To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

I hear you. My ILs are lovely and we have 3 bedrooms (and 2 DC who are older) but their ideas about privacy and space are just different in the culture they are from. Mine are coming for 4 weeks. Staying elsewhere is unthinkable - just Not Done.
But I think rolling out these preferences one by one would work better than "rules" - I think framing this as "rules" isn't going to go well.
I'd pick a few of those that you can't bear breaking (I'm thinking the baths and the mini-break). The mini-break, is potentially very difficult as you may be in the position of trying to keep everyone happy when their needs are logically inconsistent eg if the baby needs something that doesn't fit with what the ILs want. If your DH can take on that mediating role it might be fine, especially if you have different rooms in the hotel from your ILs. Can you drive instead of being ill in the back? If you're going to have to sit feeling ill for hours surely that's a no go and no one would want that?
Personally I'd relax about (1). Make sure, if they are from somewhere where traffic's on the right, that you remind them to look over the other shoulder before stepping out esp if they are with your baby (friend of a friend died visiting the UK looking towards the wrong side!). For (2) - you'll know when they've had a shower and maybe you can make it clear that other than that, the bedroom is where you'll go when you want to be alone. Get a little hook lock thingy for the bedroom door just to give yourself the calm that you won't be walked in one while changing / breasts out? Or ask each time you retreat to the bedroom whether they'll need a shower in the next 2 hours. For (3) just be completely straightforward on this one, or get your DH to. Same as (4) - you're meeting a friend with your babies and having a day out, whatever. (5) - DD1 was hard to settle but actually harder for me and DH than for her childminder -- let them give it a try if they are very very keen, but it's unlikely they will be .. right..? At least you can sit down with a cup of tea if they take that on every now and again, and a real win if it works. (6) if you don't trust them not to leave your baby unattended in the bath, don't let them, not worth it. I would just be very straightforward and say you prefer to do this yourself. Repeat as needed, politely. (8) I'm sure my ILs wouldn't notice if I had a shower and got dressed after BFing before coming for breakfast .. they are very relaxed about time so the extra 15 minutes wouldn't matter. Just do it. who'd tell you not to shower, if the shower's free and the baby's fed?
Good luck with it anyway.
My ILs make awesome food when they visit. Looking forward to it :) but we've had some of the space/privacy issues in the past too so I know where you're coming from.

Staying elsewhere is unthinkable - just Not Done.

Time to change that then isn't it?

If you don't, then you'll always get what you've always had.

I don't understand the point of adults leaving home, getting a job, their own place, their own independence and their own families...just to have other adults come along and tell them what to do.

You might as well have stayed with Mum and Dad.

5 weeks! Bloody hell that's ridiculous, and in a 2 bed flat!!! And DH is working for 3 of those weeks? I would look on airbnb to see if there is anything suitable locally and if you find something particularly lovely (and reasonably priced), you could show DH, email through to the PILs and describe the advantages of having their own space, good shower facilities etc. Or have it up your sleeve for when they're here and it all starts to get very tense and claustrophobic - that'll be around day 2...

I don't think any of the rules are unreasonable. Where you will have difficulty is communicating them without causing tension.

I think you are a hero. 5 weeks I could not do 5 days

Re taking DS out without me, I just feel so anxious at thought of it! He is BF but DH says he'll be able to have breastmilk in sippy-cup by then (fussy with bottles). They are in their 70s. I am very careful crossing roads, avoiding places with loose dogs etc. I can't trust them to be as careful as me. And there is language barrier so if something happened or they were late back I wouldn't be able to phone them. And I usually use baby-carrier as DS is prone to screaming in buggy (end up carrying him while pushing buggy).

Sorry but you sound a bit neurotic.

I don't think you sound like you could cope well with guests for 5 weeks. Can't they stay somewhere else?

But if they're mannerly guests they won't encroach on your personal space and time unless they can't help it?

Well, I think you'll have to find a middle ground here... Could you ask your DH to explain to them that you all are coming from different cultures? Making it clear that it's no one's fault, but they come from a place where things are done in a way, and you are in a place where things are done in a different way.

