To have rules for guests, or am I being controlling?

[AnotherNc]

My PILs are coming to stay for 5weeks in our 2-bed flat
They are from a different country and culture, normal for family to come and help for few months after birth of a child. I've managed to delay the visit until DS is 6months!

I want to set some rules but DH thinks IABU. Would value your opinions.

1. I don't want them to take DS out of flat without me.
2. As they will use our en-suite for showers (other bathroom only has low-level shower) I want them to set a time for this rather than tramp in and out of our bedroom when DS is napping/BF/I'm trying to have a break. I need some privacy!
3. I plan to invite them to some baby classes but not all. I feel it's inappropriate for them to observe baby yoga or swimming as other mums may feel awkward!
4. Some days I want to take DS out for day without PILs.
5. I want to do all bedtime routines, he's hard to settle so I don't want them coming into our bedroom after 8pm.
6. I don't want them to bath him without me (I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs).
7. DH wants to do a mini-break but I can't face a long drive with PILs as I will have to sit in back with no space and I get carsick in the back.
8. I hate family breakfasts. I want to be able to grab some toast/coffee after the 7am feed then get showered and dressed before facing anyone. DH thinks this is rude.

So... AIBU? So as not to drip feed they don't speak much English so DH will have to translate the 'rules'.

I think even simply solving the bathroom issue will make a massive difference to feeling 'invaded'. ringfence your bedroom/ensuite as much as you can to protect your personal space and you may find your overall anxiety about the visit is alleviated a little.

OP rules made like this will be broken. That will hugely piss you off or you will be worrying about it all the time. They will also permanently cloud your relationship with PILs. They will think you are massively PFB (and you are a bit IMO).

My PILs come and stay with me for TWO MONTHS so I fully understand how hard it can be, especially as DH is out and the bulk of the time you are with them.

But you would do better by relaxing, taking a deep breath and allowing the time to be spent sharing the burden of being at home with a kid. Make them feel involved - let them cook, play with DS etc. Encourage little walks out while you go with them. Then let them have a go on their own. Let them do bath time with you, take over and watch them until you feel comfortable. You will probably find FIL won't get that involved anyway (if he is anything like my FIL). Get MIL onside to help iron/wash etc.

With regard to settling him at night suggest they read him a story have a cuddle before you start putting him to bed and then do your usual routine.

Your rules sound like you really do not want them to have anything to do with you or your DS. Quite hurtful to the PILs possibly?

As it is only a small flat I am sure they will be aware of traipsing over your privacy and won't come blundering through your room if the door is shut.

But overall - you need to relax about this because this will not be the first time they come for a visit.

I think you should work out which are non negotiables. Some of those are very reasonable. For example, the night time routine sounds very reasonable. The shower one, I think you need to say something like, could you let me know before you want a shower so I can make sure I'm decent and have anything I need for dc? With the bath one, you don't need to make a big deal of it..just accompany the pil into the bathroom with dc. No need for them to even know about 'the rule', just say how cute he is and you don't want to miss out.

How are you going to communicate with them when your Dh is away for 3 weeks? Do you know any of their language? Does he have to leave cue-cards with phrases on them for you? Ipad and Google translate?

Anyone who came into my home and rearranged my kitchen or anything else would be out of the door before they knew what had happened to them.

Definitely get a plumber and sort the over-bath shower.

Definitely get a bolt or lock for your bedroom door.

Definitely let them know your bedroom is out of bounds permanently to them.

Good Luck

YABU...

...for allowing them to stay for five weeks!

ESPECIALLY when your DH will be at work for three of those weeks. AND tells you your MIL 'will want to run the household' like this is a done deal.

Fuck that.

I don't blame you for wanting to make some rules, I personally would have just one: ILs ain't staying in my home for five weeks.

This is what happens when you marry someone from another culture, with parents in another country. You can't turn around later and say their culture doesn't work for me, I'm not having any of it, and force them into your own rules. It doesn't work like that.
You don't want them there, that is clear. And even if they don't speak the language they will know you don't want them there when you tell them all of these rules. Is that the message you want to give to your husbands parents, your child's grandparents: I don't want you here, I don't trust you with my child, I don't want to eat with you or travel with you or share my bathroom with you?

