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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you (honestly) feel this is justified

168 replies

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:13

I realise it's difficult to get a picture of a relationship from a snapshot but would you ever think this is justified.

Woman works from 8 o clock until 3 o clock, and is generally home no later than 4.

Man works long hours - 12 hour days 4 days a week.

Is he justified in stating his partner should do all the housework? The couple are renting and he pays for the rent and other bills.

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 03/02/2016 21:34

I think he has a point, if the genders were reversed the bloke would get called all sorts.

UndramaticPause · 03/02/2016 21:35

I'd suggest they quit squabbling and get a cleaner. But if that's a no go then yes she should do more as pp said he's bought a maid effectively

TamaraLamara · 03/02/2016 21:35

Tamara I think 'she' wink doesn't mind the housework but hates being told she has to and really hates being hauled up when something isn't done to his standard

Ah, well in that case the issue is not the division of labour, it's more an issue of rudeness/lack of appreciation.

Daffydill2016 · 03/02/2016 21:36

I think she should be doing things to keep the house running during the week, making the meal so it's ready when he gets in, tidying up, filling/emtying the dishwasher, putting on a load of laundry., pushing the Hoover round. Then on the day he is off and she is at work, he should be doing the major jobs, cleaning the bathroom, changing the bed, catching up on the ironing.

DH and I work similar hours four days a week, so do similar amounts of work around the house. On the fifth day, I only work three hours, so do all the catch up stuff, ironing, bathroom, beds, bulk of the laundry. Neither of us want to be doing that stuff in the evening or at weekends, so it works for us.

Soooosie · 03/02/2016 21:36

Is he working 4 days while she is working 5 days?

MammaTJ · 03/02/2016 21:37

35 hours vs 48 hours, in my head there are 13 hours that need to be done by her but he also needs to do some! It takes more than 13 hours to maintain a household!

BYOSnowman · 03/02/2016 21:38

If he's going to comment on how you do it that's not on - he's not your boss

I think the whole set up is unhealthy. She should pay her way and he should realise she's not the maid

Chrysanthemum5 · 03/02/2016 21:38

If there are no children then resin ally I'd run very fast for the hills. He's using his higher wages as justification for treating his partner like a maid. He's showing you what he's like and what he thinks of you. Stay with him if you want but I guarantee if you have children he will expect you to do all the work because you won't be contributing at the same financial level as him.

He sounds awful - although we only have your side I suppose Grin

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:38

Yes, that's right Soosie.

OP posts:
Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:39

She has repeatedly offered to pay her way but her partner won't let her.

OP posts:
PenelopeChipShop · 03/02/2016 21:39

I am so, so tired of threads like this and even more tired of the responses that suggest division of housework should be determined by economic power.

Everyone should pick up after themselves no matter how much they earn, and I really don't see how any equal relationship can function under the terms that one person does all the grunt work.

Why the hell should anyone have the right not to wash their own bloody underwear because they earn more than the person they're supposed to love and respect above all others??!

VinoTintoPorFavor · 03/02/2016 21:39

Have just seen the posts about the money as well.

Yes both people should be making a proportionate contribution in money and in effort. At the moment is sounds like 'he' is justifying zero contribution in effort because 'she' gives zero contribution in money. There's often a perception about the power lying with the person who pays, so sort that out for a more balanced arrangement.

Seeyounearertime · 03/02/2016 21:39

Partner A works 8-4 for 5 days = 35-40 per week Saturday Sunday off.
Partner b works 8-8 for 4 days = 44-48 per week Friday Saturday Sunday off. No kids and renting.

both get up at 7am, both go to bed at 11pm
A gets 4-11 each night (7hrs x 5 days = 35)
weekend 7-11pm off (32) (35 + 32 = 67 hours "Free" each week)

B gets 8-11 mon - thu (3x4 = 12)
weekend 7-11 (16 x 3 = 48) (48 + 12 = 60 hours "free" each week)

I'd say that person A should be doing precisely 7 hours more house work than person B.

So in the interests of balance, if it was me and my OH, i'd suggest that person A cooks each night, everything else is split down the middle.
A does hoovering, B cleans kitchen.
A does bathroom downstairs, B does bathroom upstairs.
A does house repairs, B does car maintenance.

how sthat OP? Grin

RandomMess · 03/02/2016 21:40

Pulled up about standards is completely unreasonable.

I think %age of salary towards household bills is fair

Equal leisure time is fair

Soooosie · 03/02/2016 21:40

Is he working 4 days while she is working 5 days?

12x4= 48 hours per week

7x5= 35 hours per week

I'd say she should do more (not all) chores on his long working days. He should do all the chores on his day off, while she's working. Weeke
DS chores should be shared 50/50

BYOSnowman · 03/02/2016 21:40

Well then the relationship isn't very good and he seems controlling

Are they married?

dun1urkin · 03/02/2016 21:40

I disagree that it takes more than 13 hours to run a household. There aren't any DC in this situation.
That said, I don't think she should do all the housework. She should do more than him because she has more unpaid time. She should also pay her share.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:41

Engaged, but not married.

OP posts:
Soooosie · 03/02/2016 21:41

Weekends should be 50/50

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 03/02/2016 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItchyArmpits · 03/02/2016 21:41

yy MammaTJ

What counts as housework? Are we talking a weekly hoover and wipedown of kitchen and bathroom?

Or all the washing, ironing, putting away, dusting, shopping, cooking, kitchen cleaning, window cleaning, mopping floors, polishing the silver and who knows what else?

I think the gent in question should bear in mind that feeling like a servant is not very sexy, and demanding his girlfriend pick up after him all the time will poison the relationship. Maybe they make a list of what needs to be done, and he can use some of his enormous salary to pay a cleaner to do his half?

dun1urkin · 03/02/2016 21:42

Just seen the update. If he won't allow her to pay her share she should run for the hills... that on top of the pulling her up on standards is a big red flag

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:42

Well, when we moved to this property, I was still a student and had no money but he was working full time in a well paid professional career. He paid for the deposit and first months rent. I did keep offering rent and bills once my first pay came through but he wouldn't let me, just explaining that as I wasn't freeloading (I am not like that.)

OP posts:
whois · 03/02/2016 21:42

7h difference in working time.

There is only the 2 of them. Is there REALLY more than 7 hours of housework to do???

GoringBit · 03/02/2016 21:43

Why the hell should anyone have the right not to wash their own bloody underwear because they earn more than the person they're supposed to love and respect above all others??!

This.

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