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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

283 replies

SparkleSoiree · 31/01/2016 23:37

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

OP posts:
StitchesInTime · 01/02/2016 07:39

I agree that you definitely need to have a conversation with them - now, before they start TTC - about how you don't want to provide childcare.

Only1scoop · 01/02/2016 07:39

Yanbu
Especially if they have an expectation that you will have the newborn for them as well!! Make it clear you won't be able to.

Ledkr · 01/02/2016 07:41

I know exhausted grandparents whose grandchildren are dropped off as early as 7.00 a.m. They want to help their daughter and SIL because childcare is so expensive, - which it is, but then DD and SIL have moved house three times and every time they have to have new bathroom, kitchen etc. It pisses me off
Agreed but why is it just the mums that are being helped out?

MrsJayy · 01/02/2016 07:47

What would your son say if you said no,?

Ledkr · 01/02/2016 07:47

cat it's not being detached to not want to provide childcare for another generations of chikdren when youve already spent years raising your own.
There are other things in life that we might want to achieve.

MyBigFatGreekYoghurt · 01/02/2016 07:48

cat do you apply the same obligations to the menfolk? Because I see only mentions of GRANDMAS helping. Do you think this son sees raising his grandchildren as an extension of his duties when he is 60?

I doubt it.

Cat2014 · 01/02/2016 07:51

Of course ledkr, I don't plan to devote my life to it and would make a plan to ensure I get my own time too, I just think categorically not helping at all is a bit mean really. sorry!
Greekyoghurt - yes, definitely. Not just grandmas.

MrsJayy · 01/02/2016 07:51

Some of the girls I went to school with are grandparents twice over and they are pushing prams and doing nursery drop offs do you want to be doing that?

Klaptrap · 01/02/2016 07:52

Really you should have made it clear from the start that you didn't want to be a childminder - which is what my (retired) parents have done. Not that I would have expected free childcare from them for a moment. However I have waited until my 30s to start a family, as we are now financially stable enough to afford the associated costs. I really think your son and DIL have been rather irresponsible to have a child, and to be considering another, that they couldn't afford to raise without using family for free childcare. What would they plan to do if you and other Grandmother said no from the outset?

Yanbu OP, but you need to tell your son that the arrangement cannot go on as is ASAP!

Duckdeamon · 01/02/2016 07:52

Yanbu to no longer be willing to do as much childcare or not be willing to care for two small GC in the future.

They are being hugely U to "have expectations" of you as GPs, especially when you have young DC at home still!

MoonDuke · 01/02/2016 07:53

YANBU

but definitely make it clear ASAP!

My parents look after my 2 DC FT. We pay them as we would a nanny so we don't get a financial benefit, but we all love the set up.

In particular, I wanted to pay my parents to compensate for the lack of flexibility that comes with being tied in to my DC!

Every year we check they are ok to keep going. DH would like a 3rd DC (I'm not keen) and when I was talking to my mum she immediately said that they couldn't look after another little one, they were just too tired and that 2 is their limit. So now, when DH and I discuss having a 3rd or not, we always keep in mind that it will be without my parents doing childcare. We don't resent them for saying it at all - I'd far rather be told than have them resenting what they are doing.

We also organise holidays around their wants too. For example, we don't particularly want a holiday in April but my parents do so DH and I will take days off work to let the GPs go away.

BasinHaircut · 01/02/2016 07:55

MIL does one day per week for us (at her request, we didn't ask) because she wanted one on one time with her DGS. She still works part time but her partner works v long full time hours so she is happy to do this and we really appreciate it. We have had the conversation re is it still ok a few times, especially when we moved and it became a bit more of a pain for her.

They both retire this year though, so we are expecting things to change as I know they want to travel and good luck to them.

We are planning DC2 and are doing so on the basis that we get no free childcare. Things will be much tighter but that's our problem.

My DM made it clear that there would be no childcare provided to me and my siblings because if she does it for one, she has to do it for the others, and that could get out of hand. She wants to enjoy retirement and fair play.

Personally I think that if you expect grandparents to shoulder much of the burden (I.e. Childcare), then they absolutely should be part of the decision making process.

And even if you get agreement to free childcare, you still need to plan as if that arrangement could stop at any time. It just doesn't make any sense to ever plan for the 'best case scenario', especially where affording children is concerned.

MrsJayy · 01/02/2016 07:58

See that is respectful [moonduke] everybody is honest everybody is happy nobody is resentful

PurportedFeminist · 01/02/2016 07:59

I was a mother of two by 25 so I suppose it's possible that I could become a grandma at a similar age to you OP.

IF that happens there is NO WAY I'd be providing regular daytime childcare. You shouldn't either, if you don't really want to. Your DS DDil will manage, like we all did. Don't martyr yourself to something that is not your responsibility.

Fratelli · 01/02/2016 08:04

Yanbu at all. All ds's grandparents work so dp and I work our shifts around each other to avoid childcare costs. Yes it's tiring but it's only for a short time until I move into a better paid position. He's our baby and we should be making the sacrifices, not gps.

