To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

JassyRadlett Why would one have end-of-year exams during the academic year? Or was that yet another uber-lefty-liberal attempt to defend the farce that is modern British multiculturalism?

You've helped me make my point quite nicely. Ta.

Mind you, I don't necessarily see the harm in avoiding having exams when it's known a group of students won't be at their best.

Mind you, I don't necessarily see the harm in avoiding having exams when it's known a group of students won't be at their best.

And when that group represents a mere 5% of the population?

Does that not make a difference?

You like the excitement that comes with this novelty, don't you?

Which novelty? You've lost me, I'm afraid.

(You may want to check your figures by the way - looking at the proportion of young people who are Muslim is less, er, misleading.)

Please go and have a chat with your GPs about your anxieties. To be refusing to let your DH take his own child out without you really does suggest an extreme level of anxiety. You are not being fair to your DH or your DS.

I agree

My figures were wrong in which direction?

Too high or too low?

This kind of novelty: www.breitbart.com/london/2016/02/01/german-mayor-young-girls-should-avoid-migrant-areas-of-town-but-german-men-just-as-bad/

I'm still confused what sort of novelty you think I'm enjoying. Mind, I'm an immigrant, you're all quite novel to me. Particularly frothing posts about scheduling exams at a time convenient for most students. I had no idea that would be blood pressure raising, but I learn something new about this country every day.

Will stop hijacking the thread now - meanwhile, increase your numbers a bit to get the number of Muslim kids in the country. Or, you know, research:

I still don't know how many Muslims there are in the UK; I got my figures from recent news stories:

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/12132641/Number-of-UK-Muslims-exceeds-three-million-for-first-time.html

tribune.com.pk/story/1037400/muslim-population-in-uk-tops-3-million-for-the-first-time/

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/6898434/Muslims-in-UK-top-3m-for-first-time-and-50-are-foreign-born.html

What I do know is that they should adapt to us, not the other way round.

Gunning
Stop derailing this thread to spout your bile. We have no idea where the OP's in laws are from and so your posts are irrelevant and bigoted. This isn't your thread and you are making no attempt to help the OP.

I hope their visit goes smoothly for all of you.

You mentioned earlier in the thread about not knowing if there were any anxiety medications that can be taken when breastfeeding. If it is useful to you, the Breastfeeding network have an information sheet about anxiety and breastfeeding .

We need to be proud of who we are and what we expect. We remain an attractive proposition in the world and, as such, we should be able to tell those that wish to come here what we expect of them

So is this your idea of the British way to welcome friends and family?

One thing is to ask people who move to the UK to adapt, but you cannot ask one's guests to adapt to completely strange culture that they have not to first clue about.

GunningforISIS Do you ever take foreign holidays and if you do, do you automatically act like a native?

I think GunningforISIS trotted over here after the Daily Fail comments section got too boring.

I really wouldn't bother trying to engage GunningforISIS. It'll only encourage him / her.

(Maybe start your own racist thread GunningforISIS, then we can all be amused by your poor attempts at trolling comments away from this poor OP who has a dilemma about her in laws!)

I am quite horrified that after reading 10 pages of responses only two people have acknowledged the fact this tiny 6 month old baby HAS NEVER MET THESE PEOPLE. Yes they are his grandparents, but to him they are total strangers. I do not think yabu at all op. And as a breastfed on demand child it could be detrimental to both child and mother to be separated.
Personal space is a whole other issue and think a pp suggestion of a do not disturb sign may be more helpful than a lock, particularly if you get DH to print it in their language and yours so it looks like it is there for everyone not just them.

Squigglepants - totally agree. They may be the child's GPs but they are complete strangers to the OP's baby and the OP has only met them once. No way would I be comfortable with them having the baby unsupervised until I knew them better.

I think it's a good idea to have some ... suggestions of how to make the visit go smoothly... (aka rules) Your baby, your sayso. Your bedroom, so they knock/arrange in advance before entering. I agree about not taking baby out alone. As a 50 something I struggled in a foreign country walking kids a to b. I agree that sorting out a rota for using shower 'so we don't get in each others way'. Think of what you want, and how to present it so it skews towards it being easier for them. MIL, please will you help me in the kitchen, please will you make some of dh fav meals. MIL, would you like to 'help' me bath ds - so you're always there as a safe pair of eyes.

