To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

I'm really surprised by the amount of people who wouldn't offer to help out with regular childcare for gc. I wouldn't want to do it all but a day or two a week can be so rewarding for both parties. Obviously not everyone will want to, but I always thought it was quite commonplace, the messages here make it seem more unusual that gp's want to help out.

Like harverina said, my dm's relationship with my dd is so close now, she understands her routines and what's happening in her world and has a closeness that the other gp's who see her ad hoc don't have. It makes for a completely different and special relationship.

Even as they get more independent your two still at home need your help and support and you'd be knackered adding another baby to the arrangement.

Your son already had a lot of your time before the others came along its unfair that he's taking it away from them again now he's an adult.

I would not be happy about any of this.
Seeing that you asked I would want to re set boundaries and chat to them both that you are happy to be an occasional babysitter and spend time with the grandchild but you can't commit to a regular pattern. You could soften it by daying you don't want to be in a position where you are letting them down. Explain you have plans and places to see.

FWIW when I've talked to my lads about being a da ( one is 19 and 1 is 16 but both have serious girlfriends) I remind them they have to be in a good place financially and emotionally before they have kids and can they afford, clothes for the child, trips, child care etc. They are reminded to think before they settle down.

There is nothing wrong with gp babysitting if its all agreed and everyone is happy to do it but its ok to be gran and grandad and see the grandbabies as and when being a GP shouldn't come with expectations of childminding

Oh no, don't get me wrong mrsjay I don't think it should be expected. I just always thought a lot grandparents did want to.

They're a couple of cheeky buggers aren't they? If you don't want to/can't do it, you'll just have to tell them to make other arrangements

I think they're cheeky and you need to be firm and direct. In your position I don't think I'd want to do any regular childcare - you have your own young family!

Wow they are very lucky op! My mum had me young so was a granny at 37 but she had young children of her own and worked full time as did my dad so they were paying for childcare already. Then I met current partner and we have had 2 close together, his mum and dad are in 61 so no eligible to retire just yet and both work full time also so we have no family help and to be fair I wouldn't expect them to keep 2 especially with 18 months between them, they are hard work!

Luckily I work in healthcare and my manager has been really understanding so I have been able to work my hours so that I only need one day of childcare.

I have seen this happening more and more recently where people have had children and then grannies and parents are expected to keep the babies. I was speaking to my granny one day and one of her friends was saying that she was getting fed up of keeping her nephews baby but because she had offered a few times when they were stuck she was expected to do it every week!

Anyway the likelihood is I'll be a youngish granny but I'll still be working full time so will not be able to help but this will be set out from the beginning

It's not particularly your age that's led to this situation is it? I know grandparents in their 70s who are looking after toddlers and doing the school/nursery run. I suppose the difference is you could be expected to do it for longer.

My mother and exh's mother both did a day each when my dc were little (only one child at a time) and we worked around the rest of the time with paid childcare. That worked really well. They enjoyed it and it wasn't too much of a commitment for them.

I would say now what you are willing to offer and stick to it.

Yanbu but why did you say yes in the first place? If you feel so strongly then you need to tell DS that he will need childcare; lots of people manage

Your DS and DDil ABU here, not you! How incredibly presumptuous that you will step in and provide childcare! I say this as a mum to a 12 month old myself: I would never expect my parents/Pil to provide regular childcare. For one it's just not practical. What happens when you are sick or want to go on holiday? You need to talk to them now, with the other grandparent(s) and tell them it can't continue. The odd evening here and there, maybe fair enough, but not regular childcare. Either they pay for a nursery/childminder or one of them has to give up work (or reduce their hours). Childcare is their responsibility, not yours.

Sparkle the plans you descibed that you and your DH had planned for yourselves sound lovely.

But it was so sad to read that now your a Grandparent and are doing so much for your DGD that you and your DH don't feel your be able to do those things,like others said you need to speak to your DS and DDIL now,don't wait until they're expecting another baby.It sounds like you and your DH both have enough on your plates with work and 2 DC of your own at home that are still very young.

Would your DS and DDIL be able to work flexi time so that they could cover the childcare themselves?or even if they could arrange it so that they could cover 1 or 2 days themselves?

My Mum and Dad hardly ever helped out with childcare for my DC even when I was a single Mum to 4DC going to college and working.But I never expected them to,they did so much for my 2 older brothers children that they were exhausted,I hated seeing what it did to them.I'm alot younger than my brothers(they're 13 and 15 years older than me)so I was still at home(I became an aunt when I was 7)so I helped my parents out as much as I could when they were looking after my nephews and nieces,but my parents were still both working full time and in the end they pretty much raised my oldest brothers children for years.

But please don't think that if your not helping out all the time that you won't have a close relationship.My parents were(we lost my Mum nearly 2 years ago)and my Dad still is far closer to my 5DC than they ever were with my brothers children.My brothers children are all adults now but they've never stepped up to help they're Grandparents out(my parents)with anything but my 5DC do all the time.Even our littlest,DD8 will water the plants and help feed the Dogs when she goes to Nanny and Grandads.And it wasn't just my parents,my oldest brothers children didn't really go and visit they're other Nan and Grandad or offer to help them with anything neither.My other brothers children were a bit better for helping out but they never really did anything for they're other Nan and Grandad,despite them seeing they're other Nan so much and them both being so ill.

