To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

Talk to them soon, they could be trying for the next one now!

We're only hearing one side of the story here, it may be that DS and DIL think that you're happy looking after their child (and another).

My MIL pretty much insisted on doing some regular childcare for us. I said one day would be good and it has been the best compromise. She has a fantastic relationship with my DS because of their day together.

What you (OP) need to do is decide what you'd like to do. Would you like to take the baby for a bit? While it's young and non-mobile? or maybe have both but only one day a week and only for a limited time. The two year old could go to nursery easily now, it's not the same as finding somebody to look after a very young baby.
Decide what works and doesn't work for you and tell your son. They will have to then make arrangements around that. Possibly it would be best if you didn't say 'no more childcare at all starting tomorrow' but giving them a few months notice for nursery or cm waiting lists you can change the status quo and also discuss them having another baby.

Oh my goodness, yanbu. Your ds and ddil are self absorbed and selfish, and actually quite horrid what with the implied threat of not letting you see dgd if you don't do the childcare. That is shocking and I'm really cross on your behalf as you sound lovely. You must, must tell them now you are no longer committing to childcare. Do it. Pick up the phone now!

I wonder how much of this situation is because (1) you appear to your DS and DIL to be enjoying the time with your GC (2) you are young and active so quite capable of looking after young children (3) you don't work(?) so have time to look after their children (4) you have young children of your own, so at least in term time you wouldn't be jetting off on random holidays etc anyway and also having 2 primary school aged children yourself, there isn't that much of an age gap. Actually I think the fact you have young children too is a large part of their assumptions. That doesn't mean that you should have to look after GC, but equally I can see why your so and wife might not have realised you are not happy!

How would you feel about offering to have their newborn for a few months until he/she was 6 months/ 12 months old (you'd specify this) and then they'd got to nursery. In the meantime, older child could go into nursery. Once their newborn is at nursery, then you would just do ad hoc babysitting/ emergency help but no longer do regular childcare?

And also, why don't you even ask them to babysit for you so you and your DH can go out for an evening? It would be mutually beneficial, so I don't understand why you don't?

My Mum has the kids for a whole weekend every six weeks. We are so grateful. She asks to. We expect nothing from her and anything she offers is a bonus. That's how it should be.

You are being treated very unfairly OP. It sounds like they are bleating about the cost of childcare, but that just comes with the territory when you have kids. So they have to lump it. You could offer to be their emergency child-sickness carer, or babysit so your DS and DIL can have a night out, and to be honest they should be very grateful for that. You are still raising your own child. It is not your job to provide full time child care free of charge and nobody should expect it of you.

I think it's a bit rich of them to have a second baby and refuse to look after it themselves in their rush to return to work.

Childcare is only a big burden until school age, so it's not like your DS and DIL will be permanently bankrupt.

You are being taken advantage of and you sound lovely.

I understand completely as we in similar situation.
DD1 married with 2 children,our own youngest child still at primary.
We did a lot of childcare for first grandchild who is now at school,but I have had to be firmer re expectation of childcare for baby when DD returns to work shortly.
Also have made it clear when my youngest DD leaves primary school next year that I won't be doing pick ups every afternoon.
We have 2 older teens as well, admittedly DS is at university but DD2 in sixth form.
I Work Part time,Only 10 hours but am still out.
Also I have quite busy social life and do a lot of fitness classes and DH and I like weekends away and a few holidays a year too.
I have firmly said I will do one day a week childcare only,and am absolutely not going back on that.
Although we are taking DGC on holiday for a week

You are definitely NBU

No YADNBU. Funnily enough ds and dd were talking about this hypothetically the other week they are 26 and 22. There are no GC imminent but they both assumed that I would take care of the GC so that they could work. They were astounded when I said would be lovely Granny to visit and have fun with but any regular childcare was out of the question and so they would need to factor childcare costs before any dc arrived. We have talked about this previously but they didn't believe I was serious well they do now

insan1ty-it amazes me how many couples just "assume". they think that loving your grandchildren means free childcare. I don't think they realise how hard it is all day.

Either they factor in costs and suck it up or one of them stays at home.

