To think DS should have consulted me about his baby-making plans before making me a grandparent?

[SparkleSoiree]

Ok, his life, his baby.

BUT I've been a grandparent for nearly 2 years now and I just cannot get my head around the fact I'm a grandparent in my early 40s! DS and DDil have myself and DDil's mum provide all their free childcare and any evening babysitting services but I still have 2 children of my own at home (one under 10) and I've not finished raising them yet. We always receive thanks when DGD is picked up. DS and DSil have certain expectations of DH and I as grandparents (obviously) but we never planned to be allocating any of our time to childcare for grandchildren at this stage in our lives when both still working towards our own goals before retirement.

I love my son and his wife and we have always been there for them financially and emotionally but we are at a stage in our lives where we wanted to enjoy more time for ourselves travelling, socialising etc, especially as our youngest is getting a bit older. Now it's filled with regular childcare and the expectation that we should be settling down with pipe and slippers! I was looking forward to my life beginning again! We choose to help out with childcare because they cannot afford to both work otherwise and I know it's a choice we have made but they are thinking of having another one soon and the expectation is that the same arrangements will exist for both grandchildren together from around 3 months after baby's arrival. Goodness knows how that is going to play out because other nanny has already said she won't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler..

AIBU in feeling too young to be a grandparent and that DS shouldn't expect DH and I to abandon our life goals and start winding down our lives because 'that's what grandparents do" when grandkids come along? I haven't met any other women in my circle who are grandparents at the same age as myself so don't know if IABU.

I am, aren't i?

I'm in my 20's with two DC and I've given this situation quite a bit of thought. Right now I'm missing out on all the lovely holidays, career progression and socialising that my friends enjoy, but that's ok because I hope I'll be able to pick that up again when I'm in my 40's. I would be very unhappy if I got to that stage and then had to go through this all over again for the next generation, but the key thing is that with grandchildren it's a choice rather than a responsibility.

I'd be happy to chip in towards childcare costs to enable DS/DD to go back to work if that's what they wanted to do, to provide regular babysitting and days out so they could have a break and to have the grandchildren for a week or two over the holidays but absolutely not to give up my career or my freedom to become a childminder.

Ok, I've been reading all your replies - gratefully received thank you - and am really surprised at how many people agree with me in the childcare element of things. I thought I was being mean and it would come across that I didn't love my DGD if I was to refuse to have her. I also take on board the points that argue childcare enables GPs to build a closer bond with the child, yes.

GiddyZackHunt I think they could afford childcare for one child.

TheCraicdealer I agree, with hindsight, it does look like I've slept walked into this situation and agree with you, and others who have said it, that I need to have a discussion now.

Obsidianblackbirdmdknight I can see why you would think my attitude towards childcare costs is irritating but it's more a case that DS doesn't want to take parental leave (loves his job) and Ddil doesn't want extended maternity leave.

CauliflowerBalti One more would make all the difference because it would be a newborn. I know I have one under 10yrs old but a toddler and newborn would knacker me out and leave me nothing to look after my other two at the end of their school day.

confusedandemployed at your playgroup conversation - how heartless!

DreamonaStar DS is a very strong minded character and usually gets what he wants.

bakingcupcakes I'm always delighted to see DGD so you are correct in your thinking that they wouldn't know I'm concerned about a second arrival.

JizzystradlinDDIL doesn't want a long maternity leave, she says she would miss her job too much and needs something for her over and above being a parent.

MrsJayy If I said no DS would say he understands. However knowing him the way I do he would make a point of not asking me again as he would deem me unreliable.

MyBigFatGreekYoghurt I highly doubt he sees that as a task in his 60s!

Klaptrap In the beginning it didn't feel like childcare as such but the cumulative effect of having two in my schedule would begin to take it's tool quite quickly I believe. If I did not agree to looking after the second child then they would ask the other GP and I'm sure she would say yes.

Blondeonatreadmill Young parent, young grandparent. Yes, maybe you're right.

Waitingforsomething I said yes because DDIL returned to work 8-10weeks after the birth (IIRC). She and DS really wanted DGD to be cared for by GPs with her being so young as it would make them feel more comfortable. They didn't feel able to trust formal childcare providers at that point.

mummygiles When we're sick or going away they are usually understanding but then I give them lots of notice. I.e. We have confirmed dates for the remainder of this year and they know when we won't be around.

ontheholidays DDIL already works part-time and DS works 6 days a week, a condition of his contract and TBH I don't think he wants to change that because he enjoys being at his job.

schwabischeweihnachtskanne I didn't consult DM about making her a GP, I didn't even plan it myself!