They are older, so you have to cut them some slack. You're a first time anxious mum, so they have to cut you some slack. You all have to make an effort. (in fact, I think I would write down this last paragraph, translate it to their language and hang it on the wall!).

Pick your battles. Choose one or two rules (for example, not entering the bedroom without asking first and never when the baby is sleeping) - and let go the others.

If you were spending 5 weeks in centre parcs with them, in different accommodation, then boundaries would suffice. Five weeks confined like this needs rules, a gumshield, a tin helmet and a cattle prod.
YADNBU

YANBU
5 weeks needs rules. Yours sound OK to me.

I sympathize, OP. I was a very anxious pfb mum. Luckily, my ILs are not very fond of babies anyway, so they just accepted my (many) boundaries...

i I am very careful crossing roads, avoiding places with loose dogs etc. I can't trust them to be as careful as me.

And yet somehow, by some miracle, their son appears to have survived to adulthood.

YABU to not trust them to take the baby out or give it a bath. As to the rest of your rules, just book them into an Air bnb and tell your husband that's the way it is.

I think you're suggesting reasonable boundaries, but that as PP say, if you present it as a list of rules it will come across as very controlling. Although the fact that your MIL has already said she will take over the kitchen and run your household would have me not giving a shiny shit about appearing controlling, TBH!

In terms of your rules:

1. totally understandable, presumably they haven't spent much time with DS and he's doesn't know them yet. I wou don't say anything at first but I would say no initially if they ask, explaining that he's BF and he doesn't know them yet. By the end of the 5 weeks you may trust them to take him out for a walk or something.

2. I would just ask them to use the low level shower or bath in the bathroom, and say your room is off limits. Otherwise it blurs the lines a bit I think. You're not a hotel, you don't need to provide perfect accommodation.

3. perfectly reasonable, I'd say that at the start

4. also perfectly reasonable, just tell them you have plans for the day and you'll see them at dinner

5. re bedtime I would let them read him a story or something downstairs, maybe let them play with him for he half hour before bed (or whatever) then just take him up and do bedtime. If they ask to join you politely say no, it's distracting and you will make this hard work for me.

6. Bathtime I would just not give them the opportunity, if they ask directly I would agree but then sit in the bathroom with them. They can't make you leave, it's your house.

7. Hire a second car? Or you sit in the front? Why would you have to go in the back? It's going to be a horrible squash in the back of most cars with two adults and a car seat anyway, not much fun.

8. just do exactly what you want at breakfast time. Again, it's your house, they can't stop you. And if someone questions it just say you need to do your own thing in the mornings. Unless you're literally blanking them it's not rude.

Good luck!

5 weeks! Nightmare! I couldn't hack that.

Fair enough to have rules about privacy in your bedroom. I think once they are here you'll be more relaxed about the rules for the baby. Please don't give them rules as soon as they arrive. They will be so excited and desperate to see their gc. Play it by ear once you see how they are with him - give them advice if they need it.

Please look into a b and b at least for a few weeks. This will be a massive strain on everyone.

I agree with DickDewy that it doesn't sound as though you will cope with them for 5 weeks.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable but I am not sure that you sound able to be more reasonable.

DH has said his mum will 'want to run our household'

Then they would stay in a rental or a nearby b&b i'm afraid. Conflict is inevitable otherwise.

It would be with anyone expecting to come in and ''run'' my house! You are going to have to be firm OP. DH would not have the last word on this as he is not the one going to be at home.

We have family that stay with us often (we don't live in UK, so we are the accommodation for everyone's cheap holiday ), sometimes up to 3 months at a time. Ok we aren't all in a small flat, but the visiting guests are still here in my home.

Your list seems unreasonable. It comes across as if you don't want them there at all. This is their grandchild and you are already not allowing them to do things with him. After their 5 week visit, they will go home and not see him again for how ever long. They are probably thinking that they will come to help you a bit, take over some chores and let you relax a bit, and meet (and spend some time) with their new grandson.

I think that it is rude to suggest that you go and book somewhere else for them to stay. You say they are not from the UK, things are done differently in other parts of the world, family stay with family, no other options are considered. I think the culture must be taken into consideration as well.

