To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

I can sympathise as have in laws in a different country also. Afraid you are in my opinion being, maybe not unreasonable, but definitely unwelcoming! Don't give a list of rules they'll think you're nuts.
They will realise about your need for privacy in terms of using bathroom I don't think you need to worry about that.
Let them join in as much as possible with their grandchild, they'll cherish the time and you might find you enjoy having them doting on them too. I'm sure they'll have no desire to do everything with you and little one, you can still do your groups etc just meet for a coffee after.
Regards the breakfast thing, you've just gotta suck that up surely, eat with them, your hubs is right.

Can your DH not take your DS out with them even for half an hour or so?

Oh and get your dh to help with bed time, his job can be to keep his parents entertained and out of bedroom. I remember my MIL sitting with me while I tried to settle my DD who was about 6 months, MIL didn't do anything wrong but being observed was hideous. I get that.

Set out the rules regarding your privacy in the bedroom, get that lock then go with the flow from then on. Try to give in on some of the minor issues regarding the care of your son - bathing son (at first with supervision), taking out for short walks, feeding etc. Grit your teeth and let them get on with it but stand your ground when they try to take over. No way would I allow someone to reorganise my cupboards.

"sorry but this is the way i like to do things" would be my oft repeated mantra.
"I don't mind you doing... as long as you..." would be another.

In other words pick your battles. Don't be a pushover but accept that they want to spend time with, and do things for their grandson.

So you don't trust your baby's father to take him for a walk without you either? I really do think you need to compromise on this one

DH has said his mum will 'want to run our household'

Sorry, I don't care whether the woman is from Spain, Saudi or Scunthorpe (other locations beginning with S are available), that gets a HELL no from me for a start-off. I'm all for respecting culture and difference and working with it to create peace, harmony and a garden of wildflowers but that works both ways. The OP has been explicitly told by her DH that HIS MOTHER wants to run their household. The OP's cultural preferences also need to be respected, particularly in her home.

I'm Irish, DH is English and we are from entirely different backgrounds. The cultural differences in our histories are huge. This isn't just a case of family differences, it's a case of fundamentals. There are things that my MIL believes, and does, that I believe to be a bit irritating and weird at best and fundamentally wrong at worst. But I would NEVER choose to impose my norms in her home and even with the extreme passive aggressiveness I experienced over Christmas I avoid her doing it in my home either.

OP, the one sign of hope is that your DH described it as "our" household. You need to have a REALLY big conversation with him about what that means and he needs to talk to his parents about meeting in the middle and some of the conventions that they consider normal but that make you uncomfortable. You do need to bend a bit too - The bath thing is silly - particularly if you're in the flat. Getting them used to the area and then letting them take your DS out to the park or something would be totally normal.

The rules you've come with sound a bit patronising and frankly, don't deal with the issue at hand.

This is a dreadful thread. Just goes to show what family really means to some of you.

Some of your points are reasonable, I am sure that they will not want to walk in your bedroom to see you naked or disturb your sleep. Same for some of your other points, I think your points 1, 2, 3, 4 and 7 are reasonable.

Point 1, why don't you wait and see? Not the first week, but maybe week 3-4 they could take your baby for a short stroll in the pushchair (my MIL did this for me and it was an absolute blessing to have a proper bath or a nice cuppa on my own).

Just give them a time when they can have access to your bathroom, maybe between 9 and 10 am or whatever, I am sure there is a nice and polite way to sort this one out.

Invite them to some of the baby classes not all that's fine!

Is there a way that they can be part of the bedtime routine, for example looking at picture books before bath with them? Give them a specific role and you will still be in control, but they will feel a little bit part of it.

TBH op, you sound like you are have having anxiety issues. Not letting your baby out of yoursight for a second? What would you do if you had two DCs? Do you let your DH look after the baby/ are you sure that you are OK? I am not sure this is part of being unreasonable, but of you have serious control issues, and deep fears about not having your baby with you every second of the day, maybe you should talk to a medical professional about it?

Good update, Another :) Here's to your sanity!

