Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
ClarenceTheLion · 01/02/2016 12:33

You're being in no way unreasonable.

Is there a bus stop in your street? Maybe you could let her come along with you that far, then make her own way. If she says no, then at least you can say you offered a compromise, no more lifts!

ClarenceTheLion · 01/02/2016 12:35

Or try the 'Car Share' trick and put empty cardboard boxes in the passenger seat and back seat - sorry, no room!

HopefulHamster · 01/02/2016 12:35

I'd do to my house at the very most. Offer that or nothing - today! - and let us know what they say :D

ClarenceTheLion · 01/02/2016 12:36

Sorry for third post, but actually if you only get an hour of quality time with your DP, I'd say every second counts. Let her get the bus!

toffeeboffin · 01/02/2016 12:39

Just say no, what's the big deal? Or explain the bit about your DP, you need the time with him.

popcornpaws · 01/02/2016 12:45

Don't get involved in this.
I've had this type of thing happen twice and both times it went sour, with the colleagues totally taking advantage.
I won't ever offer an ongoing lift home to anyone now.
Don't make up excuses, don't explain, just say you can't.

Petal02 · 01/02/2016 12:49

I hate these situations, where the innocent party (ie the OP) is the one that ends up feeling bad! I agree that this needs to be nipped in the bud, ASAP, by telling the truth. I'd feel exactly the same if I only had a short space of time to spend with DH each evening.

If you tell the truth, then that's the end of the matter. If you start spinning yarns about having appointments here, there and everywhere, then you've got to keep up the pretence, not to mention that she might still expect lifts on the days when you don't have an appointment!

If you were to drive her as far as your house, then, as other posters have suggested, she may want to come in to wait for a bus/taxi etc, and that would spoil the 1-2-1 time you have with your DH before he goes to work.

And even if you weren't heading home to see your DH before work, sometimes its simply as massive pain if you're committed to regular lifts.

camelfinger · 01/02/2016 13:02

YANBU. I don't think you should have to explain anything. I don't have a car, and would never think of asking for a lift off even my next door neighbour.
If you did generously take her as far as yours, then 2 miles is nothing to walk.

RainOhJoyus · 01/02/2016 13:03

Definitely say that your not seeing your husband, you need to go straight home, so if she wants to contribute to petrol money you'll take her to you house. Don't even deviate to go to a bus stop as it will escalate. You drive to your house, park and she sorts herself out from there.
No contributing to petrol means no lift to your house.
Otherwise one day she'll finish work late and you'll have to hang around, she'll want taking to the shops etc etc.
The. You'll be picking her up in the morning as well

FetchezLaVache · 01/02/2016 13:09

My DSIL used to work at the local hospital and ended up falling into a lift arrangement with a colleague. No skin off her nose, as she was literally driving past her front door anyway, but over time she became pissed off with the presumption and complete lack of any expression of gratitude.

It resolved itself rather dramatically. DSIL was taken seriously ill one weekend and was admitted to the hospital where she worked. They kept her in for several days and all of her team dropped in to visit her on their breaks, with the notable exception of Lift Woman. When DSIL finally got back to work, Lift Woman clocked her, came over and said:

"Oh good, you're back! Am I all right for a lift home tonight?"

DSIL just looked at her and said "No".

bunnygirlandbunnyman · 01/02/2016 13:14

The reason she should contribute to petrol money is not to do with whether its costing you EXTRA, its the fact that you are doing the driving, its wear and tear on your car, which you are having to pay road tax and insurance for, she is being chauffeured around, while you are doing all the work. Why should she pay nothing to travel to work, when you are paying petrol???

She should be paying half the petrol each day if she is saving on bus money/time. Cheeky mare

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 13:14

Come back, OP-what are you going to say?!

kaitlinktm · 01/02/2016 13:20

It's not worth considering giving any reasons other than the truth - because she can refute them all "Oh, I'll come to the gym/Tesco etc too - oh I don't mind waiting" etc.

Talking about the money it costs is also a blind alley - yes she's a cheeky fekker if she doesn't offer to contribute, but in fact her paying would make it easier for her - like a service she has bought. It isn't about the money.

