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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

283 replies

SparkleSoiree · 31/01/2016 23:37

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

OP posts:
StillYummy · 04/02/2016 19:26

Lots of people can only afford one. And that's fine, I am an only child and I am well adjusted and normal.

Well done you

Squeegle · 04/02/2016 19:30

Well done! I suspect it's cos you are so kind and helpful that he is just a little "entitled"! But you are being fair - of course you will help when you can, but you are just subtly warning them don't take me for granted cos I might be doing my own stuff! And who can possibly disagree with that Smile?

CocktailQueen · 04/02/2016 19:32

Well done for having the conversation in a nice calm rational way. Shame your ds and ddil weren't very adult about it.

FFS, they have had free childcare for long enough - they should be bloody grateful to you, not sulky kids when they don't get their own way. Why did DDIl leave the room?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2016 19:35

I imagine that DDIL left the room because she envisioned a very awkward conversation on the horizon between the OP and her DH.

And given the OP's sons response she knows very well that if they can't afford other childcare, he certainly won't be assuming he'll be the one to cut back his 6 day a week job.

Well done OP. You have given your grandchild a fantastic start in life, and enormous financial and emotional assistance to your son and his wife. Don't for one second let yourself feel in any way guilty about the fact that its time for them to stand on their own two feet and to get on with your life.

HSMMaCM · 04/02/2016 19:44

Good for you. I only had one child because that was all I could afford. I didn't need to blackmail my mother over it.

Don't feel guilty and good luck with your future.

eddielizzard · 04/02/2016 19:56

good for you. hold fast and don't give into the blackmail!

P1nkP0ppy · 04/02/2016 20:01

Well done op!
Talk about presumptuous, clearly neither DS nor DDIL considered the that you just might have a life of your own, so how dare they bring on the emotional blackmail.
It's interesting that DDIL left the room, clearly assumptions had already been made 😳

ZenNudist · 04/02/2016 20:16

You sound like you dealt with it very well. It's a shame you have to have a reason to give up full time childcare for someone else's child.

At least they're warned now. What a shame they can't be grateful for all you've gone rather than moaning because you can't do more!

ThomasRichard · 04/02/2016 21:15

That's good OP. You've been very generous with your help so far and done the right thing to make sure they know the situation before they gave another child.

notinagreatplace · 04/02/2016 21:23

Well done you! I think, as others suggested much earlier in the thread, going forward you should start asking them for some help too - particularly given the age your youngest is at, he can have the occasional overnight there so that you and your DH can have an evening out.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 04/02/2016 21:33

Sounds like you got your message across loud and clear :) it's so important not to be ambiguous in situations like this.

You wouldn't want to end up in a real life episode of Neighbours.

Good luck with your studying!

MrsJayy · 04/02/2016 21:50

Good for you bet you are relieved it's all out in the open now

LittleBearPad · 04/02/2016 21:52

Shock I'm staggered by their presumption. They are taking the piss.

I also can't get over the fact that you paid for both their wedding and their honeymoon!

They are not only having their cake and eating it, they are demanding more cake at your expense. Shock

LittleBearPad · 04/02/2016 21:52

But very well done for saying something.

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 22:41

I tink DDIL left the room because she could see what was coming and either a) didn't want to hear it or b) be there with DS's reaction. He does have a level of entitlement and it's because my mother enables him, I'm sure. My mother and I are not close by any stretch of the imagination.

I don't want this issue to cause any rift in the family and I plan to carry on as usual. If there is any residual emotion on the part of DDIL or DS I would hope that they could discuss it with me. I'm not unapproachable, I hope!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2016 23:20

well done for telling them

Hmm at dgs will have to be an only child

dil walking out of the room, she knew what was coming, esp if her own mum said that as well

guess they will have to pay for childcare then

welcome to the real word

DrSeussRevived · 04/02/2016 23:23

Well done! DS is being very inconsiderate of you and of his siblings -you'd be running a 4 child house hold half the week, bigger than you ever had when he was young!

Iwantmymaidennameback · 04/02/2016 23:29

I only managed to read your opening post and I was filled with a rage. I mean, really? You are expected to be the main carer for their DCs so they can go out to work? when exactly was this decided?
sorry but I would have to tell them to dig deep and fork out for professional childcare. They are just taking the piss.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/02/2016 04:38

Really well done, OP, that's great that you were able to have that conversation.
Shame your DS saw fit to needle you about it, it's not your problem if they will now have to shell out for childcare, it's up to them to take care of their own child(ren). I particularly dislike his comment re your DGD being "an only" then, as though to point out that it will be YOUR FAULT if you only have one DGD from them.

I hope that they grow up and take their responsibilities a bit more seriously after this. :)

Wardy1993 · 05/02/2016 05:41

YANBU with regards to turning down helping out if you choose to that's your perogative. To feel to old to be a gp well that's tough! You say you're early fourties... Was it similar for your parents? (Providing they were/are around) they could have felt the same way when you had yours!!

Wardy1993 · 05/02/2016 05:48

Namechangenel duuuude really?! My mum is 46 if she had a baby I would vomit... Grin 43 isn't too young to be a grandparent at all!!! The youngest in Britain is 29.... Wink

InionEile · 05/02/2016 05:51

Since you're so young could great-grandparents help out? Presumably your own parents are still only in their 60s, maybe early 70s?

You're under no obligation to help your DS at all though. My parents and PILS live thousands of miles from us but even if they lived down the road there is no way they would do childcare pick ups or babysitting for us. Your DS sounds pretty spoilt!

Do what works for you and your younger children. He is an adult and needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. If they can't afford childcare for both he and his wife work they should have done what the rest of us do and wait until they were in a more secure financial situation before starting a family.

Damselindestress · 05/02/2016 05:51

It's great that you stood up to them. I am shocked at your son's entitled attitude though and his manipulative comment that his son will have to be an only child, as if that's your responsibility! They should only have the amount of children they can afford and shouldn't rely on you making sacrifices to provide free childcare.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/02/2016 05:58

Plenty of us manage to have more than one child in spite of no grandparental support. If they genuinely want a sibling for their first, they will find a way just fine. :)

Moving15 · 05/02/2016 06:24

Wow, I'd love to have a grandmother like you in my children's life! All that money I would have saved on childcare! The reality is that my parents haven't even babysit once as they say they are too busy and my mother in law will occasionally, once or twice a year, but never to help with us going to work.
What you provide is the other extreme!

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