MrsJayy · 01/02/2016 08:05

I could be a gran I don't think I'd be able to go back to baboes\toddlers on a regular basis

Harverina · 01/02/2016 08:05

Yanbu but it is a tricky one.

On the one hand you need to consider how important it is to you to have a relationship with your grandchildren. My mil pointed out that one of the motivating factors in her agreeing to look after my dd's when I went back to work was spending time with them regularly without me or dh being there. Because of that they are incredibly close and this type of relationship can't be replicated by seeing them now and again on an ad hoc basis. My mil likes that she knows their routines etc.

The flip side though is that you are still young - when I am 43 I hope that I will be back in a position to start focusing on my career. I have two young dd under the age of 6 and while my career has progressed since they were born I can't give it what I need to or what I want to because my dd of course come first (and always will but hopefully it will be a little easier then...)

Anyway I'm not much help! But I would love to be able to help my dd if and when they have children. As a working parent I know how hard it can be. Not only in relation to finances but also - I know I feel a hundred times better on the days that my dd's are with heir grandparents and not in childcare.

MrsJayy · 01/02/2016 08:06

Babies*

BlondeOnATreadmill · 01/02/2016 08:11

Well, I supposed there was always a reasonable chance that this would happen, given that you have had a massive age gap between your children.

It sounds a though you had a 15 year gap (ish). That's a big gap and tbh, I would have anticipated this situation arising.

Had you not had the younger one, and you only had adult children now, then I am guessing you would be more receptive to doing some childcare for your grandchild.

You can't really criticise your son for having a family at a young age, as you did the same.

And Young parent = young grandparent, no?

Having said all of this, it isn't right that they assume free childcare from you. I'd say the same if you were 60 and retired. It's your time and it's up to you how you spend it. You are going to have to sit them down now, and tell them what you can manage, so that they have realistic expectations.

On the plus side, how lovely to be such a young Nan. You will see your GC get married, have kids of their own etc. This is a real bonus. I know a few ladies your age, that have just had their first child! They will be in their 60's when their kids reach adulthood. They will most likely never meet their GC. So, there is a silver lining for you, right there.

wotoodoo · 01/02/2016 08:16

I would approach your son from the happy angle that you are going to be doing things you've been wanting to do for ages: study, work, take up x,y,z and keep it positive!

If he is not happy for you that would show he is basically self entitled and sefish.

That would tell you he is just taking you for granted and nipping it in the bud would be the best thing now.

Fwiw my parents have never helped us with childcare, they are too busy going on cruises 2 or 3 times a year and that is their choice.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2016 08:16

Tell him now that you would like to cut back on the previously agreed days and review it again in six months (or whatever suits you) with a view to him taking over the childcare responsibilities.

This will ensure that they don't assume you will look after any future children and also pave the way to freeing up your time.

But if you choose to carry on like you have been because you want to, then you can't really complain about it can you.

wotoodoo · 01/02/2016 08:17

I would approach your son from the happy angle that you are going to be doing things you've been wanting to do for ages: study, work, take up x,y,z and keep it positive!

If he is not happy for you that would show he is basically self entitled and sefish.

That would tell you he is just taking you for granted and nipping it in the bud would be the best thing now.

Fwiw my parents have never helped us with childcare, they are too busy going on cruises 2 or 3 times a year and that is their choice.

Catsize · 01/02/2016 08:19

OP, being blunt, your son and his partner are being irresponsible and taking you for a bit of a ride. I am assuming first child was planned, second certainly seems to be. My brother and his wife were the same. Got pregnant (planned), assumed our parents would want to help out (wrong) and relied on another family member for childcare three days a week. Had a second child on the asumption that this would continue. It didn't. Family member decided she wanted her own life back.
My parents made clear years ago that they would not look after any grandchildren except on a very occasional 'emergency' basis. Clearly my brother chose not to listen! In four years, they have babysat for us twice. Including once when we went to marriage guidance - hardly a night on the tiles! Have done for for my slightly useless brother, but still keep themselves at a distance.
Perhaps suggest to your son that they cut their cloth accordingly. If they can't afford to have another child now, then at least they hopefully have time on their side.

Katenka · 01/02/2016 08:20

The problem isn't that he had a child young. That's his business.

However the problem is that he expects you take care of the child, while you still have children of your own.

I understand this to some degree. Dbro expects mum to have his whenever he or sil require. Even if that means not going to work. They seem to have no concept that our parents are not obliged to babysit their children. They don't ever consider mums circumstances. At all.

They recently put their son in a nursery 40 minutes drive away with the expectation that mum or dad will pick him up. Even though he will be there on the days dad always works and mum usually works.

I believe when you have kids you can not expect anyone else to be regular childcare and it's unfair to do so.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 01/02/2016 08:20

My dd's grandparents also provide childcare, but we have consulted them repeatedly about it since I first got pregnant. Recently one has said it's getting a bit much, and so it has been agreed that in six months time we're switching to full time nursery. Any second child will have to be full time nursery too.

The original objective (a good relationship between dd and her grandparents) has been achieved,and now they want to be 'holidays and days out' grandparents, which is great.

Don't sleepwalk into things like this. Good luck.