You just need to tell her that you have tried to be kind about it, but the fact is that driving the 20 minutes/4 mile round trip every night is eating into the single hour you have with your husband every night during the week. It isn't fair on him or you and you can no longer continue.

If it were me, I would leave it at that. If she requests that you drop her en route - then if you agree, be very clear that EVEN IF THE WEATHER IS FOUL you will still not be able to take her to her door. (If this is clear than she may book a taxi from work on bad weather days).

OTheHugeManatee · 01/02/2016 13:21

'No, I can't drive you all the way home, after work is the only time I get to see DP and that extra 20 minutes is really important to me' is clear and utterly reasonable.

If she still insists, then 'As I said, I can't do it. Your asking is making me uncomfortable now, can we please talk about something else.'

RaspberryOverload · 01/02/2016 13:24

I wouldn't even agree to dropping her off at my house, if I were OP.

I've also had bad previous experiences with lifts, and I refuse to do this now (for work colleagues, other people around me are fine about lifts, offer petrol money, reciprocate, etc).

If OP drops of at her own house, it's just lead to awkwardness, and this person was perfectly capable of arranging her own way too and from work before.

DP reckons she is pulling a fast one on me to get out of paying for buses/taxis.

OP, I agree with your DP here.

rollonthesummer · 01/02/2016 13:24

When you think logically about it-she can't insist. She can't make you take her-it's your choice, your car. Has she got the bus/taxis home for the last 5 years or has she tried this lift cadging with someone else?

She must be enjoying that extra money she has each month. It's not fair that it's at the direct expense of your time. Is she worth more than your time??

JessieMcJessie · 01/02/2016 13:29

The fact is that you need to be home at 5.10. It so happens this is to spend time with DH. But what if it was to look after a child being dropped off at that time, or to do something else that nobody could ever be expected to move. I bet you'd feel fine giving her a strong "no" in that situation. I would just say "I have a commitment that I need to be home for and it doesn't give me time to drop you off, sorry". No need to explain your life to her.

kaitlinktm · 01/02/2016 13:32

Have to add that although I know that there are very good (and sometimes sad) reasons why some people can't drive, with others it is a choice.

I have lost count if the number of times I have been coerced into giving people lifts to and from work over the years. Some of these could drive but chose not to shoulder the expense of owning a car. Some of those offered payment, but one reason for running a car is the freedom and convenience to do what you like - money won't cover this.

In the end I had to tell the powers that be who were employing people without transport who happened to live vaguely in my area that I wasn't willing to be a chauffeur. But really, who accepts a job they can't get to under their own steam?

sadie9 · 01/02/2016 13:33

Say your husband has asked can you come straight home every evening. It's so much easier to blame someone else.
Or tell her you have to go straight home because its the only time you guys get to 'you know' and give her a big wink. That'll shut up her up.

Redlocks28 · 01/02/2016 13:37

But really, who accepts a job they can't get to under their own steam?

This x 1000

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 13:37

I wouldn't give her a lift to my house. You just know she's going to come in and wait for a taxi etc. If the weather's horrible you'll feel mean leaving her on the pavement. Just say you can't do it any more. Do you really think she'd be driving out of her way for you?

Petal02 · 01/02/2016 13:43

A work for a large employer, and they're always trying to encourage staff to try car-share arrangements, with very little success. And whilst, in theory, I could join a car-share arrangement, I simply don't want to. I drive to work because I enjoy the freedom it gives me, if I want to go in later one day due to a dental appointment in Midsomer (great idea from a previous poster) or go home late due to having a colonic in Camberwick Green, then the choice is mine, and mine alone!

blessedwithtwo · 01/02/2016 13:45

I used to get stuck giving my friend a lift from work. I felt awful driving past her when it was cold/dark/rainy - I stopped and she learnt to drive! She said she didn't have any reason to before! Cheeky eh.

cshimmon · 01/02/2016 13:47

If it's too difficult to just say you can't do it, then rather than making up excuses, I'd say your dp isn't happy that you're not seeing each other enough. Which I'll bet is true.

OutWithTheDogs · 01/02/2016 13:49

Just tell her what you said in your OP - it's perfectly reasonable. Don't start with trying to make up excuses. It complicates a simple problem.

Swipe left for the next trending thread