To not want my DPs son to move in.

[livedtotellthetale]

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

Dedicating No was a strange spell check for JessicaRuby! Either he stays with his mum, stands alone or his Dad rents somewhere for them both but the OP and her dds are not in a position to support him.

Have you given the option of ds sleeping on sofa while he finds a job and room in house share ?

Or dp moved out and finds a place with ds

If you don't want him and his stuff in dd bedroom (fair enough) then they are the only two options

Totally understand the walking about naked

I have my DF ds coming to stay in a few weeks for a month or so. Tho I have a spare room. But still Weird as someone could just walk in while we are shagging on the sofa watching tv on the sofa

I'd not have a partner's adult child moving in to my home. Not in a million years. This adult child is the partner's responsibility, not the OP's. He might think it's very convenient for him that the OP's daughters are away at Uni, as that absolves him from making any effort to house his son but that's not a compelling enough reason for me.

He should help the son to find a room in a shared house, (but what sensible landlord would have him if he's without work?),or find somewhere to rent for them both to share.

Once this not-working, loafing-about young man moves in he will be harder to shift than a case of the boils. Not in a million years! Over my dead body! Et cetera, et cetera.

Jessica, leaving aside gender for a minute, I'd like to think that most parents would be willing to house their homeless DCs at pretty much any age. I simply can't imagine being without accommodation and either of my parents closing their front door in my face saying "You're a MAN now, sort your life out."

The issue here was the OP and her DP entering into a quasi-marital arrangement without being happy to enter into actual marriage, i.e., merging two households into one unit.

If they were married, the OP's home would be legally the DP's home as well and he could as well offer it to his son, or anyone else, as she could. If they had considered marriage, the OP might have wondered whether it was a good idea to give a man with a child equal rights to a secure cheap home that is a good permanent home for her and her girls when not attempting to stretch to 5 adults. We don't know what she would have decided but I would have decided "hell, no".

They are not married, but for some reason, the OP allowed the DP to live in her place and assume quasi-spousal rights, and now the DP wants more than she ever agreed to - but never explicitly ruled out.

I dont think the OP should have have had the DP to move in without thrashing all this out and now, I think it would be fine to say "I invited you in, not your son. If you're living with him, you get your own place".

We don't know what sort of relationship the OP and her DP would have after that conversation. Maybe none. Maybe the dp is the kind of man who thinks that relationships with women necessarily lead to cohabitation, that is, the convenience of a housekeeper and a personal body servant. It is interesting how many men think they are entitled to be looked after intimately by a woman and are outraged if the woman wants more of a social or romantic relationship than a domestic or practical one.

I don't know of course

That's such a fabulous post ^ this is similar to my experience with my then dp now dh we have sorted it all out now but it's been a journey and we almost broke up over his lazy then 18/19 year old who I love and adore but will never make my hard-working dc live with full time.

I wonder how much DP towards the living expenses, certainly hope it's not half.

He's nineteen. In the eyes of this government he's not entitled to adult wages or benefits?

1/2 of a social housing rent, 1/2 bills, OPs DDs wor alongside studying and aren't in the house all the time anyway, nor financially dependent. Moneywise, a lot of people would manage just fine like that I shouldn't think the DP is under any major monetary stress

The DS can work if he wants to. The OPs DDs, do work. Alongside Uni. My DDs are in same situation, at Uni, and they work, as do all their student friends actually. Its about wanting to support yourself for the things you want and need in life, especially when just starting out. It does no good infantilising young adults Id never do it, and particularly not for the sake of a man. & especially when that ethos of not working hasn't been instilled in my own DCs yet Im suddenly expected to have it around me.

If DS wants to leave a perfectly good home with his mum then his mum & dad can sit down and sort out together how thats going to work and how they can support him. Hopefully they'll have a little talk with him too re. planning to leave home with no income in place is actually not a plan, nor feasible. Leave OP out of it, he's already welcome there staying over at times why should she be expected to look after his son too, especially when her own DDs are stepping up to the plate and doing for self. Good for them.