Lock for door is good plan. As is fixing the other shower.

Op I was coming on = to say yes you are b u without even having read the thread, having had plenty of house guests and dishing out few rules...on this occasion however in YOUR circs your flat etc they seem very reasonable to me.

I wouldn't however issue these rules all at once! Just casually mention them.

I aM SURE as time goes on, and they get to know baby more you can let them do more stuff with him.

Yanbu T all, I can see they already have put your back up by insisting they run your household, before they even arrived. I have been in that position, but I have a large detached house, even then it was hard.

I think it's all going to go tits up no matter what rules you impose. There will be loads of problems you haven't even considered.

Five weeks, small flat, controlling in-laws - what could possibly go wrong?

Could you book THEM a week away alone as a surprise treat to give you at least a little break from each other?

Is the spare bedroom big enough for you to swap and sleep in there with DS so they have the en-suite? Saves them traipsing through your room for the bathroom all the time.

I'd get/make a "Do not disturb" sign for your bedroom door too for when you are feeding/need a break.

Good luck with it - I would hate anyone (except DH and the DCs) to stay with me for 5 weeks so I think you are a saint to have agreed to this at all!

I think if you turn it around a bit it will make it seem better.

The shower will be free after 7am.
The bedroom door will be closed when I need privacy.

Tbh I think the rest of it is something you'll be more OK about if they stick to those two.

I agree that wrt bathing ds, it will be better for you if you let mil watch the first time, then you do it together, then you let her do it while you're there - do a gradual desensitisation. Same with taking him out. This will be for your own good really, in the long term.

As for the trip, well, you sit in the front, that's your place.

I have anxiety re him being left unattended for few secs

You know for your own sake you are going to have to get past this, aren't you? Otherwise it would be totally impossible if you got ill, for instance. I would suggest you start by letting your DH bath your ds, take him out and look after him at other times, extend it maybe with friends or other relatives, then see how your feel about the in-laws. They managed not to drown their own son or get him run over or attacked by dogs, there's a pretty good chance they will do absolutely fine with yours.

Have you got some time before they arrive OP? If so, I'd try and learn some of their language so you can do some basic communicating. If your DP is only there 2 weeks out of 5, there could be real misunderstandings if all you are using is hand signals.

I hope they find out about your book of rules beforehand, and decide to stay at home. What makes you think they'll want to be welded to you & your house & baby all day & evening anyway, and your DH will spend time with them won't he? Won't that include taking them out?

I hate the way these posts/threads about overseas family coming to visit newborn baby & mum over here. Whole implication is these foreigners are oiks, they need rules & regulations, they and their culture are so DIFFERENT that means they will DEFINITELY want to handle baby all day, listen to my scintillating convo all day and nothing else, them coming for a few weeks out of year is a catastrophe beyond measure and, horror of horrors, they don't speak English!!!!

Its a real shame to marry a man but look down on his culture and family and dictate as if he had nothing at all to do with making baby. Why marry into another culture then scorn it? Its your baby's heritage too. Yes 5 weeks may seem long to some but in many cultures, mine included, its perfectly normal. & the remit is to be an extra pair of hands and help new mum with chores and getting a rest, relatives don't come over to sit round-eyed in awe, they muck in and help and will leave you entirely to it when you want to sleep. They know new mums need sleep and could do with housework help. They're not stupid just because they don't come from the UK!

Superiority complex gone mad

OP with all those rules you know you don't want them there and 5 weeks is too long for you anyway so just tell your DH, why over-complicate it? Im sure he won't want to subject his family to all that, they can stay in hotel problem solved you can keep them all at arms length and soldier on through.. oh thats if you're not then going to dictate re. your DH spending time with and visiting them at hotel because if they sense you don't want them at yours they won't want to be there, will they?

Feeling for you but...

