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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you (honestly) feel this is justified

168 replies

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:13

I realise it's difficult to get a picture of a relationship from a snapshot but would you ever think this is justified.

Woman works from 8 o clock until 3 o clock, and is generally home no later than 4.

Man works long hours - 12 hour days 4 days a week.

Is he justified in stating his partner should do all the housework? The couple are renting and he pays for the rent and other bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:20

What is DTMA?

OP posts:
HowBadIsThisPlease · 03/02/2016 22:21

Run a mile

expatinscotland · 03/02/2016 22:21

Oh, okay, so this entire conversation has been academic? Hmm This is right up there with those threads where the OP uses 'they' instead of 'her' or 'him'.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:23

Sorry expat but it is something that's still contentious and I suppose still niggles at me.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 03/02/2016 22:23

I'm usually the last one to say "leave the bastard" - and I'm not necessarily saying that, but major red flags, and just reading it gives me a sort of dull ache in the pit of my stomach on your behalf.

LeaLeander · 03/02/2016 22:24

Agree with Milk. He is footing all the bills AND has 13 hours per week less downtime than her?

Then yes, in his shoes I too would expect to come home to an orderly, clean, comfortable home and to have her do the food shopping and other household errands. Otherwise, what is she really doing to hold up her end of the arrangement? A free ride, a part-time work schedule and expecting him to scrub the toilets and change the bedsheets? Hardly acceptable.

3luckystars · 03/02/2016 22:27

She should use her money to pay a cleaner. End of story.

Judydreamsofhorses · 03/02/2016 22:29

My partner pays all our rent because I pay the mortgage on a property I owned before we moved in together - it's just about to go on the market - and we split the bills, food etc. Technically he is solely responsible for the roof over our heads, but I don't feel in any way that I should make up for this by doing all the housework, and nor does he. I get home from work slightly earlier and will often start dinner, but we split cooking fairly equally, and we have set "jobs" we do in terms of housework - he tends to save his up for the weekend (which does drive me slightly bonkers) but we probably do about the same, with one of us picking up the slack if the other's had a really busy week, is unwell, or whatever.

TitClash · 03/02/2016 22:29

That doesnt sound like a partnership, as they both work one solution would be to pay for a cleaner for a few hours a week.

But some discussion at least would be nice...

expatinscotland · 03/02/2016 22:29

So now they have a joint account and he's still expecting this? Don't have kids with this person. It will get worse.

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:33

Unfortunately I did and it did get worse.

OP posts:
clam · 03/02/2016 22:34

For me, it's not about hours worked, or wages banked. It's about the way he was speaking about it. Words like "expect," "tells her least she can do is ensure the home is clean and in order," "her partner won't let her," "he still feels this was totally justified," set my nerves jangling.

You're not his bloody employee.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/02/2016 22:34

Looks lopsided to me. They should both contribute financially and they should both do household chores.

songbird · 03/02/2016 22:37

Are you still with him droopy?

Sunnyshores · 03/02/2016 22:37

its about the amount of free time they both have available to do housework - the financial contribution they both make may make a difference to who buys what or who pays for what, but not to who does household chores.

Unless of course it was agreed some time ago that you did all the chores and benefitted by living in his multi-million pound appartment and driving his Bentley to Fortnum & Mason for the weekly shop!

Can I suggest he uses his wealth to employ a cleaner!

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:40

No, not now. But I still struggle to process some things.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 03/02/2016 22:41

Does this man have any redeeming features? You're very young so take it from an oldie, this is not normal, and it will only get worse. Sounds like he is making a massive deal out of his financial contribution, which equals household power in his head, and his woman's householdly duties. What a fucking bore, who wants that shit at any stage in their life, but particularly at 22? Do yourself a favour and find someone with a kinder outlook on life and who isn't tediously hung up on money and power.

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/02/2016 22:43

Do people really work their relationships like that? Calculating how much free time they have and who contributes more financially thus making the higher earner more important?

Mustgetmynailsdone · 03/02/2016 22:45

Sun shores I was just going to say that
Only solution I have ever come up with... Boyfriend lived with , flat mates, dh
Get a cleaner
3/ 4 hours a week
They do the bulk ( I know there is still stuff left like laundry etc )
Then just sort out who makes beds , grocery shops , cooks etc etc .

I know it's expensive but my experience taught me spend on this and save elsewhere . She could pay it , he could pay it , pay half each .. Whatever

just do it
Life is short

Dragonsdaughter · 03/02/2016 22:45

The free time yes ! The money no.

nilbyname · 03/02/2016 22:51

Money does not equal power in a long relationship.

He sounds controlling and very vey old fashioned! He put you in a position where he set you up to be beholden to him, there were so many strings attached!

You're out of it now?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2016 22:52

So the thread started off with OP's tale about this unmarried but engaged couple with no children, one of whom was clearly OP, but we discover after 5 or 6 pages that they are actually married and do actually have child(ren) ... and the question is ...

what?

What now, OP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/02/2016 22:53

A partnership usually means all parties pulling their weight in order to be a team.

It does not matter what each ones contribution towards their own life and the team is but there should be a contribution

Original poster
droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:53

As I've said I just wondered if this incident in isolation was indicative of control and red flags

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 03/02/2016 22:56

He doesn't want a partner he wants a live in maid. Certainly that his how he is treating his p with that attitude.

Does he expect sex on demand too?

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