To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

Plenty of people just have to manage without any parental subsidy because none is there. Free childcare is not a right. Speak up now and tell them they'll need to look for more paid childcare because you want to travel etc before it's too late! Have you dropped your own work hours to take this on?

Maybe they think you like doing it. My DS and DDiL knew they would have to sort work-time childcare themselves when maternity leave ends. I like to be involved but would not be a permanent childminder. Could you and the other granny do perhaps a day per week and time-share for holiday cover? Could your DS reciprocate by looking after your youngest in return?

TendonQueen My schedule has recently been totally redesigned as I plan to take up an opportunity to study this year and I'm really looking forward to it!

Sangria I adore spending time with my DGD. I don't need childcare for my children, we manage it ourselves. The other granny and I already manage the existing arrangement of 4 days a week.

Sparkle well yes that's the point. Could they afford to manage the first dc without free childcare? If not then they can't afford this one let alone a second.
I'm a similar age to you with younger dc and now they're at school I am taking on more work and building on my part time years.

I'm cross on your behalf, just because you still have stay at home DCs, do they think looking after their babies is no bother? Please let them know that actually you are finding it a bit tying and tiring after 20 years and more to come of raising your own DCs, and that while you'll continue until they they sort out professional child care, you want to step back to the grandma role of babysitting and fun visits rather than child minder.

I'm 45, had my girls in my 20s, and I'm also looking forward to a little more freedom. I actually can't wait to be a grandma and hope to help my daughter in the early days as much as she and her OH want when/if it happens, but I won't be regular, routine childcare, an enthusiastic babysitter by request yes. I'm planning to learn Russian, go to the gym, travel more with my OH and see more of neglected friends. Toddlers are knackering, we have friends with toddlers and cute as they are, after three hours in their indefatigable company, we are so relieved to wave them off/ escape, and we both wonder how we did it ourselves all those years ago.

I know exhausted grandparents whose grandchildren are dropped off as early as 7.00 a.m. They want to help their daughter and SIL because childcare is so expensive, - which it is, but then DD and SIL have moved house three times and every time they have to have new bathroom, kitchen etc. It pisses me off.

You need to say something before they start trying again. You've slept walked into this arrangement and you need to get a grasp of it before no.2 is announced.

Presumably part of your decision to have children young was that you'd break the back of the child rearing by your forties and fifties and be able to take advantage of not having young children relying on you to enjoy other things, like going to the toilet on your own and not having to watch CBeebies. You need to get annoyed about the fact that that has been taken away from you to a certain extent.

I would bluntly say, "I can't look after a baby and a toddler, I'm sorry son but it's just not going to happen. Your dad and I don't mind the odd night to let you two have a break, but we can't do it regularly". Then I would slowly detach from helping quite so much with your existing DGC, have an appointment or a prior arrangement which infringes on one of "your" days (obvs with a bit of time for them to find other childcare) on a few occasions. You've become too reliable from the sounds of things and you need to start moving towards "in a pinch" from "three days a week", if that's what you want.

If you don't say something now they're going to plan their family around what they understandably consider to be the status quo which they think everyone's happy with. Being honest about what you feel is reasonable now is going to stop you feeling resentful towards your DS/DIL in the future, and you'll enjoy your time with the DGG(s) without feeling like having them is an obligation.

You need to say no. End of. You're only 43! I've friends who are having their first at 43!

And your son and his partner were entirely irresponsible to get pregnant if they don't have the money to look after their own child(ren).

I'll never forget one of my friends complaining about her Mum going into hospital for a knee replacement (she'd been in pain for a long time). It disrupted the free childcare she'd been enjoying up until then!

I don't think it's awful of them to have asked, especially if you agreed. But to assume is awful. I am a similarr age to you, with much younger kids, and can't wait to get my life back.

My mil and fil did look after ours pre-school. The difference was, we asked for one day with dd1 and they offered two. Every time our circumstances changed we consulted them, so they went down to one day with both dds by choice. Now, as each academic year progresses, we check what they want to do for the next one. To assume would be awful.

Yanbu.

Yanbu at all. I'm eight months pregnant with my first. My mum is 50 and still has a 14 and 17 y old at home. I am really close to her but wouldn't dream of asking her to provide regular childcare so I could work! She'll do the odd night babysitting (at her convenience) but that's it. It's our baby and we're responsible for it.

The likelihood is with childcare costs in London as they are it will make more financial sense for me not to go back to work. That's a choice I made when I got pregnant.

Childcare is expensive. But if they earn over the threshold for tax credits then they can pay for childcare! Or they can change their working patterns to reduce the amount of childcare they need.
Your sense of inevitability about them not being able to afford childcare is irritating. Most couples don't have grandparents on tap so they just get on with it. Lots of people only have one child or have a bigger age gap to avoid 2 lots of childcare at a time - why shouldn't they do that?
The eldest will get free nursery place soon, that would be the opportune time to cut your childcar contributions back and make it clear you won't do the same for a new baby.
Why would they expect you to have the baby from 3 months anyway? What happened to parental leave?

