To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

Please say something now.

My sister was a grandmother at a very similar age to you as she had one child when she was young, she also had two when she was older. It means she has spent 19 years providing childcare all the time for her four granddaughters as they are spread over that age range. She feels as if she needs to do the same amount of childcare for each child. She loves them all dearly but deep down is very resentful. We are talking every week and also overnight.

She won't even come to stay with me because it is inconvenient for her DS and his wife.

She is a total granny martyr.

I did this to my mum, in a way. When DS was born, I was 24, my mum was 49, and my sister was 14.

Difference was that I never 'expected' childcare. I've gratefully received what's been offered (sometimes lots - she had him two evenings a week for 3 hours, between the ages of 5-11 months while I finished my degree; sometimes not so much - over the last year or so she's probably averaged just under one weekend afternoon each month) but I've always been reluctant to ask - and when I have asked, I've always v much understood it to be a favour she could say no to. I also had plenty of credit in the bank because I'd done loads of babysitting of my sister by then.

YANBU at all to not want to provide free childcare. But surely you need to tell him that, not us. He ought to be more considerate, yes, but apparently he's not - and he's also not a mind-reader.

I don't think YABU in how you are feeling, but I do think YABU to complain about feeling put upon if you haven't told your DS and DIL.

They've made you aware they may be planning a second child, perhaps they dropped that into conversation to give you the opportunity to raise the childcare issue? If you don't tell them, how are they supposed to know?

i think communication is the problem here. Decide with your DH what you are prepared to offer in terms of childcare, babysitting etc. Then let your DS and DIL know so that they can look at their plans and budgets.

I suppose it can happen when you have children young you become a young grandparent, my mil had DP at 21 and now at 48 she is a granny!

If you don't want to be tied down to childcare, understandable, then tell them now. They could afford childcare if they have to, it's expensive, but that's what children are.

Don't enable this.
Say no.
You've made it very easy for them to think about having another one because of all the support you've given.

Step back now.

You are never unreasonable to feel a certain way. Only your actions can be unreasonable. For example, if you were to say this OP to your DS YWBU. But your feelings are your feelings. No one should judge you for having them. Well done for sharing them.

YABU to think he should have consulted you (I mean, who does that?), but YANBU to not be happy with the current situation, nor with the expectation that you will carry on with their future children.

But you must talk to them! Have a sit down discussion with them both and explain that you don't feel able to carry on looking after more and more of their children, to enable them to work, when you had other plans that you have effectively had to shelve to facilitate their plans!

They will have to work it out the same way that anyone who doesn't have willing grandparents does - either have fewer children, or change the work situation if at all possible so that either one of them stays at home, or they find the funds for childcare.

The consult your mother before having a baby thing just reminded me that when my dad was told we were expecting DC3 he said "well for gods sake don't have any more after this or your mother will never cope"

My parents live in a different country and had never, ever, even once, been let on their own with my kids, let alone asked to provide any child care at all in any form ever... When asked what he meant he muttered about having to remember birthdays

Very odd...

You need to talk to them about their assumptions.

Was your own DS cared for by his grandparents when you were a young mum, has this shaped his expectations?

I'm 21 and I just made my dad a grandad at 45, my half-sister is only 8 and he's separated from her mother, plus works a full time job and is currently moving back with his mother in order to look after her as she's had some health problems recently. DD is six months and not once have I asked for a babysitter, my dad has offers to babysit when she's older if me and DP want to go out for an evening (by older I mean in a couple of months when her sleeping is more regular).
He said he felt far too young throughout all of my pregnancy but was at the same time excited. Now DD is here he's getting used to it more
I don't think it's fair to expect free childcare. I have nothing against mums who want to work, but assuming people will look after your kids for free whilst you do so is another matter entirely. I would sit them down and tell them that you wouldn't be able to have a baby and a toddler and that you have plans within your own life that may not make you dependable for regular childcare anymore. If they can't afford childcare for two (or even one) or for your DIL to stay home then they may have to rethink whether they are in a stable enough financial situation to have another baby, as sad as that may be for them.

Haven't RTFT but this is the crux of the problem

What you have done though is helped to create this situation by allowing them to use you as unpaid childcare. Be blunt. Talk to your ds and tell him that there is no way you could look after a baby and toddler.

You need to be very frank now and tell them that due to various reasons you need to rethink things as they are.

