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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 01/02/2016 10:33

Before she even asks, go to her and say do you mind getting the bus home from now on?

If she asks why say there are things I need to do which don't always involve me going straight home and I don't want to put you out.

Then, sorry about that.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 10:34

Does she give you petrol money?

You can say no-if she gets pissed off, then she is not a friend.

How does she get around generally-shopping/days out/pub/gym etc?

Yseulte · 01/02/2016 10:35

It's fine to say no, it's very presumptuous of her to ask.

Just tell her what you've said here which is that that 20 mins represents half your quality time with your DP, Mon - Thurs.

Take her as far as your house and she can get home however she likes from there.

It might be time for her to learn to drive.

donadumaurier · 01/02/2016 10:35

I had a friend in my final year at school who used to do this- I'd passed my driving test, she hadn't. We went to a school with no catchment area, so all of my friends were at least a 15 minute drive away from me and some were more like half an hour. Whenever there was any kind of social gathering at someone's house, she would assume I would be giving her a lift as we 'both lived in X.'

X is a town surrounded by lots of smaller villages. She lived on the outskirts of the town centre and I lived in a tiny village on the other side of the town centre, out through several villages and pretty much as far out of X as possible without having a different town listed in my address. So same town on paper, but a half hour round trip to pick her up/drop her off and get home again. I wish I'd put my foot down looking back but I was 18 and scared of a fallout. YANBU.

CheesyWeez · 01/02/2016 10:36

Your partner makes your dinner. The least you can do is be there to eat it!

"I have to be home by X time. I can take you as far as my house or drop you on the way"

I used to get the bus home from work and hide in the bushes until it came because I didn't want colleagues driving past feeling they had to offer all the time. It inconvenienced them and me, I was perfectly happy with my bus journey & reading my book.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/02/2016 10:40

it may only be 20 minutes but it's a very important 20 minutes to you, and spending that time with your DP is vital to your relationship.

YADNBU- and she is cheeky. Don't make excuses, tell her the truth, that you just need to go straight home each day. If you wish, drive her to your house, then she does the rest on her own, but make sure you charge her petrol money.

Her getting home from work is NOT your responsibility - it's hers.

OnlyLovers · 01/02/2016 10:41

TBH I wouldn't ask for petrol money just to take her as far as my own house.

Tram10 · 01/02/2016 10:41

I wouldn't offer the 'drop her at your house option' either, when the weather is bad you will feel obliged to drop her directly to her house.

Better to tell her it is not feasible unfortunately !

Cressandra · 01/02/2016 10:45

Taking her as far as your house is kind enough. Explain about your DP starting at 6.00 and you having just that 30 mins together on weekdays.

Daisy2016 · 01/02/2016 10:45

Perhaps I'm not the most generous person but i really don't think being kind and generous means you have to drive 4 miles out of your way 4 days a week for a favour for a work colleague. Getting to and from her place of work is her responsibility and if it does not suit you, you shouldn't be obliged to do so. If you were picking a child up from nursery and would be late gettijg her then it would be clearly reasonable to refuse. Spending time with your husband before he leaves for work is perfectly reasonable to save you 20 minutes. Offer her a lift to your house but make it clear its based on your convenience not hers if you feel bad but you shouldn't.

BringBackBagpuss · 01/02/2016 10:49

I've started offering a lift to a work colleague. This was on the basis that I happen to drive down the road adjoining his, so it's no extra effort for me to pick him up from there. On the way home my route is slightly different, so he makes his way back from mine (only about five minutes walk), as I haven't even offered to drive down the road and back to drop him off. That's my level of commitment! (Mind you, I won't be asking for any petrol money!)

LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 10:50

I would tell her I'm happy to give her a lift as far as my place for a contribution of X per week petrol money.

LovelyBath · 01/02/2016 10:51

Just say what you can offer, and feel happy with accommodating, by text if easier to put it in writing. I had something similar with someone expecting me to do something each week as it was inconvenient for them. I wrote something like "I'm happy to do lifts in an emergency but every week is too much for me. Thank you for understanding". That seemed to do the trick. They had to sort themselves out.

shinynewusername · 01/02/2016 10:51

I used to work with someone like this. I once ended up driving from south Somerset to Bristol in the snow to collect her when we both had to go to a conference in Plymouth (adding at least 3h to the journey) and she didn't even offer petrol money Shock

Say no now & save your sanity.

fuzzpig · 01/02/2016 10:52

It's really rude to keep asking for lifts like that Shock

I don't drive. I get buses and trains everywhere.

