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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

283 replies

SparkleSoiree · 31/01/2016 23:37

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/02/2016 16:37

DS is a very strong minded character and usually gets what he wants

If this is the case, you might want to think about how you'll handle it if you're confronted with a done deal ... as in DIL gets pregnant "accidentally" and they say they'll be out on the street if you don't help Hmm

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2016 16:54

Childcare is only a big burden until school age

Secondary school age maybe? What planet do you live on because my kids have 14 weeks school holiday a year plus looking after from 7.30-8.30/15.00-18.00 every day.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2016 16:54

Childcare is only a big burden until school age

Secondary school age maybe? What planet do you live on because my kids have 14 weeks school holiday a year plus looking after from 7.30-8.30/15.00-18.00 every day.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 01/02/2016 17:08

Yesterdayoncemore They asked both grandmas and asked if we could organise ourselves and divide the days childcare was needed between us, which we did. Smile

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 01/02/2016 17:10

They are extremely presumptuous! I would hope they have been saving quite a lot given over the past couple of years - time to dig in for paid childcare!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/02/2016 17:11

just say no, and be busy- its simple

works for my Mum!

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 01/02/2016 17:13

Obsidienblackbirdmcknight That was actually a concern of mine. The baby was very young at the time and was going between at least three different houses in the week. I feel generally a newborn needs 1-1 time with parents to establish bonding without confusion. But I feel my thinking may be out of date nowadays with so many babies in daycare.

LagunaBubbles Thinking about it, yes I am concerned that we may end up not seeing DGD for a while if DS was to become upset.

Thank you everyone for your responses. We are planning to discuss the situation with them imminently and let them know our position.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/02/2016 17:20

Blimey! I lived with my mil and still didn't expect her to do the childcare for my twins. She offered occasional babysitting and sometimes would have one twin if the other had a hospital appointment because it meant we could get on a bus instead of me pushing a double buggy 4 miles.

Definitely say 'no more'.

I'm 46 and if I became a GP now there is no way I'd be doing any childcare. I've got a job for a start.

MissBattleaxe · 01/02/2016 17:29

Thinking about it, yes I am concerned that we may end up not seeing DGD for a while if DS was to become upset

That would be cutting off their nose to spite their face. They need you more than you need them. Having said that, it's particularly nasty to "ration" time with a child to prove a point, so I hope they don't do that.

TheCatsMeow · 01/02/2016 17:35

YABU to think he should have consulted you.

YANBU to say no to childcare.

HildaFlorence · 01/02/2016 17:45

OP are you the poster with the medical student ds and DIL . If so you have more than supported them and they owe you a great deal .

If not then you sound very supportive anyway and I don't think you should feel guilty at all .

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 01/02/2016 17:49

Hildaflorence no, not me. Smile but thank you.

OP posts:
magoria · 01/02/2016 18:08

we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older

This is exactly what you need to tell them. Before it is too late and you are stuck raising both their DC.

Headofthehive55 · 01/02/2016 18:20

I think there is this assumption that GP will provide childcare...they see their friends people at work getting GP to help.

I don't think you should feel guilty in saying no. At all.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2016 18:33

Please remember when you go to discuss it, that you don't have to discuss it or negotiate it. You can simply say no.
Anytging you do for them is a favour for which they should be very very grateful.
And if your son does say you can't see your dgd, please remember that this is a horrible horrible thing to do, and isn't because he's 'strong minded'. Please take off your rose tinted spectacles.

