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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 01/02/2016 14:48

Im guessing shes never offered any petrol money either? Occasionally I wouldnt mind but I like my own company in my car driving home from work, without having to make conversation with someone.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/02/2016 14:59

I agree with those on here that have suggested you let your colleague know that you wont be able to offer her a lift home anymore. If I were you I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty as to why you wont be able to do it anymore. Just a simple "That situation no longer works for me" without the ins and outs of why.
The details of why are not her business.

I also agree with the couple of posters who mentioned that they wouldn't take a job without being able to get there and get home under their own power (i.e. not rely on others except on public transport)

LieselMeminger · 01/02/2016 15:08

Even if you had unlimited with your dh after work, it's perfectly reasonable to want to add the extra time onto your journey for four days a week.

I'm a non driver, and a colleague lived in the same town as me, I would never have dreamed of asking her for a lift, but one day she offered to take me in and home when our shifts matched, on condition that I walk to her house on a morning by whatever time prompt, and home from it on an evening and that I give her £1 per day. I actually gave her more as some weeks she saved me £20 a week in a bus fairs, a £1 didn't seem right. I'd give her half of whatever I would have spent on bus fares that month.

We agreed that if for any reason neither of us wanted to continue then there would be no hard feelings. Some days she didn't go straight home, but would say I'm welcome to tag along to Tescos, or if I wanted to get home quicker, to get bus. Some days she finished early as it was quiet, she used to say she'd hang around and wait for me but I felt bad so told her to go home, and I'd get bus. Always made sure I had bus fare on me in case I had to leave early, or she did. If she was sick she would let me know in time for me to get bus.

The only time it caused problems was when the fuel crisis was happening and she couldn't buy fuel, and when the roads were icy, as she didn't feel safe driving. As I managed to still get in work thought she was taking the piss as she could get the same bus I did. I felt bad for her getting in trouble, but she could have got bus. I was greatful for the lifts but I couldn't lie to boss and not go in myself to keep her out of trouble, I couldnt afford to, and I'd be lying saying I can't get in. She understood, and wasn't so much angry at me, but the boss.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 15:08

Jesus, I can't believe the number of people who just cannot say NO when someone imposes on them like this. This woman has a burning cheek to expect FA. Not offering a lift doesn't make the OP a bad person, unkind, etc. She has no need to think of compromises, make up lies or excuses. It's the colleague's responsibility to get herself to and from work. The OP doesn't want to give her lifts every day. So don't, OP. Just don't do it. It doesn't make you a bad person. 'I'm not in a position to give lifts. I have to get straight home.' The end. I wouldn't think any less of a person who didn't offer to ferry me around. We live in a rural area with limited, expensive transport and have one car that DH has to use for work. I'd never expect someone to give me lifts.

LieselMeminger · 01/02/2016 15:09

To not want to add

helenahandbag · 01/02/2016 15:21

But really, who accepts a job they can't get to under their own steam?

My DP is a postman and he does not have a driving licence. He has mental health issues including crippling anxiety which have prevented him from learning up until now.

When he first started working for Royal Mail, the sorting office was a five minute walk from the flat. They then closed that office and moved everyone to a huge depot in an industrial estate a 50 minute walk away. The only public transport option would be two buses plus a fifteen minute walk, and the buses don't run frequently when he is on an early start. He either gets a lift from his colleague, I drop him off, he walks an hour each way or pays almost £10 in a taxi.

He asked the big boss about transferring to a more accessible office but because he doesn't have a driving licence, no other office would take him.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 15:22

The colleague is insisting on this. Every evening. Even though she knows it means the OP doesn't get to see much of her partner. Bet you London to a brick she isn't offering a penny, either.

'I can't give you lifts anymore. It's not working for me. You need to make your own arrangements.'

storminabuttercup · 01/02/2016 15:43

Agree with those who say you need to stop this, years ago I started this, I was young and silly, the friend lived very close, it started just getting out at the school at the end of the road to pic her son up, then one day it was raining so I waited, then it got to 'can I just pop to the shop' in the end I was taking her to do a weekly shop on our way home every week. Then my car broke, was in the garage, I text to tell her I couldn't but I was planning on getting a taxi we could share, (lifts were to and from) I got a reply saying she couldn't be paying for taxis as she was skint, at the time the taxi was three pound each way, bus fare about 2 pound, the lifts had been going on a year, I had saved her hundreds, I got my own taxi and after that never offered again and she never asked.
I guess my point is people become reliant, what happens if one day you work late/ leave early/meet friends for drinks, she's going to huff.
Just stop it now.

Or fart a lot in the car on the way home..

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 15:46

She can't insist on anything-it's not her car!!

AyeAmarok · 01/02/2016 15:48

I think you should say that you need to be home by 510 each day to see your DP before work so you can't be later than that. Say you could drop her somewhere on your way, ie a bus stop on the main road you drive along home.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/02/2016 15:51

No it is not convenient, sorry. She is an adult and should get herself there and back. Cheeky. Give her zone flyers for the local driving school.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 15:52

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening.

I've reread. She's not insisting on lifts every day. She's insisting on asking. There is a difference-you own the car. It's your party-you can choose who goes in your car!

redshoeblueshoe · 01/02/2016 15:56

I insist you say NO
every
single
time
Grin

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 15:59

Given the time constraints with your husband's job, could you ask your boss if you could work 8.30 - 4.30? That would mean you'd have an hour together in the evenings.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 16:36

Hi all.

Thanks for your messages.

To answer a few queries, no she has never offered to pay for lifts. Not me or any other colleague she has hitched a lift from.

If me or any other colleague can't do it, she can quite easily get a taxi or bus.. as I said there is bus stop just at the end of the street from our office block with a bus route which would take her outside her front door.

UPDATE She asked me at 4 o'clock "Can you drop me off tonight?" and I just said "no, sorry, I can't." She looked at me a bit like wtf? Hmm but she didn't push it. She has now disappeared half an hour before the end of her shift to cadge a lift from another colleague Grin well at least she is their problem now.

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 01/02/2016 16:46

Well done, Dani !!

fuzzpig · 01/02/2016 16:46

wow. shameless! Shock

well done for saying no! :)

SweetSuz · 01/02/2016 16:49

Perfect response OP! We were overcomplicating the replies you should give when this is perfect, not much she can say to that is there? After a few more times she wills top asking. Even if she asked why you couldn't, the genuine explanation you have is completely reasonable and again, nothing she could say back to that or judge you on either.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 16:52

Well done!

redshoeblueshoe · 01/02/2016 16:54

Well done, just remember - every, single time

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 16:57

Just keep saying no. She's a pisstaker.

leelu66 · 01/02/2016 17:00

Well done OP! Annoying that she's still got other people to cadge lifts from, though.

Roussette · 01/02/2016 17:00

Just saying No without waffling was perfect!

Those that do this know the door is open if you start making excuses and give reasons for the No. The less said the better and then there's nothing to argue against!

If she asks why you can't I would just say "The reasons doesn't matter, I just can't"

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 17:03

That wtf face Confused really came into its own here. I could just picture her face!

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 17:08

I like the way she says 'drop me off' like it's not a big deal and doesn't inconvenience the OP at all!

It sounds like she just can't be arsed to pay for a bus!