1. You have agreed to the visit however reluctantly so you are going to have to let go a bit.
2. You are going to need to find things to do with them rather than fuss over rules and not allowing them out without you, in your room, to your groups.
3. Do you have time to sort the shower out? Because that would be priority no 1 for me and I would get a professional in straight away to sort it out.
4. If you won't allow them to feed DS, take him out, bathe him or put him to bed then why have you agreed to the visit at all. It's pretty mean.
5. You are going to have to change your ways regarding bedtimes and family breakfasts for 5 weeks. It will be hard but it's just the way it is.

You are not being unreasonable with regards to baby swimmng and baby yoga. Just tell DH to tell them that it is not allowed at these groups. If necessary take them to a coffee shop, library or somewhere half hour before the class, leave them there and pick them up afterwards.

Also yes, this will be a tough 5 weeks....but you need to be really thankful that they don't live round the corner!

Oh dear, you sound as though you''re so worked up about this visit that it's getting bigger and bigger in your mind , and you are only focusing on the negative points.

Are you sure your MIL will want to run the household, or is it just your DH who is expecting her to because he's just used to seeing her run her own home? And maybe he is telling you this as he thinks it is a Good Thing that will allow you a little break? Men don't understand how territorial women are in their own home

FWIW my MIL, also from a different culture, never used to take over anything when she came to stay, she used to say she was glad of a break because she was sick of running her own home - maybe your MIL will be the same!

I think those saying the OP is being neurotic for worrying about their safety standards, don't realise just how lax certain cultures are about child safety compared to the UK.
Where I stay now, people don't bother with car seats. They don't bother restraining the children at all. They are to be found either bouncing around all over the interior of the car, sitting on the driver's lap to help them "steer", peering out the sunroof or hanging out of the window like a dog.
Once out of the car, the parents will cross a busy road without holding the children's hands or glancing round at them as they toddle behind them, whilst huge 4wd vehicles roar past at speed.
I'm sure most of their kids survive. Most of them.

Add to that, the PILs are in their 70s, don't sound like they are in perfect health and there is a language barrier. It's hardly idea.

*Ideal that should read.

Op, my priority would be to sort the shower out - get a longer hose for it (really easy to install) and a bracket for the wall. Or are there probs with the wall itself?

trust me at about 18months you'll be begging for a break

I bloody hate it when people say things like this. DS1 is 4 and I was never 'begging for a break' - just as well, as PIL showed no signs of giving us one.

OP, I think your DH needs to have a weird with his parents to let them know you don't want to mess up your current routine for such a long period, so there will be times they're left alone while you do classes, coffee mornings, visit friends etc.

Its a real shame to marry a man but look down on his culture and family and dictate as if he had nothing at all to do with making baby

when I married my DH I never had any idea on how the culture of his mother and grandmother would impact my life and that of my dc!

OP, you don't sound like you can actually go through with this long visit.

It is v U of your H to be away while they're visiting!

You also sound like you have high anxiety.

Oh dear, the rearranging kitchen bit... that's when I started to understand a bit

DHs mum did this, BUT not speaking english it was by guesswork and packet type rather than THINGS THAT GO TOGETHER. Think denture cleaning tabs with medicine, fairy liquid and syrup together, loose tea and cous cous and spices together, one pack of spices in a box would be with the PG tips in one cupboard and another pack of spices in a packet would be with cous cous then another spice in a glass jar with other glass jars in yet another cupboard.

This was the last straw! Well that and like a matyr cleaning every damn window OUTSIDE just before a rainstorm to show her hard graft yet refusing to do useful things like clean the kitchen, or deciding as I was breastfeeding deciding I couldn't eat certain foods (such as vinegar) and cooking massive meals for DH with it in that I couldn't touch...then leaving no ingredients for me....

Oh, I'll go against the flow but put SOME rules down.

4-7 are reasonable.

The rest are unreasonable. Grandparents/carers watch baby swimming lessons all the time.

Compromise:

• ask them to ask you first before they use the shower in your room
• at the very beginning set out the classes it is appropriate for them to come to (surely having them at swimming is useful? You could have a shower while they look after the baby!)