I think the trouble is that these people aren't the op's family, they are her husband's family who she has rarely seen and he plans to go to work and leave his wife to them most of the time having TOLD his wife that his mother intends to run the house and TOLD his wife she must eat breakfast with them every morning.
The husband isn't making this sound like a friendly visit from laid back helpful people who will be easy to get on with.

The reason poster are seeming to go off on a slight tangent about anxiety is because not feeling comfortable even with your DH having the baby for a period of time is not particularly healthy. Of course bf babies need to be close to their mum for a lot longer and a lot more time than ff babies, but still. Separate from that, though, if someone cannot cope with their 6mo baby being out with their partner, that's surely a sign that either the dad is a fuckwit - or there are anxiety issues.

And anxiety issues are only going to exacerbate the quite natural concerns about how to manage in a small space with IL's for over a month.

They seem quite linked together.

It's interesting that some posters are taking the thread so personally. Surely it's not that surprising that someone doesn't want to share very close quarters for five weeks with PILs with whom she doesn't share a language and who have possibly quite different cultural norms for visitor behaviour and/or childcare? Or that she doesn't entirely trust them with a small baby?

I'm very fond of both my PILs and parents, who live in our home country, and I would never countenance a five-week visit. Also, despite sharing a language and cultural norms, there are absolutely situations in which I did not trust them with my son when he was a baby, despite not being at all overprotective.

In theory you are not being unreasonable OP but as others have pointed out, a list of rules will not be well-received. The best you can do is make arrangements ahead of time to protect some space and autonomy for yourself.

Five weeks sounds like an absolute nightmare; I would go mad!

Let them use the low-level shower. Can you add a hand-held spray attachment or something so that it's more convenient to get at various parts of the body? Or they can bathe. Or can the spray be augmented/repaired before they come? It would be worth the money.

Make sure there is a lock/hook inside your bedroom door so you can retreat there for a nap with the baby when you feel overwhelmed. Fall back on "doctor's orders" as needed if they protest.

Make it clear from Day One that breakfasts are "on one's own"

Do not feel obliged to take them to the yoga or swimming classes. Those are your retreats.

Enlist friends or family to come over at certain times to provide a "buffer" if tension is building, or to meet you out so you can vent.

Don't worry about thing like rearranging kitchen etc. - very annoying, yes, but will keep MIL occupied and your DH can put it back when they leave. Take photos now of how you want it returned to order.

The bathing the baby and nighttime routines will sort themselves out. I understand your protective feelings but babies have done fine in multi-generation homes for millenia. Pick your battles.

I would be going to the GP and asking for diazepam, seriously (can you take it while breastfeeding?) in case you are driven to the edge by the close quarters. I wouldn't want my own parents to be under foot for five weeks let alone near-strangers whose language I do not understand. Good luck!

Oh, and here's an informed discussion on psych meds while breastfeeding.

Hi Op,

A few things:

You don't sound over anxious, I was the same. PIL are in their seventies and just do not have the same reaction to a baby as me. Don't compromise on this one. Your baby, your rules.

I would let MIL do all the housekeeping: this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I hate housekeeping.

No PIL at swimming/baby yoga.

PIL bathing baby? NO fucking way. They simply do not have the reflexes!

Do whatever you like for breakfast.

Go out on your own with baby. You will need time to yourself.

Shower times - yes. Implement.

They can see/hold/play with baby when you are there.

No mini -break. Maybe THEY can take a mini break of their own? They are from abroad, not another fucking planet, they can figure it out. Tell them to go to Stratford/London/Home Counties wherever local attractions are.

FWIW I married a guy from 'another culture' and it is normal they PIL come and stay. But you need to have rules, just like they have rules when we go stay at theirs.

Good luck for 5 weeks though - 3 days is usually enough for me! maybe you can have a mini break with DS all on your own for a few nights in a hotel

I'll think about bedroom lock though I imagine DH will say it's rude to 'lock them out'

Fuck him. How would he like it if he was napping, or sitting breastfeeding (humour me ) and your parents wandered in to use the en suite?