& great post HowBadIsThisPlease

I'd like to think that most parents would be willing to house their homeless DCs at pretty much any age.

He is not homeless! He has a home with his mother. He could still have a home with his mother when she moves. He just doesn't want to go with her. But apparently expects everyone else to take responsibility for making that possible. The adult thing to do would be to go with his mother, get a job and/or some training, save up, and in a year or so look into possibly moving back to London with a job and a place of his own. With help with a deposit, which op has said they'd be happy to provide.

Imagine divorce meaning one of your parents no longer would think of housing you at an age where you don't even legally qualify for the minimum wage, in a country that has systematically persecuted young people over the last seven years.

Why on earth wouldn't a couple not have perfectly sorted this out years ago?

How has this boy managed to get to this point of being directionless? What has the father been doing all these years? clearly not taking responsibility.

Young adults are a difficult one. They're legally adults, but the vast majority of them wouldn't be able to support themselves, particularly not in a city as expensive as London. DC who can stay at home for a few years in early adulthood are really at a significant advantage over those who have to go out into the wide world and cover all their own expenses at 18. This is the new reality. And I can see why DSS doesn't fancy either leaving all his friends or trying to support himself in one of the most expensive cities in the world. However, this is as true of OPs children as it is of DSS and, fundamentally, DP has no business expecting her to house DSS at the expense of her own children. Which realistically it is, since they're likely to be home around half of the year and, given that she lives in London, most probably to be back after uni while they try and set themselves up in work. I'd be tempted to try and swap to a 3 bed through council swap to go or similar, some councils and HAs let existing tenants make private swap arrangements with other tenants. But that's as far as it could go. She just doesn't have the room.

On a practical point, I wouldn't be particularly keen to end up with a directionless young adult living with me either. TBH that prospect might have dissuaded me from this relationship, or at least from moving in. If he's not managed to find a job in London, his prospects elsewhere aren't likely to be any better unless he's about to start training as a Welsh language teacher or oil rig cook. That said, as his mother is moving for career reasons, I'm going to guess the '200 miles' is to somewhere like Leeds or Manchester rather than rural Cornwall or similar. So hopefully he finds something there.

I'm trying to think of a world where I'd tell my 18-year-old son he couldn't live with me, he could go and live in a bed-sit.

Never going to happen, my children, parents, siblings, relatives and friends can and will always be welcome to stay here even if it meant they camped in the garden.

Lots of us have lived in shared housing, doing low paid jobs, in London at that age. Not the best time in my life but it's good at keeping you focused on building a better life! When is he expected to fend for himself? When he's in a comfortably paid job and doesn't have to rough it too much? I'd say he's pretty lucky to have the option of his mothers so he has a choice about the situation. It will be more be tricky for the op's 2 daughters to find multiple short stints of holiday work to pay for accommodation outside of term time, however.

"I'm trying to think of a world where I'd tell my 18-year-old son he couldn't live with me, he could go and live in a bed-sit"

If you've got your own home, fair enough. But this man doesn't have his own home, he lives in someone else's. Suddenly his problem has become hers. That's a terrible imposition.

If the son was working it might mean having him temporarily while he saves and looks for his own accommodation. But he's not earning a bloody farthing, he's sitting on his backside being supported by other people and both he and his father, very possibly his mother too are hoping the OP will solve all this for them. Fuck that!

True thehumaneggtimer, but most of us haven't done it under recent London conditions. It's a different world, especially with minimal qualifications and work experience. That said, as bitter points out, DSSs dad doesn't currently have his own home to house his child in. So it's not much use hearing from people who are actually in a position to offer their child a home, even if it is on the garden. You can't provide what you've not got.

Right down to teenagers at uni, a 'slightly directionless' step child and a 2 bed HA place in London that I lived in with my DCs before meeting my exh, I have truly walked in your shoes. I'm telling you now, you cannot win this one.