IF you were invited to theirs for a month and you were handed a list of rules on your first day, how would you feel?

Just say that if your door is closed, you are resting, feeding, bathing etc and to please not disturb. BUT please allow them some time with your son.

This. If you are prepared to have them as guests (and you do get to say no), then you need to be hospitable. That doesn't mean you have to let them take over, esp with ds.

With certain things, you can play it by ear. Instead of saying "You can't X, Y Z" why not wait until they are here and see how you feel (you may change your mind over things like bathing or taking out once you see them with ds - it doesn't have to be more than half an hour at a time). Other things like bedtime, just be very clear from the outset.

Def start with the expectation that both you and they will spend time apaRT THOUGH. Maybe your dh could take them on a minibreak leaving you at home for a few days to rest.

Put a bolt on your bedroom door? If you're breastfeeding / napping yourself that'll be useful.
I would really sort the other shower out and make it usable.
Can you just buy a longer shower tube and a thing to fix it up higher? Showers are not difficult to fix up. Ditto shower curtains! Good luck with the visit, let mil cook for you, why not?

You're definitely not being unreasonable about them having a set time for a shower, there is no way I would want people walking through my bedroom whenever they felt like it. I would probably say that if the bedroom door is shut, they can't go in.

I also don't think you're being unreasonable about the car journey. I get car sick in the back and the unwritten rule is that I sit in the front regardless of who the other passengers are.

Five weeks is too long for anybody. It's insane. I love my in-laws, we love having them to stay, they are respectful of space and we live in a four bedroomed house but after five weeks I'd have completely lost the plot. In a two bed place I think I'd have lost it after a week. They need to stay somewhere else for everybody's sanity!

BUT you must try and face your anxiety about others taking the baby for walks or giving him a bath. I breastfed all three of mine for a year+ and their grandparents went out for walks / to the park / to restaurants without us from pretty much month one. But I know my in-laws well and they speak English so I can see your situation is different. However, your husband is key here and he needs to support and help. He might not always agree with you but it's important he's always on your side.

They need to stay elsewhere. You do sound a bit paranoid but that's obviously due to anxiety which having suffered with myself I can completely understand. If you start it now you'll be subject to these long stays permanently. Plus if my dh told me his mother would be running my household I'd be firmly telling him that she wouldn't!

5 weeks is somewhat overstaying a welcome, but same as uptown - 1,2,5,6,7,8 are unreasonable. 3 & 4 are fine.

Could be the thin end of the wedge

As the name of your thread suggests, you already seem to know that your 'rules' are on the controlling side, but you are right to set some boundaries. Just as you need to understand and respect your PILs culture, they have to understand and respect yours.

The idea of putting a little hook latch on the bedroom door is a good one. It is unobtrusive, easily removed and will help relieve some tension and anxiety for you.

The not letting them take him out alone rule seems a little hard - grandparents and grandchildren can have an incredibly strong bond and it will harder for them to form that link if they can never have alone time. Ditto to you always doing bedtime and baths. Rather than you making 'rules' about these just allow them to accompany you and observe the first few times and then let them get more hands on gradually. Hopefully DH can explain that you want DS to get to know them in a tactful way! It will also allow you to assess whether they are genuinely dangerous on the streets or if this is your anxiety taking over.

Remember they might well do things slightly differently to you, but different isn't necessarily worse (something I was very slow to learn when I was a new mum).

DS is at a good age to begin learning that Mum will not always be instantly available 24/7, but will always return to him. That is vital for growing up securely attached - the greatest gift you can give your child. That he will be able to experience this with loving grandparents around him rather than paid carers is wonderful for him.

Good luck with the visit, I am sure it will have sticky moments but hopefully it will also have some happy moments and memories for all of you.

MN seems to be hooching with women married to men from other cultures, who insist their parents come for lengthy stays in cramped accommodation and the wife/mother of newborn entertains said parents while man goes to work.

I always wonder why a) the wives accept this and b) why the 'other culture' is always the more sexist one ie women fighting over the kitchen, wife expected to host in laws solo.