Thisismypassword We cut the financial umbilical cord after we paid for his wedding and honeymoon.

ProfGrammaticus I've always worked and paid for my childcare in relation to all my children including DS so he hasn't seen a precedent set there. I was a single parent with DS and his childcare costs left me skint every week on my wage but I never expected my parents to do the childcare.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it has given me a totally different perspective and I can see I'm going to have to get firm with our position and plans going forward in order to manage expectations better with DS and DDIL.

I was kinda being tongue in cheek with 'what's one more...?' - I bet it's what your son will be thinking. You're already at home looking after children - LET'S TRY FOR TWINS!

I feel for you. Good luck.

Number 2 could be quads. Act now!

CauliflowerBalti & shinynewusername that is a very scary thought!!

They should be entitled to the 15 hours free childcare for the older one by the time number 2 comes around. Perhaps they need to change their priorities.

I think my brain just broke. Into many tiny pieces. They are expecting you to look after DGD because they want to have their cake & eat it, basically.

Your son loves his job, your DIL "needs" something beyond "just" being a mother?!

Jesus Mary & Joseph the pair of them want to catch themselves on the the fact they're not the centre of the universe & you don't exist to serve them. Jaysus.

They are exploiting you. They need to have a good think about their priorities. And their behaviour. You are clearly a very VERY lovely person & they are stomping all over you because they think what they want (& they've apparently got "want" & "need" confused so) matters more than anything else.

This needs to stop. If they want children it's up to them to make life changes, not you. As PPs have said, it's your own children you've to be thinking of most now - and then that well-earned break.

Of COURSE you can still be involved in DGD's life. You can still do ad-hoc care if you want & when you want. But that's the thing - it ought to be on your terms.

My Mummy's Mummy did a lot of childcare when I was wee. But she chose to move to be close to us to do exactly that; and we all went to playgroup & toddlergroup & nursery etc. And Granny was providing support because Mummy was ill. And IT WAS WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO. She was an older parent so she'd been retired a while, and she continued to have a life of her own as well. So really Not The Same.

Good luck talking to them about it. Be firm. Remember MN is with you - & that YANBU!

I think the key is to speak up, gently, now. I wouldn't say you can't manage 2, because your elder GC will have his free nursery place when a second comes along and so they might see it as meaning you can then take care of the younger. I might say that you love having DGC for now, but that once nursery starts you have commitments that mean you will need to scale right back on providing childcare while they are at work, and that you are telling them now so they have plenty of time to make plans.

I feel very sorry for you to be in this awkward position and feel taken advantage of. I hope the comments from others give you the confidence to speak up to your son and let him know you'll be scaling back the childcare. I agree with previous poster, it's about scaling back help, not refusing to look after 2 as you'll still have the younger one once the older one is in school. Plus you'd then be more readily for holidays. I really hope you can sort it and keep a good relationship with your son. I think grandparents are for treats, support and love, not childcare. Scaling back the help won't break any bond you have with the GC as you'll still be the granny they love. I think your life chapter is now for winding parental commitments, enjoying hobbies and finding passions to enjoy in your retirement. You shouldn't be spending your days acting as granny childcare. I really disagree with grandparent childcare though. Your boundary is blurred and your taken advantage of. Fingers crossed for you. Emergency care holiday care and babysitting are what you should offer, not be the person saving them £££ on childcare. It must surely cost you a lot to look after their child!

YABU in the literal sense that you think you should be consulted before your DS and DIL TTC.
No one does that!

However
Despite adoring your DGC, you are clearly not happy with the status quo. The "expectation" of free childcare is absolutely wrong. You are living your own life and caring for your own still young DC.

So stop being the carer for your DGC on such a regular basis.

They are expecting you to put up with no cake and no time to eat cake anyway, so that they can have their cake and eat it!

We cut the financial umbilical cord after we paid for his wedding and honeymoon.

Erm....nope. You didn't. You're providing free childcare!!

In 197...cough...cough...splutter, my mother went back to work when I was REALLY tiny (no mat leave to speak of and she'd used all her annual leave) and my parents had me booked into a nursery. My paternal DGM had kittens suggested that I might be better off be in a family environment. My parents then PAID her to effectively be my childminder. My DGF was 15 years older than her and in poor health for 28 years and not nearly as poor as he'd have had us all believe so when I was 18 months old, and DM was pregnant with DSis, she said that really, a newborn and a toddler (as perfect as I was mind you) would be too much with DGF as well so she'd couldn't do it anymore. Fair enough said my parents, and off I toddled to a childminder, swiftly followed by DSis and eventually by DB.

