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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you (honestly) feel this is justified

168 replies

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 21:13

I realise it's difficult to get a picture of a relationship from a snapshot but would you ever think this is justified.

Woman works from 8 o clock until 3 o clock, and is generally home no later than 4.

Man works long hours - 12 hour days 4 days a week.

Is he justified in stating his partner should do all the housework? The couple are renting and he pays for the rent and other bills.

OP posts:

Original poster

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 22:56

Yes. Definitely.

OP posts:

Jux · 03/02/2016 23:01

Thank goodness you got away, droopy!

Do you think it would have made a difference if you had posted back then, before you were engaged, and you had got these sort of replies? Do you think you would have not married him? Or that you might have dumped him?

Borninthe60s · 03/02/2016 23:02

No he isn't.

N3wYear2016 · 03/02/2016 23:02

Perhaps the man pays all the bills, but is bad at saving

Perhaps the woman is good at saving. Perhaps they are saving to buy a joint property

If you live in a small house it does not take much time to do the household chores

Perhaps they spend their spare time doing hobbies or courses to improve their future employment

Original poster

droopyflower · 03/02/2016 23:03

Yes I think so Jux, what is hard for me is looking back and realising how stupid I was for marrying him!

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2016 23:09

"As I've said I just wondered if this incident in isolation was indicative of control and red flags"

So why not ask that? Having given a reasonable amount of information. Instead of some carefully constructed sentences, which gave no real sense of the situation (then, the situation then) and so (eventually) led to all manner of confusing little drip feeds.

So the signs were there, but you missed them (don't we all), you married him anyway, you had child(ren) and you are no longer with him?

Is he still trying to control you?

OutWithTheDogs · 03/02/2016 23:10

You were stupid but at 22 it's surprisingly common. What's the situation now? Is he still obnoxious?

BTW I know you didn't mean to be irritating but the way you have written this thread is confusing and annoying.

GoringBit · 03/02/2016 23:58

BTW I know you didn't mean to be irritating but the way you have written this thread is confusing and annoying.

Sorry OP, but I agree; maybe you should start a new thread on the relationships board. If you're upfront from the start, you'll probably get some excellent support and advice, if you want it.

Crispbutty · 04/02/2016 00:26

OP, what do you do in the four hours when he is at work and you are at home? Im not saying that his expectation is right because it isnt. However the way it works in our house is, when one person gets home first they do the chores, and usually have dinner ready for the person who gets in late. Then we both sit down together in the evening and relax. This is regardless of who earns the most as our money just all goes in the one pot.

Equally here, if he only works 4 days, what does he do on the extra day off that he has when you are at work. He should be getting a bit done in the house too.

And lastly, if there are only two adults in the home, both out at work, how the heck can there be that much housework to do anyway

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2016 00:31

Have only skim-read the thread, but read all OP's posts.

"She has repeatedly offered to pay her way but her partner won't let her."
That to me is when the klaxons would have gone off, because it would indicate that he thought he had bought and paid for me. So yes, a very definite control issue.

Please OP, don't regard your younger self as stupid. What you were was fooled by a con-man - someone who promised you one thing (happy ever after) while fully intending a very different future for you. Normal people are rarely a match for such types. Until you have come across it personally you're not going to have the defences necessary, you're going to assume you're dealing with a normal person. And then, as the analogy goes, they turn the heat up slow enough for you to acclimatise to it, and then you are the frog that got boiled. The fault was not yours, it as his.

I hope you are in a better place now.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/02/2016 00:32

Very lucky escape.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/02/2016 00:34

Sorry.I am actually also confused. Did you actually marry him?

If so I would actually LTB on the strength of this. Very unhealtho relationship for you. I rarely say LTB on here too.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/02/2016 00:36

OK I reread and think you did leAve him.

Well done you is all I can say.

Crispbutty · 04/02/2016 00:37

"She has repeatedly offered to pay her way but her partner won't let her."

Thats a good point that I had missed. My ex (note EX) refused to let me pay anything towards the mortgage and insisted the house was in his sole name... sadly for him he wasnt as clever as he thought because we were married...

I also feel a bit torn now thinking more about my last post. I am luckily in a happy relationship now, but with the above ex he was a chauvinist pig who refused to do anything more than make himself a cup of tea, and would rather starve and live in a hovel than do "womens work".. and maybe the OPs partner is a similar type, in which case work out your options and make plans to leave because believe me, it never gets better. It took me 14 years before finally left, and that was quite a while after I had seen the light and he had become increasingly more violent, especially when he wasnt being waited upon.. (the first 3 years were fine... )

Out2pasture · 04/02/2016 00:50

here's the thing about division of labor it has to be a division...so fine for the woman to do indoor work if the fellow does outdoor stuff (cleans the gutters, mows the lawn, changes the car oil) but a women working ft, cleaning cooking and caring for children is not a fair division.

AntiHop · 04/02/2016 01:08

I am relieved to hear that you are no longer with him. You deserve better.

I've been with my partner for over a decade. I've always had a higher salary than him. At no point have I ever expected him to do more housework to compensate. We share the housework and have equal down time .

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 04/02/2016 01:13

reading the first bit of the thread I would have said he was not a keeper and there were red flags. however, I am not 22 and have an ex who was similar in some respects. so glad you left. sorry it had to get worse though.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 04/02/2016 07:18

She works thirteen hours less so should do the bulk, it won't take anywhere near that long each week if just the two of them. Weekend cooking should be split.

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