To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

If they really want another child, they'll find a way around not having free childcare, even if it means having to wait until their firstborn is older.

There's advantages to being an only child anyway. I have 2 DC and I love them both dearly, but I have sometimes felt a bit guilty about having to split my time and attention between the 2 of them.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment. I can understand ds reaction. They have had free childcare, they haven't had to think too much about this or factor childcare costs into their lives. They has made plans on it continuing that way and are only now having to face the reality that it won't. Of course he should be grateful and hopefully when he has had the chance to think he will realise how lucky he is, how much he owes you and that it is entirely reasonable that you have a life of your own. But it would still have come as a shock and throw a spanner in the works as far as his plans are concerned.

If you can do some school holidays, emergency sick days and evening babysitting then I think you are doing more than your share.

Yes, I think that grown up offspring should expect nothing from grandparents and anything grandparents offer should be a lovely bonus.

My sister did this with my mum, she was worn out. The final straw came when she booked a 2 week holiday to a hot destination without the baby and just assumed Mum would be fine with having him full time for a fortnight without asking. This earnt my sister the nickname, The Statue of Liberties.

Said baby is now in his 20s and closer to my mum than my sister and she is very resentful about it.

you are totally not unreasonable but you have contributed to the situation by not saying anything earlier.

My Brother is exactly the same regular free childcare no childcare costs and so has had another one he has had the shock of his life when my mum has agreed to only do 3 days and no weekends or overnights. Added to that he is completely ungrateful and uses the children as a weapon when doesn't get his own way.

Their children their responsibility take control of your own time before they have another.

I do not understand why someone who allocates their full time childcare to someone else can then think they are entitled to a two week break without the kids.

MissBattleAxe the reasoning was that it wouldn't be safe to take such a young baby to such a hot destination. I guess women there must never get pregnant.

We are polar opposites and I do not understand how we could be raised in the same home and come out with such different attitudes and values.

nattyknitter. Wow. I didn't realise there was only one holiday destination in the world and nor did your sister. She sounds like a real piece of work.