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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DPs son to move in.

317 replies

livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 14:14

A bit of background my partner moved in with me and dds over two years ago, it is my 2 bed housing association flat he contributes towards the rent and bills. DD1 and DD2 both now away at university.
DP has a DS who is 18 nearly 19 who lives with his mum, DS has always been welcome and sometimes stays at the flat got a nice Sofa bed for that reason and sleeps in the dds room when they are away at uni, DP also spends time with his DS at his home as his mum goes away some weekends we all get on ok.

We do have different parenting ways I think that they smother DS and baby him and pander to him but thats their choice none of my business I know DP hasn't liked some of my parenting in the past.

Now DPs ex is thinking about moving 200 miles away great job opportunity and partner in that area, his DS will not want to move and its been suggested that he moves in with us as dds are away alot at Uni so he can have their room, but thats the problem it is my dds room all though away at uni its still their home to come back too when ever they want need too they have gone no contact with there dad so its just me.

Also I like his DS but he is not working or studying and seems to be drifting and his mum and dad seem to be enabling this again none of my business but my DDS are at Uni and working part time jobs to support themselves so I find it difficult to understand why they are just letting him drift along.

I have got used to having our home for me and DP most of the time walking around naked if I feel like it and just having me to think about if I dont want to cook I dont I think its my time to enjoy myself and not have to worry about teenagers.

I have spoken to Dp about my feelings he thinks I am being unreasonable he says he will pay more towards the rent I just feel I cant do it because of the reasons above.

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 04/02/2016 16:10

At least he hasn't, that we know of, pumped out a bunch of kids out of wedlock for other people to finance.

Pft.

You feel aggrieved for this young man but are happy to stick the boot in elsewhere.

EeyoresTail · 04/02/2016 16:11

I think people are missing the fact that it was the OP and her daughters' home before she met her partner. His son has no claim to their room.

Headofthehive55 · 04/02/2016 16:12

The room is already taken. You can't have another person living with you. If you can't afford a three bed, and he needs to provide for him then he should move out with him.

A member of our family had fallen on hard times and effectively lost their house, needing to move in with her own mother. There is no room to accomadate her own son and girlfriend. They have had to move in with her relatives. Sometimes you just can't provide for your children and need to accept that. If your gilrfri d is not prepared to provide for your son you can't force her!

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 16:14

Well, let's put it this way, Mitzy: The responses to the hypothetical posts I outlined that are NOT "you poor thing" are reported to MN as being "harsh" or unsupportive.

But time after time, not just this thread but many others, whenever it's a teen stepchild who is inconveniencing the step-parent, the consensus is that the spoiled good-for-nothing needs to learn the hard way that he is on his own and shouldn't have his paw out to his parents or anyone else for assistance. It's predictable every time and I think the double standard of forgiving monumental missteps, with no suggestion of personal responsibility allowed - on the part of young women but condemning young men who are lost, fumbling and dependent, is just amazing.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2016 16:19

OP - are you comfortable that your relationship is strong enough to give up the security of "your" flat and find a 3 bed place? I don't get "we are committed to each other and planning to get married" vibes anywhere?

I think that a lot rests on where you two are as a couple. Either way I would be insisting that his DS needs to be in work or full time study before you will consider it and then only on an interim basis with either you all moving to a larger place, or DS moving out.

bessiebumptious2 · 04/02/2016 16:20

LeaLeander I think most folk are just sick and tired of people being 'victims'.

Most people have NOT said that this son should learn the hard way. They have said that his father should move out to support him! Not that he is OP's responsibility, which would be ridiculous. You're suggesting that OP should basically kick her own children out in order to accommodate her partner's son!!

But yes, if he's not trying to get a job and he's capable, just lazy, then he's a layabout. Simple.

Rafflesway · 04/02/2016 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaLeander · 04/02/2016 16:25

No, not at all. My first post in this thread said that I support the OP completely and that in her shoes I would not want the inconveniences associated with the boyfriend's son moving in. But I do think the father should move out and arrange some sort of home to share with his son until the youth is more grounded and ready to take care of himself.

We don't know if he's a layabout because he has emotional problems, mental problems, PTSD from his parents' breakup, been bullied, has intellectual problems that interfere with academic success, is on drugs or whatever. But telling him "off to sort it out yourself" is negligent. The father needs to prioritize guiding his son over maintaining a more congenial living arrangement.

Collaborate · 04/02/2016 16:25

You'll have to move to a larger property, or split up. You can't ask him to choose between you and his son. If he's worth keeping, he'll choose his son every time.

ImperialBlether · 04/02/2016 16:25

I think the OP would be crazy to give up her home to live in a bigger place so that her partner's son could be housed. Really, it's her home, not her partner's. Yes, he lives there but if they split up, he'd be the one who had to leave. He's not married to her, there's no legal agreement. It's her home and she lets him stay there. And now he wants his son to move in - I wouldn't want that, either. It would be different if he was younger, but he's not. He's 18 and doing nothing. Giving him a rent free home with no responsibilities wouldn't do him any good and besides, the OP doesn't want him there. It's her home and she should be able to say who lives there.

nauticant · 04/02/2016 16:26

It's not her first and it won't be her last.

nauticant · 04/02/2016 16:28

Woah, things have moved on since my post. Roger Irrelevant there!

Original poster
livedtotellthetale · 04/02/2016 16:29

Dp is not in no way or form saying right your 18 now make your own way in life, Dp and I didn't know that this was the way things were going to go and Ds has always been welcome in our home.

