To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

You paid for his wedding and honeymoon? And now you provide free childcare, so essentially also pay so they can have children.

I think it's about time for your son and DIL to start acting like adults and paying their own way.

I just read first page and your last post so I'm adding my support to the idea that you need to mark his card now that you will not be supplying any more free childcare for future dgc, particularly not a newborn.

Otherwise you are going to spend your entire life rearing children. By the time your oldest ds dc are old enough to not need looking after ( what's that another 12 years or so? ) Then maybe your other children will have cracked on. Play your cards wrong and you could end up helping your children with childcare into your 70s!!! Over half a century of child rearing. OBE time!

So no, it's too big an ask. You've enjoyed (?) doing it for one dgc but it's getting too much as a regular commitment and certainly too much looking after another new born.

It sounds like ds and dil are expecting you to do the heavy lifting on thier second child. Say aaaaaargh no! Now!!

YANBU but you need to put your foot down now before she gets pregnant! Remember 30 hours free childcare is starting soon or has it already so they should start taking advantage of that? Think how much you are willing to do and let them know now so they can plan accordingly.

Can't believe that they think it's ok to pursue their careers while you are expected to give them free childcare to do that.

I was already annoyed for you but honestly I'm angry after reading DDIL doesn't want a long maternity leave, she says she would miss her job too much and needs something for her over and above being a parent. What about you having time for yourself over and above being a parent and grandparent?!

So this is a lifestyle choice for them really. They could make other arrangements but expect you to deal with the consequences of their choice to have children so that they don't have to make sacrifices. Stand up them and set boundaries before they have another baby on the way that they expect you to provide free childcare for. They need to factor childcare arrangements and costs into their decision to have a second child, rather than assume they can rely on you to provide free childcare. The other grandmother has already started the conversation by saying she can't cope with a toddler and a baby, follow her lead before they assume you'll pick up the slack!

Crikey they've got it made haven't they?!

They work as much as they want knowing that someone else (ie both sets of grandparents) will pick up the slack and it won't cost them a bean.

If DDIL is that keen to get back to work a couple of months after having a baby then fair play to her, but to specify her childcare choice based on the assumed goodwill of relatives makes that decision so much easier doesn't it

They're going to get a shock when you turn round and say the arrangement is changing aren't they? I'm a similar age to you and my youngest is 9 - I can't imagine offering free regular childcare to any grandchildren (or stepgrandchildren) I may have as my priority has to be caring for my children still living at home. It's a world away looking after a 9-10 year old than a baby or toddler. And whilst babysitting and helping out in a crisis is one thing, regular committed unpaid childcare is a whole other ballgame!

Did I understand well that you are doing both the looking bafter their dc during the day (4 days?) but also some babysitting so they can go out?

And they expected the grand parents to look after their dc 'because we're not confortable with normal childcare as she is so young' but 'working is more important than being a parent' or should I say than my dc?

You really really need to have a chat with your ds (and her wife). I don#t know how old the MIL is but there is no reason at all why your should opyut all your life plan on hold (or rather discard them) sdo they can have free childcare.

You need to decide what you want to do. If you are training, how much will you have to do that and look after your own dc? Let then know NOW that, with or wo a new child, you will not be available 4 days but only 1 or 2 (or none, whatever works for you).
Yes having a great bond a dgd is great. Having a life is quite a good thing to have too!!
And then, have a chat re having a anothyer child. Even if it's just to say 'Good I had orgotten how hard it is look after a toddler. I couldn't look after a newborn on the top of it.'

As any other parent, they might have to wait until their first dc strats nursery or full time school to have a child. That's life.

Hey in 20 years time you could be a great-grandmother and you'll still only be in your early 60s. You may as well set up a crèche.

she says she would miss her job too much and needs something for her over and above being a parent

What?
Sorry, what?
Both the parents worked full time from when their first child was 10 weeks old, and expected the grandparents to basically raise the baby?
And they want to do it again?
This is fucking ridiculous. 10 week old babies shouldn't have multiple care givers. If they want another baby then one of them needs to stay home and look after it for at least 6 months, ideally 9 plus.
They have a very weird approach to having children. I love my job and need to have something in my life more than being a mum but I was able to focus on being a mum for my child's first year.
They are taking you for mugs.

In our family where grandparents were helping out regularly they would still go on holiday and the family just had do something else with dc for a couple of weeks two or three times a year

When I was pregnant with my and DH's first child, both my parents and my PIL asked (separately) what we planned to do for work/childcare. I think it was their very tactful way of letting us know that they didn't see themselves as part of that plan! Our relationship with them has not suffered in anyway as a result, and my parents have made a particular point of saying that they do not expect me to "give up my life" to nurse them in their old age, either.

Our DC are 5 and 7 now and, between them all, their grandparents cover around 14 days of school holidays per year, and approx. 1 school pick up per month. These are strictly at times convenient to them, with the summer holidays dates usually fought over eagerly requested months in advance. We use a combination of part time working, flexi working and normal childcare outside of these times. I know my MIL in particular struggles with guilt as she sees many of her friends doing regular childcare for their grandchildren but, honestly, we are truly grateful for any help we do get and the advantage for our DC is that their GPs get to truly spoil them when they do see them.

