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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 17:45

harsh sometimes parents cannot give their adult offspring a home. My SIL cannot provide any longer a home for my Nephew. Circumstances change, your parents may move into assisted living accomadation and not be allowed to have extras there.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/02/2016 17:49

Yabu to prioritise your dd's keeping a room they don't use.

Yes DSS needs to do something, whether working, training or studying. But your dd's don't live there full time and will presumably be moving out soon. DSS needs your support and the room now.

Jan45 · 04/02/2016 17:51

Don't do it, I was in exactly the same position and it was a disaster, you do not have to feel under any obligation to accommodate his son, especially a lazy arse one that has no sense of responsibility.

It will drive you nuts, it did me, lying about all day doing nothing - use the excuse that the rooms belong to your daughters.

Believe me having him visit is one thing, living with you 247 is a completely different ball game.

And yes the answer would be for your DP to get a flat for him and his son, it's not your responsibility.

Enjoy your time now that you are free of parenting, it's not to be scoffed at!

RosaDiaz · 04/02/2016 17:55

Absolutely not, I would find it very difficult living with an idle 18yo.

AyeAmarok · 04/02/2016 17:55

I think the only option is that your DP and DS live elsewhere for a while and your DP guides his son to be able to stand on his own two feet, might only be a year or two.

He won't be paying maintenance anymore so he can pay rent for him and his child. Afterall, he's probably got off lightly (financially) over the last few years that he's been the NRP and had no/low living costs because of his job, then your HA house.

It's temporary.

Muskateersmummy · 04/02/2016 17:56

I think you are a family, so if it was me I would feel I would have to offer dp's son somewhere to stay, that's only fair, it's dp's home too. However, I would offer the sofa bed and only on the proviso that he finds a job. Your dd's don't get a free ride and neither should he.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 17:57

'If you were a male and your DP female you would not have the same responses. Nor if this was a DSD. '

I doubt that. And though the DD's are away a lot, it's not permanent. There's no room for another adult to live permanently in there. It's London, there will not be a 3-bed HA flat.

I'd think seriously about a partner who has such little regard for my daughters just as well.

DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 17:57

hmm, I have very little sympathy with an 18 year old who lives in London for free with parents who is unable to find employment when he doesn't want to stay in education. It's not like he's living in part of the country with high unemployment and no job prospects.

Perhaps a move to a new part of the country with him mum might be the making of him, having no friends or contacts in a new town might force him to do something constructive with his life.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/02/2016 17:58

Where did the OP say she had little regard for her DP's son, posie?

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 17:59

They have been a live in couple for only 2 years, and at the time their children were all well into their teens, but they're a 'family'?

Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 18:07

The ops DD may come home a lot, and uni terms being what they are she is likely to be a home more than uni.

Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 18:10

The DD may be planning further study at her home uni but not necessarily move away after graduation. She may not even graduate. Lots of unknowns.

ElinorRochdale · 04/02/2016 18:13

If the young man's parents were still together and were moving so one of them could pursue a job opportunity, his choices would be exactly the same; move with them, or sort out somewhere for himself to live. Would people say he was 'being made homeless' in those circumstances?

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/02/2016 18:15

The eighteen year old already has options. Move away with his mum and go on living with her (where from OPs description he can go on being protected and living without direction in comfort) is a big one immediately available to him. If he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by moving out of the area then he has the option of doing something positive about it. He's not a child. That doesn't mean I'm advocating slinging him out on the street to toughen up, but there is a whole lot of ground between 'meet his every need poor baby' and 'get thee to the YMCA'.

If his dad feels he wants to move out to set up a home for him (frankly I'd have been ashamed to do that to my father at that age, and I had nothing like this lad's options at the time) then that's his decision. It's perfectly reasonable (and sensible) for the OP to say sorry, that room belongs to my daughters, They haven't left home, they're studying (how about ds trying that as an option?) Plus five adults in small flat? No.

Rather than adults making provision for him, ds needs to be asked what he plans to do. Go with mum or sort himself out something else. He's obviously got two loving, supportive parents who'd be happy to help him with the sorting when he has a plan.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 18:15

If the young man's parents were still together his life would be different in many, many ways, so it's rather apples & oranges, isn't it? Maybe sans the trauma of the breakup he'd have himself more sorted out by this age, for example.

DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 18:16

Most importantly, knowing now that the OP lives in London, it's highly likely her DDs will come back to London after graduating to look for work, it would be a real pity they couldn't move back into their own family home because their Mum's boyfriend's unemployed son has moved in and is being kept to do nothing all day.

eddielizzard · 04/02/2016 18:19

the argument 'treat him as if he were your own son' doesn't hold, because if he were you wouldn't let him drift like this.

yanbu and i wouldn't be happy with your dss moving in.

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/02/2016 18:19

LeaLander sorry but it drives me nuts when people rush to excuse someone not taking responsibility for themselves.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of what happened when my parents decided not to live together. However I and all sibs pulled it together, climbed out of the wreckage and made our own lives. I'd be ashamed to have someone say because of choices my parents made so very little could ever be expected of me. Or that my parents' divorce was the cause of any problems in my life. That kind of thinking doesn't help a teenager in difficulty in any way, it's hugely disempowering.

RidersOnTheStorm · 04/02/2016 18:19

YANBU. If he doesn't want a flat share he can go with his mum.

willywonka69 · 04/02/2016 18:20

He is not your "dear partner'. If he was it would not be "my home' but "our home",
Of course ds would have to move out of the bedrrom if Dd came home at uni holidays. (he cant share with dd x2)
A family would either put up or move
He should LTB.
Or that's what the advise would be if the genders were reversed.

DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 18:21

LeaLeander - true, but then he has no reason to stay in London does he? He has failed to find a job in one of the biggests and busiest Cities, he's not found any courses he wants to do, if he's just going to doss about, why not do it wherever it is his Mum's moving to? I'm surprised you aren't suggesting the mum is selfish for not putting her own career and relationship aims on hold and stay in London until he's ready to act like a grown up.

whois · 04/02/2016 18:21

Why is it a horrible post? She's saying he needs a helping hand and his father should be the one to do it.

LieselMeminger · 04/02/2016 18:24

I agree with those saying that it's not unreasonable for parents to want to provide a space for their dc to return.

It's ops job to do this for her dd, which she has done.
It's the OPs dp and his ex who need to do this for their child. Im suprised that the OP is getting some flack for not providing him his space (which will mean her own dds won't have it) when it's the DP who out himself first by leaving his own flat in which his ds could have returned to any time in order to move in with OP when that room was occupied, without insisting on moving to a place to house them all if needed. If the ex wasn't moving away there a still situations where his son may have needed to live with his dad. His ex coukd have become ill, she could have died. What if your dds never went to uni? He def should have discussed what would happen if something happened to his ex and he needed to be the RP. I'm surprised that he never did this to be honest. No way would I move in with anyone if I couldn't give my child a place to stay until they were settled in their own home, and I'd look down on dh if we split and he couldn't dd a permanent home should something happen to me.

The couch is fine for a temp solution, but it doesn't sound like that is what your dp is asking for. What does he think will happen when the dds come home for hols, or when they finish uni? Does he expect them to find elsewhere to live?

Maybe, your DP could move out into a one bed flat with ds, help him get set up with work or education and part time work, and then leave ds in flat and him move back with you? He will need help with rent, which as dp isn't paying maintenance that could go towards it and ds get a part time job to supplement his studies.

It's not ideal, but dp needs to give his ds some security, and if having his ds move in means taking your dds home away from them, then he may as well be in his own place getting on his feet with dps help, than on a sofa, he'd still need to get sorted regardless.

Good Luck OP.

PosieReturningParker · 04/02/2016 18:24

OP has used his life choices or lack of to make her case, she wouldn't accept him if he were an apprentice plumber in London. Let's face it she's shocked that she is expected to consider his son at all.

SpinyCrevice · 04/02/2016 18:26

Don't do it OP. It is up to your DP to source acommodation for his son in the absence of his son actually doing it for himself like every other adult in the country it will drive you nuts if you are feeling like you are already! I can understand why PPs are saying to give the lad a room but why should you sacrifice your own space for your DPs DS just because he can't be arsed to sort something out for himself like your DDs are doing. Maybe this wil be the push he needs to get a job and a house share or even study something?

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