To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

Glad you're feeling less anxious Another. Make sure your DH knows you're fully entitled to vent to him about things - and he should either deal with them, or be a sympathetic ear - whatever you need.

FWIW I didn't used to like leaving DD with DH now I can't wait to get away, but I think it's not unusual to feel like that with your first, especially when they're so little.

Your DH is equal parent. He should be able to do everything, except breast feed, from day 1. Some men are simply not assertive enough- they can cope just as well as the mother ( if allowed to)
Relax- the baby will thrive with loving grandparents.

Glad you are feeling less anxious but I really think the fact you don't "allow" your DH to take your DS out alone is not normal and actually rather offensive to your DH - what would you feel for example if he told you you aren't allowed to take your DS without him? I don't think it is normal not to trust your DH - you trusted him enough to have a baby with him so there's clearly an issue now.

Exactly- how would you feel if DH wouldn't leave you alone with the baby and issued instructions about what to do?

I agree with another member. Boundaries yes, but list of rules at the beginning no. Good to have a lst to show your OH. So hopefully he can help put those boundaries in place. I can understand your thinking that, if there's a list you will not have the worry of implementing the boundaries as you go along to thier face but I still think this is the best solution. if you start of with a list it could make the atmosphere a tricky one. That way at a least you will only have to mention the ones that come up, the others may not surface. I feel for you I would find that set up stressful if expecting them to be a certain way. Boundary settign can be difficult at first but the more you do it better it becomes. You have boundaries, just need guts to implement as an when they happen. Hope your OH will be on board with them. They may take all of this in there stride, they will no doubt have their our boundaries and will apreciate you have your way of doign thngs. Try not to worry before they are here.

Omg you have my sympathy. My inlaws are also from a different country/culture & visit yearly for 6 weeks staying with us!!!

The first time my husband & I nearly reached divorce!!!

My inlaws are the complete opposite to yours in that they came BUT did not want to get involved with childcare at all. Did not interact with the grand children in anyway,
In an effort not to inconvenience us they always waited until after we ate as a family before they had theirs.
It was beyond frustrating!

Whilst I can see that you would want these "rules" adhered to (I do get them), how will you communicate them to his family, when they don't speak the language? It would be hard enough to spout all these rules out if they spoke English, without looking like an uptight person. Can't you just go with the flow?

I am intrigued as to what bad things op thinks will happen if pil or dh take ds out on their own. Surely pil raised at least one child without harming it and op chose to have children with dh so he I would assume she would trust him with ds.
I am seriously puzzled.
If pil are senile or very frail , I would understand immediately. Otherwise, a break is a wonderful thing and facing ones fears is supposed to help to conquer them.

I am just shocked that you don't allow your DH to take his own, six month old child out, on his own. .

You have serious control issues, I cannot understand your DH putting up with it - what would you do if he just decided to take the baby out for a walk in the push chair - would you forbid him, would you insist on going with them?

You are not doing your baby any favours, to be perfectly brutal, you could drop dead tomorrow and your baby would have to be looked after by his father and other loving relatives and friends.

You sound the absolute mummy martyr - it is actually very sad.

Op - how does your husband feel about people who invite family over and then disappear for three out of five weeks? I am betting that he doesnt think that behaviour is rude? Personally, i always think that if your half of the family is staying, you need to also be around.

DH has never taken him out alone, he has suggested it but I'm not ready

That really isn't fair OP.

Your DH is just as much your DC parent as you are.

It is not fair for you to not 'allow' him to take DC out without you. He has just as much right to do so as you do.

I am just shocked that you don't allow your DH to take his own, six month old child out, on his own. shock.

You have serious control issues, I cannot understand your DH putting up with it - what would you do if he just decided to take the baby out for a walk in the push chair - would you forbid him, would you insist on going with them?

I agree with Ragwort

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't let them stay at all.

My neighbours have his Mum living with them for long periods of time. She doesn't speak any English and is from a rural area of another country (we are in London). One day she locked herself out with the toddler (neighbour and wife were at work). We saw she was distressed so invited her in (communicating by miming) called him at work and managed to force the door to get her back in when it became apparent there was no spare key and it would take him a long time to get back.