GeorginaWorsley · 01/02/2016 18:33

I made my feelings clear as soon as DD announced second pregnancy that we couldn't offer same level of commitment that we had been doing.
We were getting resentful and I felt sorry for our younger children still at home.
DD is using paid childcare when she returns to work apart from one day that I did offer.
Someone up thread said it's hard to be in granny mode when you are still very much a young child's mummy, and this sums it up I think.

dementedma · 01/02/2016 18:43

My DDS are in their 20s and I'm in early 50s. They have been categorically told that the whole grandmother thing doesn't interest me and I intend to get my life back after raising them and their younger brother - he is still at home. If they get pregnant I will NOT be their child care option, other than occasionally helping out if it fits in with what I'm doing.

zoomzoomzooom1234 · 01/02/2016 18:51

YABU to think they should have consulted u before having kids but YANBU to not offer childcare. TBH it's a bit immature if they choose to have another child when they can't afford any childcare at all and have no back up plan other than the generosity of GMs. It sounds like they are 100% reliant on you which is going to put them in an impossible situation when life happens and inevitably one GM pulls out. I'd advise them to hold off until they are in a better financial situation or at least have some savings that can help them through.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2016 23:40

ds can have as many kids as he likes, but you dont need to look after them

if you really want to help/see dgs then offer one day only, non flexible and other days they can pay for childcare as many other famillies do

you need to tell him no that you will be cutting down/stopping and def not having both

friends mum has her gc 4/5 days a week, was meant to be 2 then increased, the gran is worn out

you spend 20+yrs looking after your own children then want time to enjoy your life, esp as had ds early on and have another 10+ looking after his younger sibling

MissBattleaxe · 02/02/2016 00:05

I think it's a bloody cheek that some adults expect their Mum to do all their childcare for them. Haven't Mums done enough chores for their kids by the time they leave home?

Ledkr · 02/02/2016 07:37

Another side to this is that the other grandchildren get their noses pushed out.
Both sets of dds grandparents have the other GC while the parevts work and my dds are completely put on the back burner. My mum and mil and fil talk constantly about the other gc to the dds who as they get older have noticed it.
Dd aged 4 even asked me if mils other gc lived with her as she has her own room etc. she has a sad look on her face when the other gc is around and clinging to mil like a limpit Sad

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/02/2016 07:48

MissBattleAxe, parents have done plenty raising their own but many on MN believe they should provide childcare or they are selfish as its part of being in a family. Lots don't as well thankfully. If they don't, some spit their dummies out and say they will refuse to help their parents in old age.

It seems to have bypassed many that a child is a huge commitment and that work, nights out etc may mean they have to pay for childcare or curtail their social life rather than expect their life to carry on as normal whilst others pick up the slack.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 02/02/2016 07:49

Ledkr, we have a similar thing here.

We are all now local, but this wasn't the case in the past.

GPs do regular and adhoc childcare for other gcs. They offer to have mine whenever we speak, but 9 times out of 10 it falls through (from their end). And whenever they are there, the other GCs all suddenly appear "to play".

My eldest nephew happily tells my dcs all about how he does special things with GPs all the time. I don't think there's been a time when they've been there without their cousins in the past year.

So my dcs visit maybe once or twice every couple of months for a few hours. Other GC are looked after maybe 5 times a week.

I wouldn't mind so much, but when an old family friend came to visit and said to me, "Your DM looks exhausted. She does an awful lot of looking after all her dgcs, doesn't she? You should give her a break." I was open mouthed I'm not sure I replied.

Or when I asked if she could babysit so that dh could attend an important hospital appointment with me, and DM said, "I've got nothing in the diary, but I'll have to check that your dbro doesn't want me to look after his dcs, before I can say yes."

I'm grateful for the help I do get. But devastated by the two tier system in place.

So start as you mean to go on. Because it is hurtful when your dcs are treated so differently.

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 07:50

Autumn while I don't think they should expect it all the time, I don't think it's too much to ask for GPs to help out occasionally? You seem to be saying they shouldn't ever help

My parents do most of my childcare, they offered though so I didn't expect it

Whinfell10 · 02/02/2016 08:03

I don't have time to read all the posts as I do all my own childcare Wink but really you need to reclaim some of your own time and also 1-1 time with your own kids. I think they are being totally unreasonable and if you can, you should reduce it a bit eg don't do evening babysitting. I really don't understand why you are expected to be a work horse when you have your own children to care for.

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