Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

When you say you're going to make ultimatums - what are those going to be?

Thanks Laguna yes I've just caught up.

Entirely your choice to accept his behaviour.

But a 43 year old man puking and pissing everywhere 3 Sunday mornings out of 5 - and you fuck this man? You find him attractive? Not to mention how much he must spend getting wasted the majority of the weekends. And calling the hospitals/police? Why would you do that? He's a piss head and you put up with it. Don't waste their time.

He's going to be no use to you all day - a weekend wasted. And this is your relationship. This is your life.

Do you think it's time to look at what is happening here and what you want life to be like for you?

Why aren't you really fucking angry?

If you think it's crap now, your future is even bleaker being with this imbecile. It's far from normal for a 43 year old to be staying out all night, pissing everywhere, so gross. Stop wasting your life.

Three weekends since Christmas? ? That's beyond the realms of normal.

OP this sounds like a pretty grim situation for you. Many men, and indeed women, on occasion, stay out all night. However, 3 weekends out of 5 is extreme behaviour. You need to make steps to resolve this in some way. What is your situation re children/housing/how long have you been together?

You do need to do something about this. This is not normal.

No really. There genuinely is a difference. You telling me that the lads out every Saturday night drinking themselves to oblivion are all alcoholics? I wouldn't put up with it from my 43-year old partner. But it doesn't automatically make him an alcoholic.

He could just be a dick.

CauliflowerBalti

There's a difference between being an alcoholic, someone who drinks every day, and someone who enjoys a night out with his mates too much and doesn't know when to stop.

My ex-h was the latter. If he'd had the money he'd have done the same. He wasn't an alcoholic.

This is uniformed dangerous rubbish I'm afraid. This is binge alcoholism. Not being able to stop is alcoholism.

Peddling this rubbish is dangerous because it is precisely the way binge alcoholics delude themselves into thinking they aren't alcoholics.
"I don't have to drink"
"I don't need a drink for breakfast"
"I can take it or leave it"
"I don't drink every day"

It is a terrible thing for someone in that position to have their partner agreeing that "he isn't an alcoholic". Binge alcoholics are still alcoholics.

Your ex-h obviously was an alcoholic and it sounds very much like OP's partner is too.

We've been together for six years and have no kids. I've just turned 31, he's 43. He's currently lying on the sofa, not too drunk.

To anyone saying I wasted police and hospital time, I made a couple of very quick phone calls where they ran his name through the system and told me he wasn't logged. Both calls took less then two minutes each. Worth it for peace of mind. Yes, he goes out a lot but one rogue punch from a drunken idiot can kill.

But if he doesn't have a stop button and drinks himself into oblivion, I would call that a drink problem.

Definitely taking these comments on board though. He has had a very stern talking to and I've told him that he has to be in by three am or I'm double locking the door.

Also, I didn't call his friends, I'm not that anti social! I sent his best friend a very polite and friendly Facebook message and that was it.

He has a drink problem for sure. He doesn't know when to stop.

You telling me that the lads out every Saturday night drinking themselves to oblivion are all alcoholics?

Some of them probably will be.

Depends whether they can stop or not. For plenty of people once they start drinking, they actually can't stop. Can't have two pints or two glasses of wine and go home. Or turn to soft drinks. This is binge alcoholism.

Whatever you say, if an individual "doesn't know when to stop" and actually "can't stop" regularly, they are almost certainly a binge alcoholic.

This is serious issue and stop spouting dangerous clap-trap. It's people like you that encourage and foster the binge alcoholic's belief that they don't have a problem.

Why does he go out without you on a Saturday? A stern talking to isn't going to change things.

Why can't the two of you go out for a meal or to the cinema instead of him going an all night drinking session with his mates? Do you stay in on your own like the little woman who isn't allowed out?

Have you ever contacted Al Anon OP? www.al-anonuk.org.uk

"We've been together for six years and have no kids. I've just turned 31, he's 43. He's currently lying on the sofa, not too drunk."

Do you want children one day? If so, please don't waste any more of your life with this man. He is an alcoholic and not life partner material, let alone father material.

You've set a curfew (which he'll never stick to, btw) not an ultimatum. An ultimatum would be: You're an alcoholic. Accept it and get help or I'm leaving you.
THEN FOLLOW THROUGH.
You leaving might be the wake up call he needs. It might not. But not leaving means that you're enabling his alcoholism. You're accepting his behaviour. Is that really you want for the rest of your life?

You're not his mum. He's old enough to be a grandad, old enough to manage his own behaviour. If you don't like it all you can do is tell him abd see if he choses to change. And if not you have no need to spend time with him.

I assume he's not just drinking if he regularly stays up all night long - must be drugs in the picture or he'd have superhuman stamina!

He has a drink problem for sure. He doesn't know when to stop

He's an alcoholic. He can't stop, its got nothing to do with not being able to handle his Strongbow.

Look, an alcoholic is physically dependent on alcohol and cannot function without it. A habitual binge drinker is a dickhead. Our knowledge of the situation is that he has been on 3 benders in 5 weeks. Does he drink in the week? Does he hide it from you - or try to?

Not saying it isn't a problem. It really is. But equally not saying it's alcoholism. How can we assume that from what we know? My ex-h was not an alcoholic. He was an immature twat.

Cauliflower your knowledge of alcohol addiction is quite outdated

OP and Cauliflower, you may find this helpful: Alcohol misuse (NHS)

"My ex-h was not an alcoholic. He was an immature twat."

But the effect on you was the same wasn't it?

I do get what you're saying, to be honest: no, we can't know from reading this thread what the OP's partner's exact problem is but we know the effect that problem is having on the OP. So does it matter in this case whether the OP's partners is actually an alcoholic or is actually an immature twat (and let's face it, they're not mutually exclusive!)?

In either case, she still can't control his behaviour, only he can make those changes happen, so all we can do is advise her on how to ensure that his behaviour doesn't impinge on her any further in the way it is already doing, sadly.

Unfortunately cauliflower, you are not correct there. Someone who thinks it is ok to regularly drink so much it makes them piss and puke everywhere is an alcoholic. They can't moderate their alcohol intake and as a result they get into such a state they can't control their bodily functions. One off when you are a teen and learning your limits yes. When you are an adult of 43 with years of experience, no. Plus, I would bet my bottom dollar he drinks more often than that and goes totally overboard at the weekend.

Cauliflower do you not grasp the definition of an alcoholic is someone who needs alcohol to function? And he clearly cannot function without it on nights out with the lads, nor stop using it fully aware of the upset it causes his partner. If it walks like a duck...