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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:

ViviPru · 04/02/2016 15:38

GreenishMe makes a really good point. When I graduated, I moved back home with my Mum in her 2 bed house for almost 3 years (working and contributing) before I was able to support myself independently in my own home. I'd have been seriously buggered (and gutted) had she found a partner and moved his adult son into my room....

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:39

Let's not go into what support he'd get from this government, the answer is
NONE. Nothing, no tax credits, no housing benefit, nothing.

SanityClause · 04/02/2016 15:39

University terms are really short, so your DDs could feasibly be home for about 4 or 5 months of the year.

Five adults in a two bed just won't work. I think it must be hard enough on your DDs having to share with each other, let alone having your DSS on the sofa bed, as well!

If you can't rent a 3 or even a 4 bed, then your DP will need to move out with his DS.

It is tough, but you still need to provide for your DDs, just as your DP needs to provide for his DS.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:40

This OP has chosen to form a relationship with a man with children. He may well feel the same about his children as she does about hers. FFS.

She will have to accommodate all involved in this family, she cannot leave this boy out.

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 15:44

PosieReturningParker so what do you suggest she does about her own children when they return home to no bedroom then? She has 2, he has 1 and there's only one available bedroom (which, incidentally currently belongs to DDs).

So, what does she do then? And if you say move to a bigger house - why should she disrupt her life and finances in order to accommodate a layabout?

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 15:46

And again, what about the mother who has chosen to move away and not take her son? She's left him to fend for himself.

MeridianB · 04/02/2016 15:47

We are not talking about an 8-year-old who visits EOW and now wants to live with his Dad. This is an adult - a grown man who sounds like he has no life of his own.

Presumably, OP and DP would have given everything a second thought if he'd said "I want to move in with my son" at the outset.

Completely agree with WickedWax - once he is in, he won't move out. Better that your DP moves in with his son.

OzzieFem · 04/02/2016 15:48

There's a difference between his son staying there sometimes and moving in permanently.

I can't imagine the scenario with five adults vying for the bathroom or toilet. I agree with the posters who said he would take over her daughter's room and make it his. Her daughters could feel like they have been kicked out of their home.

There would also be an imbalance of two against one while her daughters are at uni. Not saying this would happen but it could, if OP requires DS to get a job and the other two disagree. It's HER flat. It would be different if the DS was younger but he is nearly 19, legally an adult. How long does his father think he will staying for heavens sake?

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:49

It's her DPs son, she'll have to accommodate him. What if he decided her DDs weren't welcome?

That layabout is his son, perhaps not having his Dad around has made him lazy? Perhaps the fact his father apparently could afford only a one bed flat because of child maintenance, because we all know those rich single mothers with their massive maintenance payments, means the apple hasn't called far from the tree.

He's 19, not 25. Give him something to aim for.

I would't be with someone where my kids couldn't live with me or stay with me for a few weeks, how vile for the son.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2016 15:49

No she doesn't need to accommodate her partner's child, he does. And since it can't be managed in their current quarters, he needs to sort out an alternative.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 15:50

Bessie,
The OP shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to do. Her boyfriend should move out and provide a proper home for his son, who while perhaps legally an adult is still a teenager, has not yet acquired training or schooling toward a means to earn a livelihood and clearly from his lack of motivation needs guidance.

Or do you suggest that his idleness is a deep-rooted character flaw and not perhaps the outcome of having parents who apparently are more concerned with their own lifestyle convenience and career choices than with his proper launch in life?

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:50

fallen.

notquitehuman · 04/02/2016 15:50

Normally I'd say that yes, you should open your home up to DSS because he's part of the package when you met DP. However, I wouldn't be happy about an 18 year old man moving in indefinitely with no job and seemingly no plans to study or earn money in the future. What does he do all day? Is he trying to get a job or is he spending all day on the Xbox? If he's got no real ties to the area, then moving with his mother would be a better solution.

The uni holidays will also be a pain in the arse. I used to finish exams around early June and not go back until early October. That's months of crowding in a 2 bedroom flat. Plus there's a month off for easter and xmas, and the odd reading week.

What are the rules for overcrowding if kids are away at uni? Will your DDs count as residents in your home?

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 15:50

LL agree

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2016 15:51

The DP can't decide the OP's DDs aren't welcome, it's their HOME. With their mother, who is the one on the rental agreement, which the DP isn't.

Allalonenow · 04/02/2016 15:52

I think it could well cause friction between you and your partner, as it sounds as though you will, quite rightly, expect his son to behave as a responsible adult, but he will treat his son more as a child.

Also, how will the funding of his son's food/domestic bills work out? It doesn't seem as though you have got much spare cash, yet you will be funding a hungry teenage lad.

How will the son fill his days? I wouldn't be too pleased to be out working each day while an 18 year old played computer games at home!

Far better for him to move with his mother, and start getting his life plan together.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 15:54

That layabout is his son, perhaps not having his Dad around has made him lazy?
**
What a load of rubbish. So all children who didn't have their fathers around probably will turn out lazy? Absolutely stupid, ignorant thing to say.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 16:00

You know what gets me?

Young women come on MN all the time with tales of woe along the lines of 'hi I'm 23 and mum to three DC (all different fathers) and just fell pregnant by my new DP of six weeks but he left when he found out I was expecting and we're on benefits and I don't work or have any skills and two of my CD have SEN and it's just so hard to do it all alone..."

And the responses to the above are all "You poor thing, life is so cruel to you, he's a bastard, blah blah, it's too bad social services don't provide you with even more money after all you're a mum doing her best..blah blah"

But let some poor 18 year old from a broken home, whose parents cast him aside in order to lead their own lives, not be a Rhodes Scholar or CEO of Google or hedge fund banker before he hits 19 and it's all "ooh, lazy irresponsible sod. Let him find a bedsit somewhere. He'll probably just play video games all day long and mooch off you for the rest of his life if you give him even the slightest break or benefit of the doubt! He's 18 for God's sake, why doesn't he have his entire life sorted out already!? What a malingering manchild!"

That double standard is amazing. At least he hasn't, that we know of, pumped out a bunch of kids out of wedlock for other people to finance.

Original poster

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 16:02

Posie, dont really know where you are going with that, Both DP and DPS ex have worked really hard to provide for there DS sometimes life is a struggle.

I do think that they enable their ds too much and have let him drift but its not my place to challenge that.

Also DS Mum is not abandoning him she has a opportunity she did ask Ds if he would go with her.

OP posts:

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 16:03

But he's NOT homeless. He could relocate with his mother or his father could either move out with him or provide funds for a bedsit! Why is this OP's problem?!

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 16:03

Lealander youre talking shite

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 16:06

Yes, I completed my first year of university - a competitive school - before I turned 18. I never lived at home again after the age of 17 and like you, Rafflesway, have enjoyed academic and career success. Some of us are fortunate in terms of emotional and intellectual fortitude. Others need more of a helping hand and I would say the first resort in that case is the person's father. You know, his parent.

If the son doesn't fit into his father's present living arrangement, then the father should find another arrangement. Saying "my job is done, he's 18" is pretty reprehensible.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 04/02/2016 16:07

LeaLeander what a horrible post!

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 16:09

And the responses to the above are all "You poor thing, life is so cruel to you, he's a bastard, blah blah,

Yeah right .The responses are never all 'you poor thing' to the pregnant 23 year old mother of three scenario you've outlined above.

Just as there are differing responses here.

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