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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 01/02/2016 13:53

Drop her at the nearest bus stop.

I had an awkward moment with a friend last week, she agreed to go to the cinema with me but I work in London so don't drive to work or to a station. She works in Surrey so drives to work but lives about a 10 minute drive from me and on her way home (I'm first drop off). The film started 8pm finished 11pm. By the time I'd get home it'd be midnight. No cab firms nearby. She grudgingly offered me a lift. I won't meet her again or will make my own way home. It's annoying.

memyselfandaye · 01/02/2016 13:54

If she gets buses and taxis and the OP offers to take her as far as OPs house, she could end up asking to wait in the OPs house while she waits for a taxi.

howabout · 01/02/2016 13:54

Car shares work very well when organised at arms length. They are otherwise known as buses.

Just say no op.

LeaLeander · 01/02/2016 13:54

Can you adjust your hours to end at 4:30? On the basis of "family needs" or something?

Otherwise, I'd tell her that your husband has to leave earlier for work these days so you must go straight home to hand off the car.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/02/2016 13:54

Ps you don't need to make excuses or even tell her the reason why a simple sorry I can't give you a lift should suffice.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2016 13:55

I wouldn't give her a lift at all. 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me. I have other commitments that mean I have to get home sharpish.' End of. 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me.'

I think your DP is spot on here.

I would also never take a job that I couldn't get to under my own steam or expect anyone to give me a lift.

She's expecting it. Right there, cut it off. 'Can't give you lifts. I have other commitments that mean I have to get home sharpish.'

'So drop me off at your house.'

'That doesn't work for me. I use my commute home to decompress.'

McNally · 01/02/2016 13:56

You shouldn't feel bad about not giving her lifts OP. Since she knows that doing her this favour means that you miss out on seeing your DP and she is not at all bothered by that, she is clearly not someone who deserves your kind heart. If I'm feeling bad about something like this I often consider whether they would do the same if the situation were reversed. I very much doubt this colleague would.

clam · 01/02/2016 13:57

I didn't get that she was insisting on the lift, just insisting on asking - slightly different.

Petal02 · 01/02/2016 13:58

I'd tell her that your husband has to leave earlier for work these days, so you must go straight home to hand over the car

That's a good idea, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable being completely frank about the situation. And it's not a million miles from the truth - the OP's husband does leave for work shortly after the OP gets home.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 01/02/2016 14:01

Is there any possibility that she requested the change of hours in the hope that she could get you to give her lifts? I am generally fairly quick to give lifts but not every day and not under those circumstances.

DinosaursRoar · 01/02/2016 14:02

Don't ask for petrol money or anything like that - you don't want to do the lifts, so don't. I would add a little extra time to what you are saying to her, as anything below 30 minutes, many people think of as 'no bother'.

"sorry [colleague], I'm going to have to stop giving you a lift home every night. My husband work pattern means he has to leave for work at 6pm, so we only get from when I get in at 5:10 until then together in the week, but it's getting closer to 5:40 by the time I get back in from taking you all the way to yours and back most nights. So we don't get chance to talk in the week as by the time I've got my coat off and had a wee, he's getting ready to leave. If you lived on my way, it would only add a minute or two to stop, but as you are so much further, it's causing me problems to take you. As a one off it's not that much of a problem to not get chance to talk to [DH], but it's really making us both miserable now it's every night."

If you don't feel you can tell her face to face, put it in an e-mail.

ThePrinceofParties · 01/02/2016 14:04

YANBU
I often give a colleague a lift home to her door even though it's a mile or two out of my way. BUT she has no expectation that this will happen, so I can work late without fretting about it. On the odd day when I'm going somewhere straight from work I tell her I'm (for example) only going as far Sainsburys, and she generally accepts the lift halfway and hops out there. It works beautifully.

I'd really hate to commit to taking her home every night, as even something as simple as working 20mins late or stopping off at the supermarket then becomes an issue.

Valentine2 · 01/02/2016 14:05

The only way could be for her to leave with you and then take public transport from near your house. YANBU

DinosaursRoar · 01/02/2016 14:07

oh or the idea of telling her that you need to hand the car over to your DH at 5:30 is a very good one! (this doesn't work if your DH has a works van or the like!)

dustarr73 · 01/02/2016 14:08

People like her,give all non drivers a bad name.I wouldnt dream of doing this.Its awful she has you op all wound up.

I wouldnt give her a lift at all.Otherwise you are going to be having the conversation in 6 months rather than today.

SeaRabbit · 01/02/2016 14:11

Why tell lies - the truth is perfectly adequate in this case - and the OP doesn't owe anything to someone who doesn't offer petrol money as a thank you.

RhodaBull · 01/02/2016 14:18

Yes, it does make me cross that the lift giver often ends up being the bad guy. When I was at school a woman who knew dm vaguely asked if we could give her dd a lift to school (df caught a train from nearby station). So df drove a mile out of his way every morning to pick up this girl, only half the time she was late and df was fretting about missing his train.

So I told her that now she'd settled into school a bit she would have to make her own way. She never spoke to me again and her mother left a bottle of sherry and a note saying "Thanks for letting dd down" on our doorstep. I was forever avoiding the glares of this girl and dm had to slink around town in case she ran into aggrieved mother.

fusionconfusion · 01/02/2016 14:19

People need to realise one thing.

If someone asks you to do something "can you give me a lift today?" and you say YES despite feeling unwilling and reluctant about it, that's on YOU.

It does not "give non-drivers a bad name". There's no issue here about petrol money. That's all mental noise.

The inability to say no to a request is an affliction many of us have been conditioned to, but you need in situations like this to JUST say no. That's it. No. NO. No. No. No. No. No.

The person moves towards the car as you get up and get ready to go? You say, "I won't be giving you a lift today". You do it once, they are unlikely to press again, but if they don't, do you know what you say? "I won't be giving you a lift today".

crispytruffle · 01/02/2016 14:19

I don't see why you should have to make up stories or tell her the ins and outs of your life. Just say it straight.

tictactoad · 01/02/2016 14:32

She's been getting herself backwards and forwards to work with no help from you (OP)for five years now. No need for excuses, lies or anything else. Classic case of 'no' being a complete sentence. You can always add 'that doesn't work for me' if you feel the need to soften it a little.

RedSoloCup · 01/02/2016 14:34

She shouldn't expect this tbh as it takes you out or your way, next time she asks just say sorry no as it takes me 20+ mins longer with traffic. Just that. She'll soon get the message.

girlywhirly · 01/02/2016 14:34

I think the reason that you will only see your DH for 50mins each weekday without giving her a lift home, much less if you do is all the reason you need to refuse giving lifts to your colleague. I'm sure she will cope as there are buses and taxi's available to her, it's not as if she lives somewhere inaccessible to public transport.

Lweji · 01/02/2016 14:35

"Sorry, today is not convenient for me"

1AngelicFruitCake · 01/02/2016 14:38

Tywinlannister

I think it's very easy to say 'I'd do this' when talking about someone else's day to day life.

Firstly, drivers do understand what it is like to not drive - that's why we drive because we don't want all the negatives of not being able to drive! I've got a number of friends who expect lifts and never appreciate the effort I go to and how out of my way I go, not offering petrol money, money for parking etc.

Secondly, I can't believe you're advocating that the OP allow the colleague to come into her house each night to wait for a taxi Shock next thing will be the OP is making her tea each night!! Do you do this?

Lweji · 01/02/2016 14:42

As a compromise, could you still take her, but drop at a bus stop or train station from where she could continue?

Just tell her you'd be happy to take her, but will drop her off before your house at a convenient place for her.

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