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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to offer a lift every evening?

189 replies

DaniBubbles · 01/02/2016 10:04

Not sure if how I'm feeling is reasonable or just plain selfish.

I have worked with my colleague for nearly 5 years. In that time we have always had different finishing times i.e. one would finish at least 2 hours before the other. Now my boss has changed our hours so we both finish at the same time. My colleague doesn't drive and now that we both finish at the same time, she seems to now be expecting a lift home every evening because we "both live in the same direction". While this is technically true, it also involves me driving past my house and carrying on another 2 miles (so 4 there and back) to drop her at her house. Our new finishing time is 5pm so with the traffic through the city centre, this will take me at least another 20 minutes before I get home.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem but my DP works backshift and has to leave for work at 6pm. With our shift pattern, I am already in bed by the time he finishes work and he is still in bed by the time I get up for work in the morning.. so essentially this 50 minutes between me getting home at 5.10pm and him leaving for work at 6pm is the only real time we get to see each other Monday to Thursday. The way we work it just now is he has dinner on the table for me coming in and afterwards we have about half an hour to catch up/have a chat/spend time together.

My colleague knows this but still insists on asking for lifts every evening. I'd still be willing to offer lifts if the weather was terrible or there was an emergency but do you think I'm being pedantic over what is essentially only 20 minutes??

OP posts:
FarrowandBallAche · 01/02/2016 11:14

It doesn't snow often you're right but it rains very often. So then the OP has to have this woman come in her house whilst she waits for a cab?!?

It's not her problem!

FetchezLaVache · 01/02/2016 11:14

Mumsnet standard, tweaked to situation: "This isn't working for me, because it means that by the time I get home I only get half an hour with DP. If I just take you as far as my house [NB don't invite her inside, ever, for any reason!!], could you walk the rest of the way from there, or hop on a bus, or something?"

Namechange02 · 01/02/2016 11:20

Take her to your house. 2 miles is only 30 minutes walk and it rains less than you think - and even if it does rain she won't dissolve.

NightWanderer · 01/02/2016 11:22

I'd offer to drop her off at your house and she can make her own way from there but only if she pays half the petrol costs. She must be saving a fortune!

Tywinlannister · 01/02/2016 11:24

It isn't her problem no, but it's a nice thing to do, doesn't go out of her way (if OP doesn't feel pressured in to driving any further than she wants to) and OP doesn't even have to do it every day if she doesn't feel like it. This woman might have all sorts of reasons she keeps desperately asking for a lift and that car journey might be the start of s friendship. I know it's not for everyone but I'd reach out. OP, you only have to go as far as you feel comfortable with.

Inertia · 01/02/2016 11:25

I'd offer to take her to your house, and just say that your DP has dinner on the table at 5.10 and then leaves immediately for work, and the current arrangement of you dropping her at her house leaves you too tight for time.

redshoeblueshoe · 01/02/2016 11:27

namechange Grin that's exactly what I was thinking.

RhodaBull · 01/02/2016 11:33

I agree with FarrowandBallAche that although taking her as far as your house seems like the kindest option, it could lead to her hanging around inside yours waiting for a taxi, or seeing her loitering outside waiting for transport whilst you are sitting up at the table eating beans on toast.

I would try to do it in stages, eg saying "On Monday I've got the dentist in Midsommer at 5.15, so can't give you a lift today." And then, "I'm meeting Glenda and Brenda at 6 on Friday," and then, "Oh, I've signed up for Yoga at 6.30 on a Thursday so I haven't got time to drive to your place."

A bit cowardly, but less brutal and awkward than a straight "No More Lifts".

NNalreadyinuse · 01/02/2016 11:33

I agree with the above - a lift to your house and no further. And yy to not asking her in - time with your dp is precious.

I am a non driver. Am learning but it is slow going I am a crap driver. I wouldn't expect a colleague to drive me around. I actually don't mind walking and dislike feeling beholden to people.

LovelyFriend · 01/02/2016 11:34

absolutely be honest - don't concoct any stories. Just be honest - you have every right to do what you do.

as for "what if it rains" - good grief, there are things called umbrellas. But yes even better if you can drop her off at a bust stop that not out of your way but will avoid any issue of her wanting to come into your house for any reasons.

"I'd love to help out as far as I can, but I don't want to be going out of my way every day especially as time is precious at that time of day for me. I can drop you X point (convenient place en-route to yours she can walk or get bus/taxi from) and I would like a contribution to petrol of X per week/month".

No need to negotiate - practice saying "sorry that doesn't work for me".
If she doesn't pay the petrol etc just stop doing it.

I'm all for car sharing etc. What shouldn't be happening in situations like this is one person benefits with it becomes a stress/PITA for the other person. Who the heck needs that kind of grief at the end of every day.