I had a fabulous relationship with my wonderful DGM. She died when I was 18, taken far too young by the bastard cancer - the fact that she didn't provide childcare later on had no effect on that whatsoever!

I agree with others who say that your DS and DDIL are being entitled. But in fairness to them, you've kind of let them away with it and it sounds like they need a bit of a wake up call.

Good luck!

It's about time your ds and dil do what a lot of us do and look into nurseries, childminders and finances.

I would never expect my pil to provide childcare. It's bloody cheeky. My pil do the odd bit of babysitting, there are times we've had to ask them, but never on a regular basis. They go to nursery.

Your ds needs to realise you have a life of your own and your own smaller dc to look after. If he wants another dc he needs to work out how he's going to afford childcare for it. 'Granny will do it' is not the answer.

I think having read your replies it's not a money issue for your DS and DDil. It's fine for them to want those things (DS loving his job, and DDil wanting more than just being a mummy) but it's unfair to expect that you should be the thing that facilitates that. DDil could still have a job the gives her more than just being mummy (a concept I totally understand) by working part time for example. Definitely time to have a chat and explain how you are feeling.

YANBU re childcare, but I think to be a grandparent in your 40s is fab! I'm in my 40s with a five year old daughter....I'll be a right old fart when she reaches childbearing age!

YABU to think your DS should have consulted you before making you a grandparent, YANBU for not wanting to be the DCs child minder though.

My dbro has just had a similar response from his MIL when they announced they were due their 2nd. She was providing childcare two days a week, but she has said that as much as she loves looking after one, she is at her limits. She cannot cope with looking after 2. So when dsil goes back to work they will be putting both into childcare.

They're not offended. It's the practicalities of the situation.

I would sit down with ds and dsil, and say, "I need to talk about the childcare situation. I really love having dgd here, but in all honesty, between that and looking after the other dcs, I'm finding it all a lot more exhausting than I thought I would.

"So I think it's only fair to dgd and any future gc, to say that whilst I am more than happy to help out with emergency childcare and some babysitting, I just can't commit to being regular childcare anymore.

"This year I'm taking on that course as well, so I'm already more stretched than I was last year. I hope you both understand. It's been so difficult bringing this up with you. But then I realised that you're both responsible adults, you will always put your dcs first, you care about my health, and I was being ridiculous trying to avoid it. Because the sooner I spoke to you, the sooner you'd be able to make plans for what is best for you and dgd."

It bugs me that some people assume that their parents will take on childcare for them! YANBU to put a stop to it

Fuzzpig, me too! Is it a new thing over the past decade with rising childcare cost and stagnant income? It didn't seem to be as much of an issue when I was younger. If it was offered option there but never seemed to be something grandparents were pressured into.

I love beings grandmother and i lovespending time with my husband . Sometimes I combine both activities. He's a step grandad btw.

We also value our own time and in our 60s we need it.
When approached by a relative to see if we couldchild mind so they've
Could work I had to Say no at the very outset. We have a caravan and if the weathers nice off we go. I couldn't let them down at the last minute could I ?

My motto is emergencies only. We are away a lot anyway so it never really came into it.

Explain. I'm sure they'll understand. It's the best way to keep a friendship.

My mother had my eldest sister at 21 who went on to have her eldest at 21. So mum was Grandma at 42. The next sister down then had a child, then the first daughter had another - by the time mum was 45 (and I was only 8) there were 4 grandchildren. The only minding my mum did was the occasional Saturday night so that the two oldest daughters and their husbands could have a night out. The grandchildren would be put to sleep in various carrycots/prams/on the sofa and collected when the pub closed at 11. I would sit in the middle of the mass of sleeping toddlers/babies with my Saturday night crisps and cream soda.
Both my sis would have said my mum was the biggest ever support to them and had a very good relationship with my parents but accepted that she had two children of her own still to sort out, a job to do, and Bingo to attend.
A frank discussion or some direct action is needed.

Total what a wonderful image you've conjured up. Sounds like a fabulous family.

I think how FuckYouChris puts it is really good.

You need to do if kindly but firmly so they know exactly where you stand.

Your son wants to work 6 days a week and your DIL 4 because they "enjoy it".

Enjoy it more than the sheer hard work of looking after small children no doubt..

Time they stepped up.