I will gratefully accept a lift if offered, but asking for a lift home from a colleague every night?! Hell no.

Tywinlannister · 01/02/2016 10:54

Going against the grain, I would happily take her as far as my house without complaint. Not everyone can drive, I've recently got my license back after being seizure free for the last 3 years. It makes you realise how luxurious having a license and a car actually is. Not everyone understands that of course, I had barely any lifts offered and used to walk my disabled arse in the rain with the kids in tow for miles as buses here aren't worth the wait. Should she ask to go any further than your place, which I doubt she would unless she has some real brass neck as she's already had a lift half the way, then say no. Don't hang around if she's late or go out of your way but if you are going nearly to her house already, why not?

bunnygirlandbunnyman · 01/02/2016 10:57

No you AIBU!

She is being unreasonable, expecting you to drive and extra 4 miles each day and spend 20 minutes being her chauffeur.

Just say "Sorry I cannot give you lifts home anymore, because it is not on my way home and I need to be home at (whatever time) PROMPT or else I won't see my partner before he goes for work. He cooks for me and my meal is ready at (whatever time) when I get home. His schedule is tight."

She is being extremely selfish and unreasonable. She doesn't drive so does not comprehend that this is a PITA for you to drive 20 minutes out of your way every evening, not to mention the accumulated petrol costs.

Sometimes we have to learn to say no to things that do not make us happy.

She is not a child and you are not her mother, so she can get the bus, which she presumably did before she started leaning on you for free transport. Or she can pay for driving lessons and a car like everyone else.!

Good luck with it

FarrowandBallAche · 01/02/2016 11:02

Tywinlannister I don't think that it's feasible for the OP to offer a lift to her house and then for the colleague to hop out and make her own way home. What if it's throwing it down or snowing? The OP isn't going to be able to say ' cheerio see you tomorrow ' is she?

SanityClause · 01/02/2016 11:04

Give her a lift to your house, and she can get the bus/taxi/walk from there.

Really, it's fine for her to ask for a lift, but equally fine for you to say no, if it doesn't suit you.

bunnygirlandbunnyman · 01/02/2016 11:05

By the way, if you are giving her lifts, she should be paying half the petrol costs for each journey. Any reasonable person would insist on donating towards your petrol if you are the one doing the driving.

She sounds like a cheeky and selfish cow who is definitely learning on you and taking advantage of your good nature.

I used to have an acquaintance who tried to lean on me for lifts to our book club. She drove a car but never offered me a lift. One day I said to her "I will give you a lift if we can take turns - so I will drive this time and you can drive next time." She had to cheek to say "Oh I but I like to have a drink when I go out, so I don't want to have to drive"

Some people are just selfish. Don't let them lean on you, it will only lead to unhappiness and resentment.

Tywinlannister · 01/02/2016 11:06

I'd do it. And (how many times a year does it snow here?) I might ask her in to wait for a cab if she doesn't want to walk the rest. But I've stuggled with not having a license and having no way of getting one. It's not as easy as "she should learn to drive" for everyone. I understand that others might not want to but i would do it.

HappyAsASandboy · 01/02/2016 11:07

I would be completely honest with her - if you make stuff up she will find a way to work round it or keep asking.

In your case, I think she probably hasn't thought about the extra time it takes you. So I would say that you can't do it because you can't afford to be 20 mins later to get home because your DH needs to get out to work. Then stop talking.

If she keeps asking, you can then just say "no, sorry, DH is working tonight." And move on.

Gobbolino6 · 01/02/2016 11:09

YANBU. Could you drop her at a bus stop near your house?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 01/02/2016 11:09

YANBU - if its raining its a nice thing to offer, but she is BU to expect it especially when she knows it means she is costing you your only time with your DP.

Either tell her you're going to have to ask for a contribution for the extra petrol - 20 minutes in traffic between yours and hers and back will add up hugely over time - or just say no, I can't keep doing this every day, I will give you a lift if the weather is awful but otherwise I need to go straight home to see DP before he goes to work. Don't make other excuses or else, as you already fear, she's quite likely to say she can tag along with you to Tesco or whatever - if she doesn't drive its not long before she'll decide that would be a good way to get her weekly shop home, and then you'll be even later home...

Branleuse · 01/02/2016 11:11

just tell her that you dont mind giving her a lift to yours if youre finishing at the same time, but shes going to need to get the bus or walk from there as you cant do the extra 20 mins every day.

Its not unreasonable in the slightest. If you just say it it will save loads of angst and overthinking

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