To not want my DPs son to move in.

[livedtotellthetale]

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

But it should be DSS's home just as much as it is your DD's home. They're away the majority of the year, so why do their needs take priority? I understand you see it as their home, but it's your DP's home too, and his son should have as much right to be there as your DD's do.

Can you afford to rent even a three-bed place? Or can you divide off an area of the living room/dining area to make a small box room for DSS? I don't think you can continue to support your adult children and not provide the same support for your partners child.

I fail to understand why the OP is the bad guy in this situation when 1) It was her and her DD's home first, 2) It's her partner who hasn't made provision for his son when he's made various life choices (why, for example, did he not insist on moving to a three bed property when he initially wanted to move in with the OP, thus providing for his son) and 3) It's his mum who's forcing this situation by moving 200 miles away?

If the OP came on and said that her DD was 18 and not in education, training or working then she'd be called a layabout too, I'm pretty sure.

Of course it's not her boyfriend's son's home as much as her own children's! He's not her step son, for one thing. They're not married and have only been together a couple of years. Her boyfriend moved into her house. Her children were already living there.

The only time he'd have as much right as her children is if the OP and her boyfriend had bought or rented somewhere together - a decision made to unify the family. This is not what's happened here.

Yes joining the private rental sector is a terrible idea. I've moved twice in three years because properties have been sold off. Rents are insanely high, and you'll have to pay deposits, reference fees etc. If you're on a low income then letting agents will likely turn you down right away.

OP would be mad to leave her HA flat!

I agree with Imperial, in this scenario it's more like the boyfriend is a lodger of the OP's rather than a co-head of household. I think he needs to establish his own household in order to help his son.

As to this I cringe when I read the posts which suggest the DP should move out and get a place together with this son. Which basically means the OP/DP would split up well, in the first place, his first responsibility is to the offspring he created, not to his own love life. You give up the right to put yourself first when you opt to be a parent. In the second place, many couples enjoy healthy relationships without living together. It's not forever, just for a few years until the youth is educated or established in some sort of occupation.

I don't think the OP is being called a bad guy in this scenario, nor should she. But the boyfriend needs to step it up.

Decent parents don't turn their back on their 18 year old children. How come everyone thinks that the OP's daughters are fragile flowers who need a room to come back to in the holidays, whereas the partner's son at 18 should just be left with no support?? Most 18 year olds DO need their parents. However, I wouldn't tolerate someone lounging around - he needs a job or to go to college.

Let him sleep on the sofa. He'll get sick of it. Then tell him that if he gets a job you will all be able to move to a 3 bedroom place and he can have a room of his own.

If you choose a partner who has children, you choose to take on those children. I'm n my 30's and have been independent for years, but i know that if the shit hit the fan my parents would give me a home. How horrible if you make this boy feel that he doesn't have this.

I'm really surprised by the posters who think that the OP should provide for this young man and treat him the "same" as her own children by letting him move into her children's space. If they had a spare bedroom it might be different but there simply isn't space for him in any permanent way. He can stay with his mum. Can the OP's children stay with their dad or is their only home the one they have with their mum?

Why on earth should the OP'S daughters have to put up with this simply because the young man doesn't want to move with his mum??

If I were one of the DDs I would be upset about this situation and probably would stop coming home much at all.

The 18 year old's parents are the ones who need to step up.

harshbuttrue agree muchly

What does you partner say? Does he know you're not keen?

I would say do not risk your home. Whatever you decide.

I'm in my 30's and have been independent for years, but i know that if the shit hit the fan my parents would give me a home.

...which is precisely what the OP is wanting to provide her DD's. And the DP and DPS's mother can do the same for their DS.

Why should the two girls be denied a home "if the shit hits the fan" ? They have one parent to turn to, while the boy has two.

Your DP needs to move out and get a place with his son. There is no way I'd move the son into a bedroom that is already occupied or give up my HA flat. He wants to bankroll an adult loafing around he's free to do so.

I don't see where that is 'splitting up'. It's perfectly possible to have a strong relationship without living with someone.

So basically you would live alone for 90% of the year and DP would live with DS!

This speaks volumes about your relationship X

Or the partner stumps up for a flat share for his son.

I have no intention on giving my HA home, its my home and would be mad to not sure how long would even need the 3 Bed for, we live in London and the rentals are sky high. Mine and Dps income would be swallowed up.

My Dp and his ex will make sure that the DS has somewhere to live they are not tuffing him out. They both love him and want the best for everyone. solutions are trying to found I just think that him moving in with DP and I is not one that can work.

his DS just needs to find his way with what he wants to do in life it diffcult as my dds have always been proactive so I find it hard to understand why he hasnt more direction.

I think it would be very rash of the OP to give up her secure HA tenancy to move somewhere larger in order to house her partner's young adult son.

Apart from it possible bringing her financial problems in the short term, it's not a long term solution for this young man's housing.

No one needs to be denied a home!! The girls can keep their bedroom, and the boy can have the sofa. Every 18 year old has the right to be safe and warm.

Ah DPs income contributes to the rent, I hope not more than a quarter considering he's no right to his son moving in.

If you were a male and your DP female you would not have the same responses. Nor if this was a DSD.

This is god awful.

Your DP has a son, and no longer a conveniently far away one.

If I were your DP I seriously think about a future with someone who had such little regard for my son.

How melodramatic harsh. I don't think the options were move in with the op or camp on the streets.