RhodaBull · 01/02/2016 11:36

Ha! The contrast between LovelyFriend and me! She advocates being truthful, whilst I suggest hiding behind cowardly lies...

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2016 11:36

If you don't think you can drop her at the bus stop at the end of your road when it's p*ssing down with rain with a cheerful "see you tomorrow" then don't get involved.

It wouldn't bother me unduly to take someone in my direction but I'm not going out of my way on a daily basis if I have to be somewhere else.

wheresthebeach · 01/02/2016 11:45

Gaw...don't take her to your house. She'll be popping in to use the loo before you know it!

Suggest you don't get caught up with justifying yourself too much. Just 'sorry - I can't do this as I need to get home sharpish each night'. I suspect she'll get stroppy. Let her.

I'm so much more brave when advising other people! Blush

kissmethere · 01/02/2016 11:48

She's taking advantage because you're letting her. She's abused your kindness and umless you straighten it out she'll keep doing it.
Just say I can't bring you all the way home from now on as it eats into my family time. I think that's perfectly reasonable. Or she can arrange for a taxi to take her the rest of the way from your house.

BackforGood · 01/02/2016 11:49

Just tell her what you've told us - that you need to be in your house by X o'clock every evening, and taking her home means that doesn't happen so you are going to have to either stop giving her a lift or you can drop her at your house / somewhere along the way if that helps her any.
Don't start making up excuses, but equally don't miss out on that time at home as it's an important part of your day.

kissmethere · 01/02/2016 11:50

However she sounds like she is determined for a lift home if she tags along shopping. I'd ditch the lift altogether. You can't take her home and that's it. It sounds really awkward.

Cressandra · 01/02/2016 11:52

I'm all for cowardly lies at times but I think the truth is a perfectly good reason here, more sustainable and will occupy less headspace.

OP you say she knows you only have 30 mins. Fine. So she'll believe you. Spell it out, you can drive her as far as your house or, better, find a bus stop en (YOUR) route. Repeat as necessary. "I only have 30mins with DH, I need to be home at 5.10. You can come but you'll need to make your own way home from my house" Then ramp up to "I only have 30mins with DH today. Are you seriously asking me to give virtually all of that up to drive you to your house?"

If getting as far as your house is no better for her than getting the bus from work, she can choose to get the bus from work.

If it rains, you say cheerfully "oh no bad luck, maybe the bus from work would have been better. Have you got a hood/umbrella?" If she doesn't, graciously lend her an umbrella.

Strangertides1 · 01/02/2016 11:55

I'd be honest and straight and just say 'I can only take you are far as my house, the extra time to your house means I don't get to spend time with dh before he goes to work'. End of, you don't have to make up any more excuses.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/02/2016 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vanderwaals · 01/02/2016 12:09

Why don't you drop her off at the nearest bus stop to your house? She can get the bus, or walk. It's only 2 miles!

strawberrypenguin · 01/02/2016 12:12

Just be honest with her. Don't make excuses just say you need to get home by 5.10 and you won't be able to offer her a lift. It will quickly get complicated if you do anything else!

GigiB · 01/02/2016 12:15

People like this really annoy me. You've been nothing but kind to her and used to occasionally, kindly, do her a favour and now she is putting you an awkward situation, making you question whether you are being unreasonable by not spending nearly 2 hours of your life every week shipping her around!

You need to say to her, that you aren't going to be able to continue to take her home. That 'as its not on your way' it takes you an extra 20 mins to get home every day, meaning you miss your DP before he goes to work. if she questions you, just say, 'I think you are putting me in an awkward situation, as i miss my DP' and leave that hanging in the air.

She is being unreasonable, so tell the truth.

Alicewasinwonderland · 01/02/2016 12:23

I would happily drop her off next to my house AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T COME IN, but no further. I am not sure why I should then ask her for petrol money? I would be driving home anyway, so it doesn't cost me any more to take someone with me.

The fact that she "Insists" sounds really unpleasant. It's not fair on you, I hope she doesn't sulk too much when you refuse. The fact that she can afford taxis to go to work also means that she is really not struggling!

Morifarty · 01/02/2016 12:23

Some people seem to have no boundaries.

I did this, there was a woman who used to get a taxi regularly, and it was on my way, kind of. Her taxi was late on occasion so I said to her that I wouldn't mind dropping her on the days her taxi was late (this would have been about once a fortnight). Next thing I knew she said she'd cancelled the regular taxi as I could give her lifts now!

I was so shocked that I actually did it for a couple of weeks before coming to my senses and saying I couldn't do it any more.

Janeymoo50 · 01/02/2016 12:25

Cheeky mare. I'd drop her at the nearest bus stop to your house (and slightly resent that too each night) you're not running a taxi firm!