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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 17:13
Star well done OP
Ilovenannyplum · 01/02/2016 17:16

As a non driver, I would never ever ever assume that a colleague would give me a lift home even though some of them do live near to me.
I think if you choose to not drive then just get on this bus and suck it up!

If they do offer, I would get out at their house and make my way from there to save in convincing them tbh

VimFuego101 · 01/02/2016 17:35

Well done OP!

GigiB · 01/02/2016 17:43

well done.

Sounds like she was sort of expecting the free ride to come to an end..

timelytess · 01/02/2016 17:48

Tell her your time in the car alone before and after work is very important to you for planning, and later from unwinding from the day. If you don't get that time, you aren't your best at home. So no more lifts.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/02/2016 18:00

These leeches make us non car drivers look bad, what an entitled little Madame.

80schild · 01/02/2016 18:20

I have a friend who is a non-driver and we are in two orchestras together.

To me she is the gold standard of how people should behave regarding lifts. Firstly she never assumes that I am going to drive her; always remembers to say thank you and even when she has been lying on the floor close to diabetic coma has always said "I don't want to be an inconvenience".

Because of this I am quite happy to drive 10 minutes out of my way twice a week, every week. I have had people expect it and ask and if they do I always say no.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/02/2016 18:35

Well done op! Minimum waffle Grin

RainOhJoyus · 01/02/2016 18:36

Brilliant!
Keep saying the same again tomorrow. She probably has no idea why she's being unreasonable, despite knowing she limiting time for you with your husband

tictactoad · 01/02/2016 18:37

Well done, OP. It will get easier every time now Grin

I got caught in a similar arrangement years back. The guy I gave a lift to had to stay late one night and when I went to leave the fricken manager stuck her beak in asking wasn't I waiting for him Angry

He wasn't the most fragrant of colleagues either. Never again.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 02/02/2016 08:06

Even though you said no yesterday, I bet she still asks you for a lift home again today.

londonrach · 02/02/2016 08:10

Just drive her to your house if you dont mind and she gets herself home from there or else its a no fullstop.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2016 08:17

PLEASE don't offer to take her "just as far as your house" next thing you know, it will be 30mins til the next bus & she will be wanting to come in for a cuppa!!

Hygge · 02/02/2016 08:20

Well done OP.

Keep saying no. And don't make up a reason why.

Just do as you did. "No, I can't...I need to get home on time...You'll need to make other arrangements...I need to get back...You'll have to make your own way home...I can't give you a lift..." but don't give her a reason why.

You don't have to explain yourself, and if you try then she's just try to find a way around the reason you have given. Just a straight no, and if she keeps pushing just repeating that you need to get home on time and she will have to make other arrangements should do it.

And she'll get the message a lot sooner as well.

If not, then you may need to tell her the truth. Driving her home makes you very late home yourself, you don't get to see your DH before he leaves for work himself, you just don't have the time to spend on driving her home, she'll have to ask someone else from now on or make her own way home on the bus, but you can't give her a lift anymore.

Peevedquitter · 02/02/2016 08:23

Well done! but as an aside an extra 4 miles per day would be approx £150 in petrol extra per year and 80 hours, that's making wild assumptions on how much leave you get but you get the picture.

Just tell yourself this and her if she keeps asking.

Fedup21 · 02/02/2016 08:23

The fact that she knows you only have 50 minutes with your DH during the week yet still asks you to spend half of it driving her about in rush hour traffic shows how much respect she has for you.

Have you discussed it with anyone at work? Is she 17 and is not very worldly wise?!

expatinscotland · 02/02/2016 08:29

Just keep saying NO. No taking her to your house. Just what Hygge said.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2016 08:35

Oh come on..."it's a nice thing to do" So is going home to your partner & seeing him for just 50minutes, so is being able to turn up the music & sing as loud as you like on the journey home, or have the freedom to stop at the shop, or whatever!

There is NO obligation here to a person who took a job on that involves travelling everyday & has, lets face it, got herself to work & back for FIVE WHOLE YEARS up until recently.

I think the partner is correct, she is trying to get out of paying fares, but that doesn't mean she can freedload off op!

MonstrousPippin · 02/02/2016 08:36

Under these circumstances YANBU but lift sharing can work out if agreed properly. I don't drive and have a similar arrangement with a colleague but we 'made it official' where the agreement is that I pay half and have to make my way to and from her place if I want a lift. I also regularly check whether it's all still totally okay with her in case she is finding it isn't working for her anymore.

You've worked with your colleague for 5 years. I'm sure she's a reasonable person. Have a think about whether you want to commit to proper car sharing with agreed arrangements or maybe just forget the whole thing. Stops it being awkward for both of you.

WizzardHat · 02/02/2016 09:11

"sorry [colleague], I'm going to have to stop giving you a lift home every night. My husband work pattern means he has to leave for work at 6pm, so we only get from when I get in at 5:10 until then together in the week, but it's getting closer to 5:40 by the time I get back in from taking you all the way to yours and back most nights. So we don't get chance to talk in the week as by the time I've got my coat off and had a wee, he's getting ready to leave. If you lived on my way, it would only add a minute or two to stop, but as you are so much further, it's causing me problems to take you. As a one off it's not that much of a problem to not get chance to talk to [DH], but it's really making us both miserable now it's every night."

I don't think you need to get into long, involved reasons. I especially don't think you need to spell things out or apologise! You can't do regular lifts and there the matter ends. If you feel the need to justify yourself then just say you have to be home sharp.

I see so many women get caught up in knots apologising for not putting themselves out and justifying turning down unreasonable requests/demands. Just say no. The cheeky feckers can't pick holes in that.

expatinscotland · 02/02/2016 09:39

Too right, Wizzard.

expatinscotland · 02/02/2016 09:45

There's nothing at all 'awkward' about it. She doesn't want to do it. So she just keeps saying 'NO' until the colleague gets the message. Or better yet, just 'I cannot give lifts.' The end.

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2016 09:46

I agree, Wizzard.

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2016 09:57

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and suggest that in this particular situation, an explanation is appropriate. OP has been giving her a lift but doesn't want to any more, completely reasonably, because it's very inconvenient. I think that to stop the lifts abruptly without saying why is a bit cold. They still have to work together and if Lift Woman thinks she's being treated unfairly or has somehow deeply offended OP, it might make it awkward at work. OP has a perfectly good reason not to give her a lift that's nothing to do with this woman's person, so why not just tell her rather than wait until she takes the hint, and leave her feeling she's done something wrong?

expatinscotland · 02/02/2016 10:00

'I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and suggest that in this particular situation, an explanation is appropriate.'

The colleague already knows the explanation. She knows that the OP's giving her a lift means she gets no time with her partner. She doesn't give a shit. She still keeps asking. So keep saying no.

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