don't think he would like living in our house.

My daughter once came back home once after a very short attempt to leave home. The first weekend she was back she was "encouraged" to get out of bed and look in all the shops with her CV in hand. She came back two hours later with a great full time job which she stayed in for a few years.

I don't mind my children living with me, but I object strongly to them not pulling their weight. They have always had a good work ethic though, so it wasn't that difficult to get them going.

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 10:40

What a load of old cod, Toodles. If OP lets her DP's son move in, he will effectively displace her own 2 DDs from their home. So that would be showing preferential treatment to him, which is more unfair.

So pleased you said that Thumb. For the first time ever my hands actually clenched when I read toodles post. I suspect mn is bad for my mental health these days.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2016 10:40

He would take over DDs bedroom, and they would sleep - where, exactly? Head-to-toe on sofa?Hmm . Or should they not have a living room anymore and just turn it into a bedroom, which as well has having 5 people in a 2 bedroomed flat would have a very claustrophobic feel, the kitchen the only place where family can gather. Aside from that, everybody in their own rooms.

I agree with all being treated the same in 1 respect tho - everybody goes out to earn a living, except the precious boychild. So he can do same, can't he? The girls appear to manage well enough

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/02/2016 13:44

I do feel a bit sorry for the son. He's 18. Yes I was in full time work at 18 but I had a home

If my parents decided to move 200 miles away and then me have nowhere to live would be bad - I wouldn't have wanted to move away from my friends etc at 18

Dp needs to man up and look after his son - whether he moves out and rents a place for him and his son or the son sleeps on the sofa for a month or two

tho ds does need to get a job and pay his way

PosieReturningParker · 05/02/2016 14:18

What if he had a job OP?

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 05/02/2016 14:35

Posie, Its not really going to make a difference to him staying long term is it as with or with out a Job if there was room for him to stay then of course he would have his own room.
But I can not give him dds room long term as to my dds its still home and was long before DP moved in.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 05/02/2016 14:36

What blondeshavemorefun said

This could well be my DD in a couple of years time and thank goodness her Dad has a bedroom for her in his house, however how welcome his charmless new wife would make her is another matter.

firesidechat · 05/02/2016 14:49

THE OP HAS NO ROOM. IT IS NOT HER FAULT.