Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Financial control - Part 2

(999 Posts)
AngryMo Mon 01-Feb-16 08:39:55

Just starting new thread. Hopefully can kickstart it with details of my CAB meeting.

PhoenixReisling Mon 01-Feb-16 09:05:51

We're all behind you Mo.

You are not making a fuss. What he is doing has done is outrageous!

good luck for today.

Remember, write down questions/facts in bullet points, because if it becomes too much at least the CAB official can simply read it.

flowers

AngryMo Mon 01-Feb-16 09:49:07

Thank you, am going to try my best to remember that. Eek. This is really tough.

Akire Mon 01-Feb-16 09:54:13

Yes all aboard for mo well done for going to see CAB party bus.

trackrBird Mon 01-Feb-16 10:10:51

Good luck Mo!

mix56 Mon 01-Feb-16 10:11:54

Don't panic, they will have heard it all before.....For you its embarrassing & all sorts of other emotions, for them it's another women to advise. It's their job.

Grumpyoldblonde Mon 01-Feb-16 11:31:16

Good luck Mo, hope it goes well

Akire Mon 01-Feb-16 11:38:31

Saw this post in the first sticky post in relationships well worth repeating here.

"I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody."

Hope your back home for a sit down and a coffee or something stronger

RandomMess Mon 01-Feb-16 12:22:50

Hope you are feeling empowered with how to take the next step forward flowers

velocitygir1 Mon 01-Feb-16 13:00:51

Hope it goes well at CAB Mo

FATEdestiny Mon 01-Feb-16 14:08:37

How did it go Mo?

AngryMo Mon 01-Feb-16 14:37:56

I love that post Akire. Highlights everything that is wrong in mine.

So: Meeting went well. Lovely CAB woman. Just the look on her face, her eyes widening when I told her what he earns v what he gives us to live off, just said it all really. Without even working out what I would receive in benefits if we separate, it's pretty clear I'd probably be better off financially without him. I told her what he'd said about calculating the money he gives me on benefits, and she was horrified. I must try again to get him to admit that by email - I mentioned it in an email last week but he didn't confirm or deny it.

She reckons it is possible with a SHL to negotiate maintenance for me as well as children even though as many have pointed out there is no legal obligation. The fact we've been living together so long, have jointly been paying the mortgage for so long except obviously last two years, have children together, the age they are etc, can all be taken into consideration if SHL is SH enough.

She gave me lots of information, other organisations I can contact, but the main outcome is I need a solicitor, as we all know anyway. I'm going back again next week to discuss the practical and financial side of things: i.e. if we separate, how much money will I actually have to live off based on different scenarios, e.g. could I cope with half mortgage payment on my own, is there equity in the house, could I buy him out etc.

I'm currently gathering all important documents and will make copies of everything. I am so lucky he's not here and I have time to do this. Can't find house deeds though. Think you can just order them online can't you?

I also need to keep a diary, to record any conversations between us but also spending. Work to do later...

Akire Mon 01-Feb-16 14:46:38

So glad it was a positive experience for you and you are going back next week, and you have list of things you can get together in the mean time.

Practically what can you do about the solicitor ? Would your parents be able to help if only with a loan until you can access money?

Did she work out if you can claim benefits know you weren't sure, though sounds like they will be using them in calculations so good sign

Barmaid101 Mon 01-Feb-16 15:00:09

I only read your previous thread for the first time the other day and I was horrified.
I moved and gave up work when we had our lo and I work 1 day a week getting £60. My dh would never dream of treating me the way your dh would. All money is family money. I would always ask before buying anything more than £15 and that would actually upset him that I felt it was his money. I stay at home bringing up our dd.
You are doing brilliant now you are trying to get out of this situation. It's not fair on you or the dc and it will be tough but in the long run it will benefit you and the dc.
Stay strong!

nauticant Mon 01-Feb-16 15:03:33

That is a really good update. I'm pleased to read you've found additional support.

Make sure you store your copies, and other original documents, in a safe place somewhere other than your home. You might think you can find somewhere at home that he won't find. This could be a bad mistake. Handbags are not safe places and are often rifled through.

AngryMo Mon 01-Feb-16 15:08:59

Great tip, thank you Nauticant.

Dungandbother Mon 01-Feb-16 15:12:25

Phew. Task done.

We're still here Mo and will help you on your mission.

I've just had a major setback in my divorce so I know what the journey ahead holds. thanks

kittybiscuits Mon 01-Feb-16 15:20:14

Well done Mo flowers

OvertiredandConfused Mon 01-Feb-16 16:01:34

Great news Mo. Still cheering for you!

NettleTea Mon 01-Feb-16 16:10:26

yay!!!

Mrskeats Mon 01-Feb-16 16:37:11

Brill news well done you
Have been seething on your behalf since reading your original post so I'm so pleased you are getting sorted

tribpot Mon 01-Feb-16 16:48:04

I think this may have been an important step for you - external validation from a real person (not people on t'internet, although we are real too!) that this behaviour is completely unreasonable.

PhoenixReisling Mon 01-Feb-16 17:09:41

tripot has hit the nail on the head....you now have external validation, that his behaviour is completely unreasonable.

You are a smart women, you must continue being the silent assassin.

Someone said on the last thread (sorry I cannot remember who) that they paid SHL monthly --I think-, which maybe useful if you do use a solicitor.

I second copying and storing info and keeping it elsewhere (just in case he decides to visit), maybe change passwords on emails etc?

I'm glad it went well today.

flowers

mix56 Mon 01-Feb-16 17:18:10

in the paperwork you will need copies of all of the important docs you can get your hands on & the originals of the DC's birth certificates (& passports if they have them) Give them to your Mum, or very best friend .....Do NOT keep them in the house.
I think you are going to have to borrow for SHL. You don't have any brothers or sisters who might be up for a loan ?
When is P coming for his inspection ?

happygoluckylady Mon 01-Feb-16 18:28:17

Good woman! Lots of MNers are very proud of you x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now