DH says in his culture it's normal for family to stay for few months to help with baby, female relatives take over running of household, personal space is unimportant, everything is shared

Its very true that in some cultures this happens and I happen to have personal experience of it as a DIL, Mum, and MIL. But I think the bit your husband is forgetting is that at 6 months down the line the family would generally be long since gone as this tradition is in place to see the mum over the first 6 weeks, or 40 days after the birth of her baby. And the women don't actually take over the house, they just do everything to ensure that mum and her baby have a good start, that mum is able to rest, that she's given good food, that she's able to get her breast feeding going, that she can bond, she may even be given a massage every day, its anything really that facilitates mum getting over her pregnancy, her delivery, and helps her onto a good start. Its the same for baby. Everything is also done to ensure a good start for the little one.

As for giving the guests the best of everything? Yes this is true but in my mind its the same everywhere in the world and I would put money on his parents being happy to just be there with all of you and not much else mattering.

I think if you can go back and read the excellent advice from Slithystove this visit could be something that strengthens the bond between you and your husband in your cross cultural marriage.

It needn't be scary. Honestly.

I do not think yabu at all op. And as a breastfed on demand child it could be detrimental to both child and mother to be separated.

Do you think that it ok that fir 6 months the OP has NEVER let her DH take his own DC our alone as she won't 'allow' it?

Haven't rtft but wanted to say... We only had a low level shower in our place, which is rented. So I bought a longer flexible pipe for the shower, superglued a shower head holder to the wall at an appropriate height and put in an extendable rid and curtain - hey presto, one full height shower.

That would bypass the whole bedroom / interrupting thing.

I think a lot of your rules are U tbh. My feeling was that while I'm the only person that can bf my babies, other (kind and careful) people can do everything else. I'd have gone demented not allowing my family and DHs to help out - especially with the domestic / baby watching / walking stuff.

I think your points are more or less reasonable (but quite pfb!!) but it's just the way you say it! Seems very confrontational, bordering aggressive.

I'm sure you could have a nice chat and in a friendly way outline your boundaries without making them feel like unwanted intruders about to abduct and harm your baby!

Your DC, your choice. Don't leave your child with someone you are not happy with to placate someone else

Yes well its also all her husbands DC and he's one of the people shes refusing to leave him alone with!

The anxiousness about "trusting" others with your PFB is natural. It passes. It's just the crazy hormones so try to sympathise with the OP a bit on that. I remember feeling that way about my DH too and now I look at him being so amazing with our toddler and I realise what a nut job I must have been.

I think the only bit yabu about is leaving the stay for five weeks! I would be telling dh straight that it's not happening especially if he's working.

I appreciate they are from a different culture but that doesn't mean you have to go along with their cultural traditions. Your mil already has plans to come and take over so you can see how this is going to end.

I have had some issues with my il's who have a problem with the fact that I won't wake my dc or keep them awake past their bed time for them to visit.

Nobody except me and dh has bathed or done the bedtime routine with our dc, I didn't think this was odd?

I understand why you don't want them to take your dc out for a walk, maybe you'll change your mind on this maybe not but its your decision.

I don't hold with the view that it takes a family to raise a child or that grandparents have a right to time alone with dc. They are my children and I will do things my way.

I wouldn't list off the rules just mention it as things arise.

But I think the bit your husband is forgetting is that at 6 months down the line the family would generally be long since gone as this tradition is in place to see the mum over the first 6 weeks, or 40 days after the birth of her baby.

I think if you were to go back and actually read the OP you will find that the OP has been deliberately trying to put this visit off. I suspect that her OH would have been happy to have had his DPs to stay much earlier

Some grandparents think that just because their kids didn't drown 40 years ago when they left them in baths that no child will ever drown and will not listen to you when you ask them to supervise at all times.

Where on earth do you get this from? My DCs are in their 30s so I can't be entirely sure that what you say didn't apply 40 years ago, but I can assure you that neither I, nor any of my contemporaries, would have dreamed of leaving our children alone in the bath. And very certainly not a 6 month old.

You lot can be bloody insulting when you try, can't you?

And as a breastfed on demand child it could be detrimental to both child and mother to be separated.

Not even for half an hour, just after a feed, for a little toddle round the block? Do be a bit less dramatic...