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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

283 replies

SparkleSoiree · 31/01/2016 23:37

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 02/02/2016 08:09

I would let them know sooner rather than later that if another child came along, it wouldn't be sustainable. That way there can be no surprise baby or childcare situation.

I have to say I am a bit mystified how all this came about, perhaps it was only by doing so much childcare you discovered it was too much. Your son does sound presumptuous- there's no actual issue here, in that of course you are not obliged to look after your GC, only what you have allowed to develop.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/02/2016 08:09

Cats, in an emergency or hospital appointment yes but for anything else it shouldn't be expected. They get no say in having grandchildren and should be free to live their life as they want having raised thier own children to adulthood.

I've seen many exhausted from daily childcare, babysitting at weekends or even left with them for days on end as parents say they need a break. If they say no they are accused of being selfish and worry they won't see the children again.

Grandparents can have a wonderful relationship with grandchildren without providing childcare. Less pressure and resentment.

MrsRedFly · 02/02/2016 09:18

My parents became grandparents at age 60 (older than you) I knew that they liked to go on lots of holidays throughout the year, do lots of sports & see friends

They said that they couldn't help with childcare - however they offered to pay 1 day childcare per week which was more helpful & they get to babysit see grandchildren when it suits them!

That might be an idea for you ? ( it was approx £40 per week 10 years ago)

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 09:32

Autumn what if they want to help?

StillYummy · 02/02/2016 09:38

Why should a grandparent pay towards child care though? Nice if they want to but don't feel like you need to pay of you can't help op.

MissBattleaxe · 02/02/2016 10:44

My parents do most of my childcare, they offered though so I didn't expect it

You should keep checking they are OK with it. The difference between offering and actually doing it full time is huge and exhausting.

MissBattleaxe · 02/02/2016 10:45

I totally agree with you Autumn.

GreenTomatoJam · 02/02/2016 10:58

My MIL sat me down when we had our second, and told me a tale of a friend of hers who was in the position you're in, and it was wearing her into the ground.

After the story, she fixed me with her eyes, and said that she never wanted to do that.

I appreciated her forthrightness - and had never intended to use her like that anyway.

OP, you need to do the same - you have kids yourself still who need to do non-toddler things and spend time with you, you have yourself to look after - you're only halfway through your own life yet for goodness sake - no-where near time to wind down!

TheCatsMeow · 02/02/2016 13:02

Miss they're perfectly welcome to tell me they can't do it, and I always check before doing any extra that they're fine with it.

They enjoy looking after my DS so most of the time it is fine

Fishface77 · 04/02/2016 17:22

Did you have a word op?

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 17:57

Hello. Smile

I have.

I kept it relaxed and began discussing my education plans this year, that it's a full-time course and I'm really looking forward to throwing myself into it. DDIL then left the room. I went on to ask DS about DGD's nursery place and whether they were considering settling her in there before trying for another baby. DS made a comment that I clearly NOW wasn't available to help with childcare so it will have to wait much longer than they wanted to. I said that his plans shouldn't count on us because our lives are changing and moving in a direction that we have both wanted so it would be better for them to know that now, rather than later. Then came the killer line under the guise of humour.... "DGD will just have to remain an only child without siblings..." ha ha.

I feel better for having taken a bit of control in this situation in terms of making sure they don't end up making a mistake because of something I haven't done but also that it's laying the path for DH and I to move forward too in our own lives.

OP posts:
magoria · 04/02/2016 18:00

Good for you.

Make sure you don't fall for the emotional blackmail!

Purplepicnic · 04/02/2016 18:04

Good work OP. Now you just kindly but firmly hold the line

Hygge · 04/02/2016 18:08

Well there are worse things to be than an only child without siblings.

I hope anyway, DS is an only and seems fine.

I had an older brother and wished I didn't.

The good thing is you've spoken to them now. You all know where you stand, and they seem to have realised that they cannot plan to have more children on the assumption that you are willing and able provide unlimited free childcare to an increasing amount of grandchildren, but without even thinking to ask you how you feel about it.

Especially as you still have younger children of your own, your plans, your career, your new college course and so much more already going on. Good luck with all of that, I hope it all goes well for you. And well done for gently letting them know how you feel about this. It's not easy but it sounds like you did it really well.

JizzyStradlin · 04/02/2016 18:44

They've got a fucking cheek. I come from a family that does a lot of childcare in house, as it were, and have had a fair amount of help myself. So I don't share the typical MN twitchiness about grandparent childcare. But they're being dicks to assume and make swipes about it. If they can't afford two lots of childcare costs, they'll have to do what plenty of other people without family help have to do and wait until the eldest is in school. If they were late 30s, I might have some sympathy. But time is very much on their side.

ChickyChickyParmParm · 04/02/2016 18:51

"DGD will just have to remain an only child without siblings..."

Hmm

Yeah, or you'll have to sort out childcare off your own back like most of us.

Good for you OP.

SeptemberFlowers · 04/02/2016 18:57

Shock Wow just wow !

I can't believe your own son is laying on the emotional blackmail like that !

Good for you for saying something now. They had their dc so now they have to step up.

Fishface77 · 04/02/2016 19:00

Good for you op! You sound lovely and rational, they're lucky to have you. Do you ever wonder where they learn their....self centredness for lack of a better word? My sis in law has similar problems with her 3 DC but she was (and is) a great mum who took no crap!

suzannecaravaggio · 04/02/2016 19:02

it really does sound as if they believe you have a duty to prioritize their wants and aspirations.

is this a generational thing?
I suppose if all their peers have parents who provide free childcare they are bound to feel disadvantaged?

MissBattleaxe · 04/02/2016 19:02

They will have to make a decision. Either carry on working and pay double childcare fees, or one of them takes a few years out to stay at home until they are school age. If they do the latter, perhaps they will realise that actually, it's very hard work looking after children all day every day and with any luck they might appreciate you.

They are both massively entitled to be irked that someone won't look after their children for them gratis when they make no effort to do it or pay for it their bloody selves.

It is not a birthright to have your parents stay at home with your children.

fastingmum123 · 04/02/2016 19:04

You don't have to do the childcare my mum is 50 and my children are 11, 8 and 5. She was 39 when I had my first (she had me at 17) she had a full time job and is enjoying life now my siblings and I are adults. I would never have dreamed of expecting her to do any childcare for me. She does take them out from time to time but that's to do fun grandparent stuff.

I think you really need to talk to them before they have another child it's not fair for you to be expected to do the childcare and if you don't say anything they will just expect it of you.

fastingmum123 · 04/02/2016 19:07

Just seen your last post well done for taking control its not fair for the underhand emotional blackmail from your ds!

Muskateersmummy · 04/02/2016 19:11

Well done for having the conversation. Many a true word is said in jest, don't let him make you feel guilty. My dd will be an only child.... She doesn't seem particularly distressed by it!

leelu66 · 04/02/2016 19:13

nicely done, OP. why did DIL leave the room, may I ask?

HermioneWeasley · 04/02/2016 19:24

OP, how did such a lovely, sensible woman as yourself raise such a self centred tit?

Well done for standing up for yourself!

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