I think for my Nephews and Nieces and for my Mum and Dad it was more like a parent and child relationship rather than a grandchild and grandparent relationship.So they didn't just get to enjoy all the fun bits together because they were so worn out doing all the parenting bits.It's a real shame,it was for my Mum and Dad and it has been for my nephews and nieces.

I think that's always going to be a risk when you have your own DC young or very spaced out - there's always a possibility that you will become grandparents while you still have young children yourself. I would explain to your DS and DDIL what you are prepared to do with babysitting so that everyone is clear and they can plan what to do if they do decide to have another child.

YANBU OP. I think you just need to be honest with your DS and DIL (preferably before she gets pregnant again!) and say that you are finding it too much, and that you would like to move to just doing occasional babysitting rather than regular childcare. Explain that whilst you love your own kids and your grandchildren very much, you were looking forward to getting some more free time back and travelling, socialising more etc, and that the current arrangement is making you resentful. I know it's a difficult conversation to have, but actually free regular childcare is a huge ask of anyone, and it's unreasonable of them to just expect that you will be happy to do this because you are a grandparent. Give them a couple of months to make alternative arrangements and then set a date that you 'finish' your childcare role.

Not sure why a couple of people are berating OP for saying yes in the first place - often it isn't clear how something will turn out before you do it, and it's only the prospect of additional care that's triggered the rethink.

I read the title expecting to say YABU but you aren't! If they can't afford childcare for 1 child then I don't see why they would consider a second. I agree to tell them no now. I am lucky enough to be having grandparents help when I go back to work soon but I WILL BE sending them money to compensate and I'll be able to afford alternatives if it doesn't work out. They are lucky to have you!

My mum told me when I get married that she would love and care for my dc but she would never commit to regular childcare. I was a bit weirded out at the time because I had no idea what she really meant. Now I have dc and I'm really pleased she managed my expectations. She has a great relationship with my children and sees a lot of them and she will do adhoc or emergency childcare which I really appreciate.

No one has the right to expect you do do this. You should just say no or scale back to whatever you're happy with. I'm really astounded by this.

They'll get tax credits to help with childcare costs up to a joint income of £55k. If they're above that they might be able to get childcare vouchers from their employers.

It is stupidly expensive with childcare but something they have to factor in!

If they're above £55k and struggling with childcare costs then maybe one of them could stay at home with the DC's? If the higher earner is on say £25k they'd probably get tax credits etc for the other parent who stays at home.

I'm not saying that you should tell them what to do. Im only telling you this so you don't feel guilty for saying no, there are still loads of options out there for them!

Ask them how they're getting on with sorting out 'proper' childcare. Say you are happy to help out in an emergency, but they really need to sort it out.

Do it NOW before they are expecting another one. Talk to the other grandparent so they don't end up lumbered with full time care and can take the same approach of they want to.

I have already told my teenager I have no intention of being unpaid childcare if she ever has children. My MIL told us the same when we got married.

Did you consult your mother on whether she wanted to be a grandmother when you had your DS1? :o YABU about being a young grandmother because presumably you made your mum a young grandmother too!

However you are most definitely NBU about the child care - absolutely definitely have the conversation now. Your DS and DDIL might hav4 kids spread over the next 10 years, and just as their youngest reaches school age your other younger kids might also decide to start having kids - you could be doing grandparent child care non stop without a break from now until you are in your 20s if all your kids have lots of kids spread out age wise, and you set the precedent for providing significant amounts of regular child care every week... how will you be able to say no in 15 years when your youngest assumes you'll look after your 9th grandchild two days a week just like you did for the others, the younger of whom you're still doing school pick ups for...

Sadly it doesn't always work that way ettvatre. We don't qualify for tax credits, and wouldn't even if one of us stopped working. But with our commitments that we had pre-baby we would not have been able to afford to lose one of our incomes. We court afford childcare full time but it would have been incredibly tight, so dm helping out makes our lives a little better (it has to be said my dm does much less than the op). However it's not true to say that just because they don't get tax credits they can afford for one of them to suddenly stop working.

For me this comes down to communication, you need to be able to talk to one another. You need to be able to express its getting a bit much and they need to be able to work with you to find a plan that works for everyone. If you haven't told them it's too much they can't alter their arrangements accordingly.

Why don't you cut the umbilical cord and stop supporting your son financially as you mentioned?

You are well within your rights to say no to caring for their children but it's not your right to dictate when and how many kids they have.

Subsequently if they can't afford childcare then this may delay them from having another child which by the sounds of it would be sensible.

It's not right that they expected the grandmothers to do the childcare. I asked my mil with no pressure and she wanted to do it. 2nd child we asked again anew and she said she couldn't look after 2, which is well within her rights, and now the older one will be at nursery when she's looking after the youngest.

Personally wouldn't want my mil to pretend she can look after 2 at the same time if she couldn't and something terrible happen!

you could be doing grandparent childcare two days a week without any break from now until you are in your 70s* if all your kids have several kids and expect the same service, not 20s, typo...