Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you (honestly) feel this is justified

168 replies

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:13

I realise it's difficult to get a picture of a relationship from a snapshot but would you ever think this is justified.

Woman works from 8 o clock until 3 o clock, and is generally home no later than 4.

Man works long hours - 12 hour days 4 days a week.

Is he justified in stating his partner should do all the housework? The couple are renting and he pays for the rent and other bills.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/02/2016 22:03

I would run fast and far from anyone who felt their financial power meant he/she was purchasing a partner as a maid.

And all this 'meal cooked on the table' fuck. It's not 1950.

I would leave quickly.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:03

It's not the housework as such that's the issue but the expectations

OP posts:
Verbena37 · 03/02/2016 22:04

DH and I think it's weird when a couple who have made the commitment to live together still have 'his and her' money. Paying for things separately is a bit odd....I realise that for ease, some things might come out of one account if the other is paid cash or whatever.

When we moved in together our wages were jointly ours and from them, all bills and outgoings were paid. I earn next to nothing but I can still buy whatever I want from out account but because I'm off three days a week, I do most of the housework. DH gets in about 8/9 each night and so I wouldn't expect him to then start doing housework. He chats to the children and helps with homework sometimes. At weekends, I do a bit of washing of school kits and have a Hoover round and cook but that's it as the majority is done in the week. If I worked full time, we would have to share it out more evenly.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:05

When they marry they will have a joint account but as they are still engaged it's separate accounts for now.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/02/2016 22:05

And I wouldn't waste time with, 'have tea and a chat' 'sit down with him'. He's an adult. He knows damn well what he's doing and won't change for shit. And being hauled up when it's not done to his standard? Then he hires a fucking servant. You cannot change controlling people like this.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2016 22:05

I think he should go and live in a hotel and she should go and find someone who doesn't use money to disrespect her.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2016 22:06

It's both the housework and the expectations. Wake up and smell the coffee! Trawl the threads on here. This only gets worse.

LittleBeautyBelle · 03/02/2016 22:06

He shouldn't expect you to do everything. Ridiculous. I can't think of anybody who is expected by their spouse to do every single thing in the household. If he wants a maid, he can pay for a maid. What did he do before he got married? He had to do chores then, didn't he? Even if you were not working at all, he should take an interest in the house and upkeep in some way.

clam · 03/02/2016 22:07

Have a read of this thread and its predecessor if you want to see how the future lies for you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2016 22:08

"She has repeatedly offered to pay her way but her partner won't let her."

Why doesn't she use a portion of her earnings (which are all personal spending money, yes?) to hire a regular cleaner.

He's happy (still thinks he's the breadwinner and comes home to a clean house that he doesn't have to make any effort to maintain).
She's happy (she knows she is a fair contributor and comes home to a clean house that she doesn't have to make any effort to maintain).

Pingu1975 · 03/02/2016 22:08

She isn't his maid regardless of how much or how little either pay for bills Hmm why are people incapable of looking after themselves?

AvaLeStrange · 03/02/2016 22:10

Run like the clappers love. There are red flags all over this one.

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/02/2016 22:10

"I am so, so tired of threads like this and even more tired of the responses that suggest division of housework should be determined by economic power."

^

This.

Something about the set up in the op just doesn't sit right with me.

The money vs the cleaning are two separate issues. He wants to support her in her career, he hasn't hired her as a maid.

You pick up after yourself. If one person is home early it makes sense for them to cook a meal but when you're both at home you both participate in keeping he house in shape.

Would any woman here be comfortable with their partner running around picking up their dirty socks and pants, cleaning up the dinner plates, while they just what, sit down?

cdtaylornats · 03/02/2016 22:12

It also depends on the job, if he is doing hard physical work - say a builder and she is doing an office job.

Who does the maintenance work on the house?

ZiggyFartdust · 03/02/2016 22:13

There is room for many different set ups. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of the setup, only what the couple involved think (not that that will stop most people here telling you exactly what you should be doing).

It could be argued that he is effectively paying her to be a housekeeper, and that its a pretty good deal to swap the housework for free rent and bills. If you both agreed to it, that is.

Dragonsdaughter · 03/02/2016 22:13

Because he thinks he is looking after her in an old fashioned male way and she should look after him in an old fashioned girl way - and lets be honest it works for some couples - especially before kids.
Also I do think 13 hours differance in time worked is a lot - and for a couple somone doing 13 hours housework sould leave the house like a palace !

QuiteLikely5 · 03/02/2016 22:13

Why are you talking in the third person!

You have been told about this mans attitude towards relationships........it ain't healthy and doesn't bode well for the future!

In a few years he will be picking at you for all sorts of reasons.......whilst he just sits back and watches (well he earns the money dontcha know) how you parent etc will all be under his scrutiny

Fairenuff · 03/02/2016 22:15

She should not marry him.

BYOSnowman · 03/02/2016 22:15

This sounds horrible. How long have you been together? Sounds like she is settling too soon.

Joint account will mean nothing. And God help you if you ever end up on maternity leave (you'll have to use your savings to ensure continued contribution no doubt) or sahm

Split up - live your own life and build your career. Then worry about marriage. You'll meet someone much better suited to you

usual · 03/02/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/02/2016 22:15

What has how physical his job is got to do with it?

Ffs, what would these men do if they lived alone without their maid girlfriend to wash their socks? Get their mothers round to do it because they're too tired from work. Diddums.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:15

I didn't feel I could say 'I' or 'me' as it isn't a current state of affairs - it was how our relationship went when we first got engaged. TBH there were red flags even before that but he still feels this was totally justified and I wondered what others thought.

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 03/02/2016 22:16

So what's it like now you're married?

RhiWrites · 03/02/2016 22:17

BYOSnowman has a great plan. She uses her spare cash to hire w cleaner. That way the housework is done, she's contributing financially and she's not his skivvy.

Personally I'd DTMA for his controlling and uncompromising asshattery but I assume the OP sees something in him.

Betcha he forbids the cleaner though.

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/02/2016 22:18

Btw I worked ran a house and looked after a baby, ALONE.

I'm married now, should that mean my life is easier or have I in fact adopted another child to take care of and clean up after.

Swipe left for the next trending thread