But I can see that it just isn't going to work with Ds moving in fully as there just isnt the capacity. and its still my dds home for now weather they come back after Uni or not till they have finished and made that decision its still their home.

Maybe we all need to sit down Me Dp DS and his Dm to try and work something out.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 16:29

The important thing for me is that it's a Housing Association flat the OP has, so a secure tenancy, but as all three DCs are over 18, the OP wouldn't be entitled to a larger property. However, if she moves out to accomodate the fact that for nearly half the year, there will be 5 adults in a 2 bed flat, she'll have to give up her secure tenancy and is unlikely to get another one.

Don't give up your flat, if you need more space, get your DP to move out with his DS - he's not paying maintenance now, he can afford it, and surely his DS will get a job eventually?

Although to me, it sounds like the best option for the DSS would be to move with his mum and have a fresh start in a new town, away from friends who think doing nothing all day is ok way to spend his life...

GreenishMe · 04/02/2016 16:31

lived obviously your DP is worried about being able to afford to rent somewhere else for himself and his son, but it's do-able between the two of them. It could actually be the making of the son because he'll have to get a job and help his dad with the rent etc?

You want to provide a home for your DD's to come back to and your DP can do the same for his son if they work together.

Your DD's have only one home to return to. Your DP's son will potentially have two to choose from so don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to secure a home for your own DD's.

MeetMyCat · 04/02/2016 16:33

I cringe when I read the posts which suggest the DP should move out and get a place together with this son. Which basically means the OP/DP would split up on account of housing an ADULT. We're not talking about a vulnerable 8yr old here.

OP - you don't have enough room, and even if you did, do you really want an unemployed adult loafing round your house all day? Sounds like a disaster to me.

(Wanders off, muttering about bringing back National Service .........)

SmashingTurnips · 04/02/2016 16:35

I think having him move in would be unfair to your daughters and probably not actually helpful to this young man in the long run.

If his mum is moving very soon I would probably offer a place to stay whilst he sorts out something more permanent but there would be a time limit to the arrangement and I would help him sort stuff out (which you already suggested upthread when you mentioned helping him with a deposit).

I would be feeling annoyed with my partner for thinking that it is ok for him to move in to my DDs room.

Fact is that when you do not live independently you do not have a huge amount of choice over your living arrangements. Sounds like he is perfectly welcome at his mum's new place. Understandable that he doesn't want to move away from friends, his dad, etc but that means he needs to put a bit of effort into getting what he wants.

Sounds like a difficult situation OP, I really feel for you.

jay55 · 04/02/2016 16:39

Could he stay with you until the Easter hols on condition he looks for a job and his dad will help him with deposit for a room in a house share?
Does he have plans to stop drifting?

MeetMyCat · 04/02/2016 16:43

If he moves in, even temporarily, it may be quite hard to get him out again.

notquitehuman · 04/02/2016 16:43

I don't think anyone is expecting the son to have his shit completely together or to be working as a CEO in this point in his career. Even if he works a few hours a week in a McJob at least he's doing something and contributing. The OP hasn't said what his attitude to work is. He may be applying for dozens of jobs a day, or he could be sitting around moaning about the lack of opportunities. I'd feel much more inclined to help him out if it was the former.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2016 16:43

"It's her DPs son, she'll have to accommodate him. What if he decided her DDs weren't welcome? "
OP's DP is living with her, in her flat, with her name on the lease. He frankly has no say in whether her daughters are welcome back to THEIR HOME when they at not at University. It was THEIR FAMILY HOME before OP invited this man into HER HOME. So no, she doesn't have to accommodate another adult just because her DP would find this easier. The only thing OP has to do is what's best for her.

"Before he moved in with me Dp had a one bedroom flat that came with the Job he worked at, he couldn't afford much more after paying maintenance. "
Since his son is nearly 19 and not in education, I presume maintenance is no longer paid? So he should be able to afford a bit better. And with his son working and bringing some money in, they should be OK. OP's DP may see the wisdom in encouraging his son to find direction when he has to live with the consequences of letting him drift.

So many other points in this scenario. OP has a secure tenancy, what security would she have if they had to go the private sector for a 3-bed? How would her daughters feel about their bedroom, already cramped, having their stuff overwhelmed with this young man's stuff? Would they feel it was still their home (which they may have to return to post-graduation too)? OP has to date kept out of DP's parenting choices, how could she should they become one household? And more. Even turning this around and the flat was home to a man and his two sons, his girfriend moved in two years ago and now wants her almost-19 daughter to move in too - no, just as bad for the man and sons.

OP's DP needs to find a solution, not look to OP to just budge up and shut up.

Babyroobs · 04/02/2016 16:45

Even if your dp's son was working he is still unlikely to be earning enough to pay for his own place, although maybe a room in a house share might be an option. He would be low priority for council help and wouldn't get housing benefit. I think posters are being unkind calling him lazy etc, he is 18 years old and possibly unsure what he wants to do with his life and facing uncertainty. I think most loving parents would recognize that they have a responsibility to help their grown up kids . I think the only alternative is for your dp to find a flat for him and his son to share or for you to rent somewhere bi enough for you all to live comfortably.

MeetMyCat · 04/02/2016 16:46

I think the OP would be mad to give up a secure tenancy to move into the private rental sector. Does no one watch the documentaries on Channel 5?

OneMagnumisneverenough · 04/02/2016 16:47

Sounds sensible OP - you need to establish what everyone wants out of this situation. The way you worded your OP it didn't seem as if the decision was cut and dried. I think the thing to work out is what does the boy/man actually want to do? He may feel like the rug has been pulled out from under him but it may be the making of him.

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