I am sorry but I am FUMING about their attitude to parental leave. Basically they're saying they prefer working to doing the dirty work or raising their own children, then pawning off what they see as dirty work to you. That shows NO gratitude, NO respect, nothing. Unless they believe you adore doing this more than they do I can't see how they could ever feel comfortable with that.

It's time to stop being a crutch for their selfishness. Whether DS has a strong personality or not you'll have to step up and fight for your own life and the respect you deserve. How awful

she says she would miss her job too much and needs something for her over and above being a parent

Perhaps she genuinely feels that she has done you a favour by providing grandchildren, they are her gift to you and now she wants to get on with her life and doing things that she finds personally fulfilling.
She has after all been a vessel for your genetic line?

You need to nip this in the bud. They need to understand that their decisions to have DC/more DC has consequences to them, not you. Then they can decide appropriately.

Oh my god, you definitely need to stand up to them and let them know that childcare for their children is their responsibility and not yours!

I don't think you should offer anything bar the occasional babysitting for when they want a night out - it's annoying when you feel you're being held hostage by an arrangement that benefits everyone but yourself.

Are you close to your DIL's mother? It might be worth having a conversation with her and getting her onside so that if you say no, she's either not having to pick up the slack, or telling her daughter all sorts of crap which could be detrimental to your relationship with your son.

But really, I'm just at "DDIL doesn't want a long maternity leave, she says she would miss her job too much and needs something for her over and above being a parent". The breathtaking arrogance that she (and your son as he is complicit too) wants something above and beyond being a parent, whilst simultaneously not affording you the same courtesy!

Having read your update, they're looking to you to enable them to have more children without any of the sacrifices that entails, aren't they? Seriously, if they're not even willing to use up the full amount of maternity/paternity leave and would rather grandparents stepped in, they need to be stopped in their tracks.

So the big expense they're avoiding now is childcare. It doesn't stop there, though, does it? There's school uniforms, school trips, any activities they want the kids to do (which of course, they'd be hoping you and other GM would be the taxi service for) and so on.

And have they even stopped to consider the unthinkable, that this wanted second baby that they can afford so long as grandparents give up their lives for them might turn out to be ill or disabled? The logistics of that are a nightmare and often preclude any ambitions of having something over and above being a parent.

So yes, do put your foot down. Make it clear that you have (perfectly reasonable) plans and ambitions of your own and cannot achieve them with a baby and a toddler in tow, during the week. You have the best part of 3 decades ahead of you before you reach pension age!

I became a single parent during my second pg, my father offered to help out - at one point he even offered to pay to baby sit, which I refused. When I returned to work he assisted with school pick ups and caring for baby.

I changed my job when DD was 3 so it meant I didn't need his assistance, it meant he went travelling but he has always been a big part in their lives. I was acutely aware though he had raised his own ( and others) now was his time so as soon as he wanted to travel I changed my life

Your DS has expectations beyond reality

OP..I am the same age as you and have two toddlers!

I would not be happy at all to be having to provide childcare for grandkids at this stage - or any to be fair (which I realise sounds harsh)

Myself and DH are skint, but we get no help whatsoever from grandparents.

Furthermore, I wouldn't ask for it, or expect it. If I need to do something, I pay for childcare. When the kids start school, I will either drop them off myself, or if I'm working more by then, I will pay for childcare.

You are perfectly within your rights to say no

I had to effectively stop work (daytime work) when we had no 2 as we couldn't afford the childcare. You do what you have to do. Why should they continue their nice lifestyle whilst you pick up the pieces?!

Put your foot down now OP!

I don't know if you've already answered but how old are they?

They seem very young - why the rush to have children?

childcare for their children is their responsibility and not yours!

^^This.

This is what you need to be reminding them of.

DS is a very strong minded character and usually gets what he wants

Mmm, are you worried if you say you cant watch your DGD when he wants he will stop you seeing her?

Can I ask how you ended up in this position OP? Did they assume you would help?

As someone who has had zero family childcare I am so angry on your behalf. I pay for sons nursery fees- it's only a hundred pounds less than my mortgage. Not because I love my job and wanted to go back- but because I need to clothe feed and house my family.

It needs to stop and you must tell them before they have a second child.

I agree with the pp who said you need to speak to them ASAP, before they are expecting again.

Decide what you would be happy doing, and what you're not happy doing, and stick to your guns.

When the dgc start school they will get a dog. You will be expected to look after the dog... (I've seen this a few times)

Oh that happened to my Aunt the kids got to old to babysit so the family got a dog now aunt has that cos the teen kids are to lazy to look after it

Mmm, are you worried if you say you cant watch your DGD when he wants he will stop you seeing her?

That's what my parents worry about. They know I would never do that. So they bend over backwards for him and dare not say anything