You need to say something. I'm disabled and heavily dependent on my parents and MIL for childcare on top of paying for nursery despite being a SAHM. We didn't discuss it with them in advance before we had the first as we didn't realize how difficult it was going to be, but we checked before we started trying for a second that they were all okay with that. My parents are at the other end of the scale to you, they were older parents and so are we so they are now in their seventies looking after a toddler with behavioural issues. The important point is that they want to do it, I do occasionally ask if it's still okay and they're clearly upset at the thought that they might not carry on so as long as they're happy then we're extremely grateful for their help. We would never assume anything and that is the main point. You need to put your foot down now before you get taken advantage of any more.

YANBU. Far from it. However - if you're already tied down by one of his children, what difference would one more make? Stating that you can't look after a second doesn't relieve you of the responsibility of the first, iyswim. You still can't go on that 3-month backpacking trip around South America. You need to be ENCOURAGING him to TTC, assuming you can't end the current arrangement - so the age gap isn't so big.

(I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. You are a good woman. And yes, you are too young to feel like this.)

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a grandmother at a play group I took DD to. Her daughter had a 13yo who the grandmother had provided childcare for then unfortunately became very I'll and needed an organ transplant. Years later, just a short time after she got the all clear her DD calmly announced her second pregnancy with the words, "You're well again now so there's no problem with childcare"

Truly. Sit them down and (1) refuse to do any more and certainly say you can't manage a second and (2) start the conversation about scaling back your existing commitments.

If they don't qualify for free childcare they need to make economies elsewhere in their budget to find the money. Or one of them stops / reduces work. That's what I did. I wouldn't dream of asking grandparents for regular childcare.

Childcare is very expensive, but with two working adults and grandparents to support they are really in a better position than most.

If putting a hold on their plans for a few years is what had to happen then that is what has to happen.

Forgive me though but it sounds as if your DS 'expecting ' things is the norm.

I was a granny at 42. 18 yr old son and his gf.
I had a 7 yr old and had just got remarried.
I made it abundantly clear that I would not be their chindninder or landlord.
A year after dgs was born I had my dd so it's a good job.
I help but do not feel obliged to.
I see this happening more and more to friends and family.
You need to be clear now.
Of course they can afford chikd care.
Ive been affording it all my life, they will have to look at their finances.

YANBU. My parents have my son for free 2 days a week for me to work and the plan is they will help with school pick ups so I can work more eventually. The difference is my Mum had been retired over 10 years before he was born and they'd had a lot of time to themselves travelling etc.

I'm unlikely to have any more due to cost as I couldn't expect them to do more and even the arrangement we have could change. I've suggested paid childcare because I think he's a lot for them. I hope they'd be able to tell me if they couldn't manage.

Maybe your son doesn't realise you're not happy with the situation. I think you need to have a proper chat with him before they have any more.

My mum complained aboit being at gran at 47. She gave birth to me at 17. I hardly rushed. But as I never asked for childcare (??) She got over it. Just don't do it. His responsibility. Let him sort it. It's part of his life.

Like everyone else says, say no.
You have your own life, with young children.
I've made it clear to my children, who are still late teens, that Savagebeauty is not planning to look after any grandchildren in the future

I agree with other posters. Get in first, and explain how 'It's Going To Be' going forward with you regarding childcare.

It gives you an exit route in the future should you want or need it.

YADNBU

YANBU to have whatever feelings you want about what age you ought to be a grandparent, however these are irrelevant.

YABU to think they should be consulting you first.

YANBU in the slightest not to want to be lumbered with childcare duties. I agree with previous posters it would be a good idea to say you're already doing as much as you're willing and able to do. You seem to feel slightly unable to do this because of the cost thing, but think of it this way. Their existing DC is nearly 2 now. DIL not pregnant yet, so even if they conceive tonight the eldest will be nigh on 3. If they're low paid, she's likely to be better off taking the full year of ML, and by the time that's finished the eldest will be getting the free 15 hours a week. That should help financially. If they plan it right, they don't have to face two lots of full childcare costs simultaneously.

You are all adults, have an adult conversation. Tell them you do not want to provide regular childcare and they need to make other arrangements. You and DH have another twenty plus working years ahead of you as well as your own childcare commitments.

My mum does a large part of our childcare, it had just ended up working out that way, it was meant to be split between mil and mum and nursery but we kept being let down by mil so my mum took over all gp childcare and mil took extra work. But this was all done through discussion with my mum and she knows that once dd is in school it will stop, except the occasional pick up from school and some help in the holidays. She also knows how very grateful we are and we try to be as accommodating and helpful to her in return.

We would very much struggle without GP support, not just financially but also practically because neither of our jobs have predictable routine hours. We can get caught in traffic trying to get home from many many miles away and not make it back in time for nursery closing. Gp help is crucial to our childcare. So I don't think you can do as craic suggests and start pulling back from your current commitment to them as that would put them in an impossible position.

However, we are not even entertaining the thought of a second (for many reasons) and Both gp's had very early on set our expectations that they would not do this with a toddler and a baby. So I do think you need to talk to them about both the current situation and the future and agree a plan that works for you both.

Good luck

Talk to them, they have a lot of child bearing years ahead of the, and you could be taken advantage of even more so than you are now.

Decide what, if any, you are happy to do and let them go from there. They are adults and need to step up as parents.

Wow. I would always help out if I could, surprised at the strength of feeling on here. If my son has children and I'm in a position to help I see it as an extension of my responsibilities I signed up to when I had him. People are within their rights to say no, of course, and it's wrong of new parents to assume- I just think it's bizarre to be so .. Detached. Not referring to the op here as such, more the later posts.