They are taking you for granted. YADNBU!

YANBU. You need to speak to them, their assumption that you'll watch a future child as well so frequently is completely unfair. I made my mum a grandmother in her early forties but I have never assumed she will watch DS. She will often suggest she has him for some time together - they're really really close, she's more like another parent to him than a grandmother - and she is the first person I ask if we need childcare with hospital appointments etc, but I would never presume.

Especially if they're not returning it - that's bloody rude.

YADNBU. I made my mum a nan at 43. There was never ever any assumption that she would be our childcare. I can't believe these couples who just assume. We were living two hours away from all family, in the middle of university degrees. We put DD in nursery and we coped.

If you're adult enough to get pregnant (and be actively thinking about conceiving again), you're adult enough to take responsibility for it without demanding your parents step in and take over.

They know I love them,they know I'll love their dc and so they just think that that love means I'll want to care for their dc and it was a shock I think that it didn't. I'm quite maternal and I'm good with little ones (I have five of my own) but I don't want the ties again. My eldest is 28 and youngest is 12 I've been caring for years and years I'm not going to start again with their dc.
Incidentally I paid for their childcare as dm died when I was still in school and dmil was in poor health so it's not as if they have experience of being cared for by grandparents.

Not unreasonable at all. I'm always shocked at people who get help with childcare, then have another child and expect the arrangement to carry on. It's a cheek.

My parents are in their 40's and still have children at home. So similar situation, and no I don't expect them to have ds as they have their own family still. Also don't expect PILs to have him, they have raised their family.

Does your son/dil ever have your children? On the odd occasion my parents have ds, I return the favour.

My parents were 48 when I had DD (not that it matters but I was married and she was planned) and I had no intention of asking her to do any full time care when I returned to work but she sat me down to talk about it when I was pregnant in case I thought that it was a given. We sorted it all out and she's a fab nana and will help out where she can but I think your son and DIL are BVU to expect it. Unfortunately, it seems to be commonplace amongst people my age (early 30s) that they have a right to the free childcare that grandparents may be able to offer and all too often, the GPs don't seem to get a say in it.

In my opinion they are taking advantage of your kind nature. Regardless of your age yoy shouldn't be expected to do free chldcare in the day and to babysit at night! My dm had just turned 50, she doesn't work but even so I only ask her to have my dd if it's not possible for dp to look after her. She lived two hours away and I didn't go back to work so I'm talking about the odd evening out or day out when we visit or she visits us. I fully expect her to say no if she is busy or simply doesn't want to. It must be really draining for you when you still have your own children to focus on

On our case it has probably or would probably adversely affect the relationship with grandchild as I was starting to get seriously fed up before DD went on maternity leave!
My own parents are young fit 70s and also do a day of childcare.
It's things like holidays and days out and events out of normal routine that are hard if you commit to childcare too.
I really understand your point and I hope you will firmly tell them how you feel OP

Bloody hell, 43? Dd1 will be 19 when I an 43. No just no

Yeah shutup my 43 year old mum said something similar until I came home not long after turning 19 with a surprise for her...

Presumably when your DDiL is on maternity leave with No.2 she will be looking after No.1 herself? This may be the time to become very busy with your studies etc., and then to ask DS and DDil what arrangements they have made for childcare when she goes back to work.

A conversation needs to be had long before it gets to that point, Violet

These two need to grow up - they sound like they are still kids themselves.
Certainly little by way of an appreciation of 'adult responsibility'.

How dare they pass their responsibilities to you so they can enjoy the life they are denying you.

They should also realise how much money you have SAVED them so far and be grateful for that. It must be thousands!

This thread is interesting...so many people on MN seem horrified at the idea of grandparents who don't want to give up a large chunk of their lives to look after their GC - not doing so means that they won't have a close relationship with them and that you have skewed priorities, apparently

OP - YANBU, but like so many others, it sounds as if they are under the impression that you are happy to provide childcare, and that one more won't make any difference. You really need to have a conversation with them now and set out what you're prepared to do (if anything - you can say no!)

so many times

OP- how did the arrangement about looking after your first grandchild come about? Did you offer, did they ask or did they just assume?