A friend of mine took (slightly) early retirement to take an active role in her first grandchild's life. The plan was that she would drive 20 miles two mornings a week to her DD's house, look after baby and come home in the evening. The other GM was going to do the same. Several weeks into it the other GM pulled out, stating that she had underestimated the work a baby is etc. MY friend then stepped in, meaning that she was doing this 4 days a week. Her DD also leaves washing/ironing for her to do. Friend cannot book any random holidays. She also babysits some evenings (meaning that she has left the house at 7am and doesn't get home until 10pm) and also has them at weekends. Both children are nearly in school now and her DD has said they are thinking about TTC #3. Friend had to tell her that she is not fit to look after a very small baby anymore which didn't go down well.

Blimey grand

Your friend certainly has one of life's takers as a dd

Thank goodness she's told them

You have got to tell them now.

I have never expected my parents or pil to provide childcare. Until recently we didn't even live near them.

You need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

The problem isn't that you're a grandparent, the problem is the assumption made by your son and daughter-in-law that being a grandparent means that you are willing and able to provide unlimited free childcare- especially when you still have young children yourself.

I think you and the other grandmother might be wise to have a chat with one another and with your son/ DIL before she gets pregnant again.

I think most of us are happy to give our time and resources to older children (mine aren't that old yet) until they take us for granted.

YANBU

If you were my mum providing my childcare i would rather you just told me straight up what you wanted to do, it is not an expectation it is a bonus to have help.

Me and my other half work opposite shifts, my mum helps two days a week when there is a slight overlap, longest i think has been 6 hours. It is bloody hard work for her as she struggles but she went mad when i suggested putting dd into nursery for the most common time when she has her. It has put me iff trying for another few months as i dont want to try for another until dd is 18 months as by the time second is here dd will have free hours plus the three sessions a week we can afford for new baby. Our baby planning revolves around making it managable for mum!

YANBU. My parents have the kids at weekends quite often just for fun, but we've never asked for childcare in the week. That's our responsibility.

This is what happens when children have children.

Your DS is not a responsible adult if he has expectations of his parents like this.

He's young. He has options. The best one would be to wait until he has saved enough to be able to afford a second child.

only yes they are certainly taking the mic. The DD and her husband are both in very good jobs yet are very mean when it comes to christmas/birthdays. Our area is expensive for full time nursery so she has saved an absolute fortune. Once my friend was in hospital for a few days and started back with them the day after she came home. Her DD said she "could take it easy for a few days" meaning that she didn't have to do any cooking/cleaning/ironing.

My parents do my childcare while i work. They are both retired. Mil asked to do one day a week and my parents went mad. Saying she is unreliable (she is) and that i was taking the grandchildren away from them. My mum even said my dad does not get out of bed if he doesnt have the grandchildren (bit dramatic. He lies in). Ive looked at after achool clubs to ease the burden and i got yelled at for trying to take gc away. I occasionally put dd in breakfast club because she wants to. I get yelled at again. So you can see how very different my set up is! They are late 60s warly 70s so much older than you. You still have your own Children at home. Definitely make clear that this is short term arrangement and would not include a second gc.

I have noticed over the years though that grandparents are increasingly the ones who do school pickups rather than a parent or childminder. There is always one or two GP's in the class who seem to provide all childcare, and everyone looks at them and then feels hard done by that they only get weekends!

YANBU! There is no way I would expect my parents to do what is bring expected of you. You still have a young family if you're own after all. I would love my parents to have my children so I could work but I would never demand, expect or even ask for it. My parents have had their child rearing years and I don't think you should ever have children with the expectation of free childcare.

Similar situation though - my exp's mum gave up work on her late 40's to look after her d's gc and the father took redundancy in his early 50's to do the same because 'this is what our family do'. They have the gc even when the parents are not working sometimes and do most school runs etc This is what the grandparents before them had done. It was expected that the same would be done when my dd was born and they had a bit of a shock when they found out that I actually wanted to parent her myself!

God this is madness! I'm 44 and there is no way on earth I'm ready to be a grandparent! I've still got both my kids at home and one is quite little at 9.

Tell them it stops NOW. If I were you I'd be doing the odd evening once a month but I wouldn't be used as childcare. You're young, you're still raising your family. It's time to put your son straight on a few things

Get in there quickly before she gets pregnant thinking that it will be OK because of free childcare! YABU if you lead her to think you will continue to provide it. Mention how, in the next few years, you are looking forward to your 10-year-old becoming more self-sufficient so that you can go off for long holidays abroad, take up hiking every weekend, go out with your mates in the evening or get that lovely big Pitbull you've always wanted to take on long walks several times a day. And ask how they are going to manage when clearly she must be giving up work now.