Seriously, if he wants them there, he's got to do the lion's share of entertaining them and giving YOU a break.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. I would implement all those rules too. We would last about a week and then explode with so many people in a flat that size.

1, 5, 6, 7 and (especially) 8 are U. 2, 3 and 4 are fair enough. As others have said, don't call them "rules" just ASK if it's ok and they'll do it (if not you can start laying down the law).

I'm glad you came back, OP. You do actually sound much more reasonable than some other posters have feared.

I do hope the visit isn't too stressful for you.

I think I do understand how you feel, my (English) MIL used to come for about 1 week at a time and with DC1 I found even that very hard because she did seem as if she wanted to take over my house and baby. But looking back now I realise that that was just the sort of norm for the culture she grew up in and that she genuinely enjoyed doing all the things I disliked, such as housework. She was very bored if not able to do it. Instead of getting myself worked up about her I really should have just let it happen and enjoyed the break. it was easier with DC2.

It's not "rude to lock them out."

Your DH needs to acknowledge that your feelings, opinions and culture are just as important in this scenario as his and his parents'. It's not a one-way street.

No fucking way are you being unreasonable. 5 weeks? In a 2 bed flat? While your DH isn't available for 3 weeks of it? Bloody heck.

I agree with you on everything. No to them bathing baby alone, no to taking baby out alone. And as for that comment from your DH on the sippy cup - that really annoyed me. You bf on demand, so if you want to be there, you be there. Keep in mind too that your DS does not even know these people so may scream and cry when he sees them.

No to PILs coming to baby classes - those are for moms and babies (or dads and babies), not a spectator event for extended family. It'll make everybody else there uncomfortable.

Your bedroom and ensuite is to be off limits. I wouldn't allow anybody use my ensuite either when there's a perfectly good main bathroom available. If they want to stay with your for 5 weeks in a small flat so that they can save a few bob then they can use the low level shower, that's the facilities available and if they don't like it then they can book into a hotel or B&B. As for your DH saying it's rude to not let them into your bedroom - wtf? What planet is he on? That really pisses me off. You tell him that it is YOUR bedroom as much as it is his and therefore if you are not happy with them coming into your private space then that is your decision, not his. And no knocking on the door either - what if you've just gotten DS off to sleep and then they knock and wake him up?

And all this anxiety is normal - some people are just very lax about things like this and don't care. Others it would bother them. So yes, tell your DH the rules. Oh and as for MIL running the household, hugely disrespectful to you. No she cannot rearrange everything and take over.

Can you book yourself and DS a 2 week break somewhere that accidentally happens to coincide with this?

Oh and try Baby Led Weaning rather than traditional (ie spoon feeding) weaning. It's ideal when you're bf'ing. You just let baby help themselves to appropriate foods once they show the signs they are ready (read the book by Gill Rapley).

I'm Irish, DH is English and we are from entirely different backgrounds. The cultural differences in our histories are huge. This isn't just a case of family differences, it's a case of fundamentals.

Ain't that the truth, middlings? In many ways, the two could not be more different.

Another, I'm not wild about the way in which your DH is appearing in this discussion. He sound dogmatic and insensitive to the needs of someone who is going to have to deal far more with his DPs than he is for five weeks. Is he really so insistent that you fit into his family's cultural norms, without being prepared to make some compromises so you don't feel too invaded? What is he going to ask his parents to make compromises on for the sake of your happiness during this visit?

Stand up showers are a fairly recent invention so it seems odd and unlikely to have a culture where baths are considered unhygenic as until the 1950s showers were rare and the stand up shower was only invented in 1810 so someone is telling porkies about their "need" for a shower being cultural not just personal preference.

Frankly, I pity your DH and in laws. You sound utterly pfb and a teensy bit self obsessed. Hopefully, you'll look back at this thread and laugh at yourself.

However, although I can barely bring myself to admit it, I do see your point on number 7.

Bullocks to showering being modern. How bloody ignorant are people on here nowadays? A shower or a simple tap is how most the world clean themselves.