To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

I can't imagine having anyone else (let alone in laws) staying with my family for 5 weeks. I understand that your PIL are from a different culture so it's quite right that you are taking this into account but surely they also need to accept that they also need to make allowances for your culture? (ie that you won't want your MIL to take over and that you want time alone with your DS).

I don't think that anything you are asking for is totally unreasonable but I fear that putting this to your PIL as a set of 'rules' will make things difficult. However, having had 'help' from my parents and PIL when I had a newborn I think that discussing boundaries with them (and DH) beforehand would have saved me a lot of upset and quite a lot of arguments with DH.

I know that there is a language issue but could DH explain to his parents that you are looking forward to them visiting but are worried about limited space etc and how to make sure everyone gets the best from the visit. As well as raising the issues that you are concerned about he could ask them if there's anything they'd like from you (eg do they want time to themselves sometimes, certain foods bought in for them etc) so it looks less like a set of rules.

One thing I've also learned is that my parents and PIL will take over no matter how much they say they won't. The trick is to give them something to take over (that is not that important to me). Could you use this idea? Perhaps rather than banning the PIL from getting involved in bath time could you keep them busy with other things at that time? Maybe you could make a big deal of what a good cook you've heard MIL is and how amazingly helpful it would be if she could take over cooking duties whilst she's there (assuming you're comfortable with this, whilst she's busy in the kitchen you could bath DS, go to an activity, have a rest etc).

Hope some of this is helpful- and good luck!

Maizie, do acknowledge that there are people about who have exactly this attitude about baths etc. (I raised 3 children and nothing happened- you are fine, aren't you?)

My mum is one of them. I have only once left one of my dc in her care and it ended in disaster because she always knows best and ignores "the rules". I never had an apology either, because she doesn't get things wrong ever.

OP doesn't know her in-laws. I think it is not OTT to be careful.

As they're staying for 5 whole weeks could you not make an effort to bond with your MIL (and allow her to bond with her GC) by inviting her into the bathroom to observe you bathing your child? Then over time let her handle him with you supervising and if you're comfortable, eventually if she feels comfortable too she could do a whole bath for you - don't knock a gift horse in the mouth, you might really appreciate that help.

Same for bedtime. I was very adamant that only I could feed my baby to sleep but I remember once at my MIL's house taking hours to settle him and I was so tired and just wanted to sleep myself. She took him for a cuddle, he fell asleep on her shoulder and she tucked him in to his Moses basket after I'd conked out. I was so so grateful for her stepping in,

I think if you were to go back and actually read the OP you will find that the OP has been deliberately trying to put this visit off. I suspect that her OH would have been happy to have had his DPs to stay much earlier

Im not sure what you're getting at but I hope you feel better for it anyway.

I don't think it is unreasonable that they do not come in while you are feeding or to shower without asking.

Oh you poor thing! This would be an utter and total nightmare for me.

I had my MIL stay every bloody holiday and even with no cultural differences and a big house, it was intrusive, nice as she was. There is no way on earth I would be allowing people to come and go into my bedroom, no way, and as for re-organising my kitchen? Dear God woman, you must be a saint.

I sincerely hope that you have no cause to worry. If it was me staying in someone elses home then I would be most concerned not to overstep the mark and there would be no way I would be wandering in and out of bedrooms or bathrooms without asking first. I wish you all the luck in the world.

"I don't hold with the view that it takes a family to raise a child"

I'm not quarrelling with you, Hippahippahey, but in my case, I am extremely grateful to my PILs' assistance while my dd was growing up and I think their help actually stopped her from going off the rails. Just knowing that she was loved by so many people was a great help, but it went much further than that.

I don't hold with the view that it takes a family to raise a child or that grandparents have a right to time alone with dc

Im glad in my family, both when I was young and also with my own children time with GPs was based on love and affection between us all rather than "rights".

atenco that's great, I had a great relationship with my grandparents but they never imposed on my mother and knew where the boundaries were.

laguna as I just mentioned I had a great relationship with my grandparents and I would have loved my dc to have that. I just don't like this insistence that many grandparents have that they must have or have a right to, time alone with dc when their babies.

With regards to the "rules" I think having boundaries /expectations discussed in advance is a good thing. Especially as they're staying for a long time.

The leaving the baby with DH - I can see how this happens tbh. The first few days/weeks for a new dad- no baby experience so steps back as obviously only mums get the baby instruction book then goes back to work so evenings sees mum bf baby and maybe takes turns doing bath/bedtime. Weekends spend time together as a new family of 3 - why would dad necessarily need to take baby out alone? Plus experience dad thinks mum is sooo much better at whatever baby thing as she's been doing it all on maternity leave so still hangs back instead of cracking on with everything except bf.

Not really an unusual situation by 6 months really if baby is bf so stays close to mum for feeding intervals.

I know you won't tell us OP but really intrigued to know what culture this is that deems the only acceptable bathing option is a stand-up shower. Unless they're American? . Surely such things are luxuries the world over and the low level one would be acceptable? In Japan it's common to use a low level shower but to sit on a little plastic stool to do it. Could you get them one of those? I think I'd be finding every excuse to keep them out of the bathroom/ bedroom too and you should just overrule your DH about putting a little hook on the bedroom door - it's just so you can relax knowing they can't come in unexpectedly. You can fit one yourself I hope? You don't need a drill to screw things into a wooden door or frame, just a ratchet screwdriver.

Hopefully you will really enjoy having meals cooked for you and you'll be able to find a happy medium with your MIL about "running the household" ( suspect your DH is exaggerating a bit there). My brother can to visit once when I lived in Asia- he is an excellent and keen cook who loved our local markets- we were delighted to leave all meals entirely up to him.

ramanama what a lovely story about your fil. He sounds gentle and lovely. Shame he isn't in your life permanently

Thanks for all your help and advice, you've helped me stop panicking and get my head straight!

About not wanting DH to take baby out without me... it's not that I don't trust him to keep DS safe, more it doesn't feel right yet. He BF (on demand) often cluster-feeds and won't always accept a bottle. He's not yet 6-months (a few weeks off) so haven't started weaning him yet. He will sometimes take water from a sippy-cup. I wouldn't object to DH taking him out for a short walk in buggy if less than 1hour though few places to walk here. He's offered to take him out for an afternoon but o said not yet. It feels unnatural to be separated. When he cries (usually reflux) I feel he needs his mum.

I like all the suggestions about how to establish the boundaries without actually voicing them. Re baths, I'll just hover, or get in the bath with DS some nights.

Had a chat with DH, he's happy I'm now looking at the positives instead of stressing about the details! He reassured me no-one will take DS out without me. He's still keen on a mini-break so we'll look at somewhere closer and hire a 6-seater. He said his parents just want to be part of our lives, feel part of our family. I want that too, so will make more effort to get my anxiety under control!

Thanks for the links about meds and BF

Op its only at around 6 months that I felt comfortable being separated from my dc for an hour or so and I wasn't breastfeeding. As you said it just didn't feel right so please ignore those posters who have said your unreasonable for that.

You sound much more positive OP.

It is quite nerve wracking to send your PFB off with someone else. You've spent 6 months literally joined to one another and your sole focus has been keeping them alive. It does get easier . In about 8 months, your PFB will spend their entire time running away from you so that's a different set of worries . Two more adults, even elderly ones come in dead handy in the playground then!!

Just came accross this thread while up with my son. I think yanbu but im glad your finding a happier less stressed medium. Please update this thread and let us know how it went Im sure it will be better then you thought. I think you are very brave