3 of my 4 step DCs lived with us at various points, with timescales ranging from 3 weeks to 7 years usually with no notice but that's a whole other thread until the last one left- along with his father- last year. I loved them all but pressure was incredible, and I am known for my tolerance and patience. For several years we had our respective teen DS's- who are like chalk and cheese- sharing a box room created by dividing the largest bedroom, while older DD had the other half and somehow studied for her degrees.

If you let the SS stay, even on the couch, it will drive you nuts. You will come to resent the addition work and the strain of living with a long term guest. Before anyone jumps on that last statement, I know it's still family but they have been raised in another household with very different ways. It takes time to evolve a pattern of living with others and usually starts from birth/a young age so the family dynamic here would shift drastically, even if the SS was compliant and keen to integrate. We all know that a step parents place is in the wrong so biting your tongue will become the default position. Whatever you decide, you may be accused of being selfish but actually putting your own sanity first is not wrong.

I cannot see how you can make this work and it's clear that you quite rightly don't think it's possible either. Chances of you getting an exchange into a larger HA property are minuscule as there are so many waiting- I've given up now but was on the list for 11 years which is why we divided the bedroom.
The suggestion that your DP moves into his own place with his DS is the only fair option, though I suspect that either way your relationship will not survive.

Sorry that this sounds so negative but I've been there.

Then the man needs to get his own home so he can take care of his teenage son. The father's social/sex life will just have to take a back burner.

What kind of man fails to provide a place for his offspring?! I never lived at home past age 17 but there was not a DAY up to the moment my dad died when I was near 40 that I would not have been welcome to live under his roof.

Cannot wrap my head around people who produce children and then cannot be bothered if it cramps their personal lifestyle preferences.

I'm prepared to be wrong Jizzy, but 20 years ago I was paying around £300- 400 rent (small shared accommodation, no living room) and earning £3-4 an hour doing bar work 6 days a week, 10 hours a day. Can it have got so much worse than that? And if he wants to be rent free he can live with his mother, while applying for work and looking at options. I think living on the minimum wage is rubbish and London housing is shocking, but that's the real world at the moment and I don't believe it's totally healthy to shelter young adults from it.

Zero hour contracts, greater demand for low skilled vacancies, deranged private rental market complete with parasitic agencies and checking fees every time you renew your AST, yes I'd say it's got worse. I'm sure it wasn't easy 20 years ago either, of course. Yes, DSS best option may well be to go with his mother. Especially if, as I suspect, she's in Manchester or Leeds which have decent job markets themselves. Maybe not if it's rural Wales.

Apart from the ast renewal fees (though our landlords were on the whole, dodgy), I'd say my working conditions were the same, even if they weren't called zero hours that's exactly what they were. It's not that I think these are good social conditions, I think they're criminal, but shouldn't the DSS know how it is out there if he wants to live in London? Might make him think about a game plan.

The private rental market is a completely different world, though.

But yes, might be a good idea. I mean, even if OP agrees and DP ends up on the tenancy, which is pretty much the best case scenario as far as DSS is concerned, he could still end up out on his arse if his father decided enough was enough. Whereas his mother will probably have a lot more disposable income, as she's moving to a better job in somewhere that will almost certainly be cheaper. She's likely to be better able to keep him in the style to which he's become accustomed. She's the better bet if he wants to continue not doing much.

Fair enough, I was renting until last year and it has got worse with ridiculous fees, though I wouldn't say completely different. I always had to have guarantors on paper when younger as we couldn't get a tenancy otherwise. Which can be tricky.

i dont know much about ha, but if op put her dp of 5years on tenancy and said he had a son would she not get moved to a 3 bed place, tho may be years wait

or as ds is over 18 that he wouldnt be included on numbers

could there be a ha swap, so someone in a 3bed wants a 2 and vice versia?

whoops hit post

the main problem is that 1) no space 2) doesnt work lazy bugger

op if you had a 3 bed place would you object to ds moving in and getting a job/contributing to every day living costs