Obviously this could happen to any guest but not being able to communicate is an issue if even quite small things go wrong.

I have various friends who have been expected to host overseas inlaws for weeks or even months while DH is mostly at work. I can't think of one single case where the DH was expected to host his inlaws in the absence of his wife. It is funny how we all minimise this. It is classic wifework.

I hope you all get on better than you are expecting to, anyway.

I haven't read all of the above posts, but I used to be a bit like this about my in-laws. In the end I realised that letting them do whatever they like with her (including carrying her in a sling, which makes me feel a bit sick tbh), means I get a load of free time. When they are staying, they don't want me around... ta da.... I go for long hair appointments, I go to exercise classes, to the pub ON MY OWN for a G&T and a book. If you'd said in advance that I'd be skipping out the minute they arrive, I'd have cried at you. Ha.

Please go and have a chat with your GPs about your anxieties. To be refusing to let your DH take his own child out without you really does suggest an extreme level of anxiety. You are not being fair to your DH or your DS.

suzannecaravagio:

What a nightmare
Why do they get to impose their cultural norms on you?
Why can't you live your own lives?

Because this is the UK in 2016 and we are all expected to adapt to others' cultural norms instead of the other way round.

For instance, did you know that, whilst Muslims make up 5% of the Uk population, the scheduling of public exams this year will be determined by the fact that the Islamic holy month of Ramadan runs through most of June:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35244444

We need to be proud of who we are and what we expect. We remain an attractive proposition in the world and, as such, we should be able to tell those that wish to come here what we expect of them....

I don't think YABU. The only bit that strikes me is that you don't let your DH take the baby out. Work on it, it is something you should get over, however anxious you are.

I was like you with my pfb, and still the same with my last, 10 years later (with exception of DH being involved in everything including taking baby out alone from the start).
MIL and my own mum never took babies out on their own. Their ideas of what is safe to do are a million miles from mine. Think hot sun and no hat or sunscreen, "babies need to scream to strengthen their lungs", "you ate everything at three months, your baby needs proper food (not breastmilk)".

My mum only babysat once, we ended the evening at A&E & hospital admission because she let our asthmatic baby son cry for hours until he was turning blue and stopped breathing.

Definitely put a lock on your bedroom door. It would drive me crazy to have no private space, no room to just retreat to with the secure knowledge no one will be able to intrude.
The rest of the flat will be crowded, you need a private place.

Put those boundaries in place, don't call them rules.

Good luck (you're a saint to agree to 5 weeks)!

For instance, did you know that, whilst Muslims make up 5% of the Uk population, the scheduling of public exams this year will be determined by the fact that the Islamic holy month of Ramadan runs through most of June

Have you noticed that we never have exams at Christmas, either? Or Easter? The religious pandering is frankly unbelievable.

GunningforISIS you are a bigot.
HTH

Have you noticed that we never have exams at Christmas, either? Or Easter? The religious pandering is frankly unbelievable.

JassyRadlett Why would one have end-of-year exams during the academic year? Or was that yet another uber-lefty-liberal attempt to defend the farce that is modern British multiculturalism?

Your pathetic effort to counter my argument reinforces it, so thank you.

Iggi999

Grateful for your help, naturally but...why am I a bigot?

.

GunningforISIS

1/10 for that trolling attempt. Shoehorning of subject matter was far too unsubtle.

My elderly father in law who is from a different culture and doesn't speak English came to stay for 3 weeks when my son was tiny. It was so wonderful we were all sobbing when he left!! He walked for hours every day with the baby in the pram and I could sleep or have time to myself, he spoiled us with lots of lovely food, he made us much less anxious as he had much more experience with babies than us and we just enjoyed having him around to share the experience and had lots of fun. It really doesn't have to be an ordeal.
Having said that my mother in law also came on her own and that was a disaster. I hope you have the first experience and not the second!