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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 31/01/2016 10:17

Don't blame his behaviour on yourself! No one makes him go out and drink so much he pisses and pukes everywhere (which is totally disgusting). He chooses this behaviour.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 10:18

She's not a drama llama being concerned - there is a distinct possibility he will kill himself one day choking on his vomit/falling into the path of a car/passing out in the cold. This type of living is a nightmare and has you awake all night worrying.

NickiFury · 31/01/2016 10:19

He may well have charged his phone overnight but I will bet my bank account that he switched it off too.

Don't worry about the attacks and calling you a drama llama. People who say things like that haven't experienced the drip drip drip of an inconsiderate man and how sometimes he's so lovely that you feel that you can't make a fuss at the times when he's a complete wanker. You can though you know.

I think though that he was always going to turn up and I also think he won't stop this, old dogs, new tricks and all that.

My ex was with other women when he stayed out. If he wasn't he got home no matter how drunk he was. I would be on the alert for that if I were you to he honest.

zzzzz · 31/01/2016 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 31/01/2016 10:20

wow he sounds a real catch. Lucky you. Piss and everything.

Welcome to the rest of your life

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 10:20

"He has an issue with alcohol that I am pushing for him to get sorted."

"he's done this three weekends out of five since Christmas"

Nothing you can say or do will stop him drinking. SIL's husband is an alcoholic. He now has irreversible liver damage and dementia as a result. She has given up her life and freedom to look after him. This will be you in a few years time unless you decide that life has something better to offer you.

Your boyfriend will always put his desire for a drink before you.

He will be all contrite and try to make it up to you then he will do it again, and again, and again, and again.

You can't change him and you can't cure him and the sooner you understand that the better.

NickiFury · 31/01/2016 10:20

And it's not about YOU making him happy! WTF?! Sorry but that's a really silly thing to say; as though you are completely responsible for his statement of mind and must nurture him and keep him happy like some fragile orchid. He's a selfish wanker. That's ALL.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 10:21

I'm afraid bunbaker is right.

SkiptonLass2 · 31/01/2016 10:22

3 weekends out of 5, doing something that most people would either never do, or do only if they had no one at home to worry? I think the only times I've stayed out all night was when I was a student. To do it when you have a partner and kids at home is pretty cruel.

It's very selfish of him. You know you can't get him to kick the habit, only he can do that.

Flowers
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2016 10:23

3 weekends since xmas?
That's more than a problem with strongbow isn't it?

SelfLoathing · 31/01/2016 10:24

I've text him to say that he's done this three weekends out of five since Christmas now and that it's beyond a joke.

Three weekends out of five is a bit more than "form for doing this". It's standard and regular behaviour. It would be pretty ridiculous for a student but for a man of his age it's an embarrassment. His poor children having a role model like that.

He needs to get treatment/help for his drink problem and the underlying causes.

Lweji · 31/01/2016 10:25

Do you think an ultimatum will work?
If he can't control his drinking to the extent that if he has one then he gets completely wasted and comes back the next day, then he is an alcoholic.

Considering this, he should give up alcohol completely.
Do you think he'll recognise he has a problem? Will he want to give up drinking? Will he do it?

Do you want to live like this for the next 20 or more years?

Arkhamasylum · 31/01/2016 10:25

It's not within your power to make him happy, OP, and it's not your job. It was within his power to save you this, though. I hope he gets help, but if he doesn't, please look after yourself.

PosieReturningParker · 31/01/2016 10:27

He's 43 and acting like this?!

Wow, lucky you.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 10:28

Please listen to the good advice on here. I have seen how alcohol has destroyed my lovely SIL's life. She is utterly miserable and gets a week's respite now and again when she can afford to ship her waste of a space, pathetic excuse of a husband off to residential care so she can have a week off cleaning up the shit, piss and puke her husband makes everywhere.

I am not exaggerating. This is exactly how it is for her. He often goes out on his own and it has come to the point where half the family hope he steps out in front of a car or a train on the level crossing and never comes back.

This is your future unless you decide to end the relationship.

trufflesnout · 31/01/2016 10:28

Yeah, this is the sort of thing people do once when they're still working out their limits. 3/5 weekends at 43!? Ridiculous.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 10:31

We aren't having a go at you. Just spelling out the reality of living with an alcoholic, because he clearly has a drink problem.

Please look after yourself.

CauliflowerBalti · 31/01/2016 10:32

There's a difference between being an alcoholic, someone who drinks every day, and someone who enjoys a night out with his mates too much and doesn't know when to stop.

My ex-h was the latter. If he'd had the money he'd have done the same. He wasn't an alcoholic. He just had the same attitude to Saturday night as a teenage boy and an inability to hold his beer.

I'm not sure it makes much difference either way. Alcoholics can't change things without wanting to. Neither can immature selfish bastards. But having a problem with alcohol doesn't necessarily make you an alcoholic. Which is he?

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 31/01/2016 10:33

my feelings on this I think maybe you need to think deeply and carefully about what you want from this relationship maybe there is a good side to it that's keeping you bound to this man or perhaps you don't feel strong enough to walk away..either way it seems to me you need to sit him down and talk him through your worries if he does turn up..not now but when he's sober and don't get emotional or angry just let him know in a gentle and unconfrontational way that you cannot put up with it anymore.

Maybe then the difficult bit comes when if he does it again which presumably he probably will you have to make moves to leave him and be true to your word both to him and to yourself..worrying about him is clearly not getting you anywhere and in fairness probably isn't helping him either seems to me

CauliflowerBalti · 31/01/2016 10:33

I mean he'd have been out every weekend drinking himself sick.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 10:34

Why does he go out every Saturday without you anyway?

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 10:38

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic who will never change unless he wants to. I feel sorry for you.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2016 10:40

'There's a difference between being an alcoholic, someone who drinks every day, and someone who enjoys a night out with his mates too much and doesn't know when to stop. '

No, there isn't. Hmm

ToastDemon · 31/01/2016 10:40

I've been in the relationship you are. He used to go out, say it was for just a couple, stay out till all hours/all night, take drugs as well as the huge amounts of booze, switch off his phone... He was also not a youngster.

It drained the absolute life out of me. It was the most horrible mixture of worry and hurt and anger. Was also a delight having his fucking friends paint me as controlling and nagging for objecting to the behaviour.

I left him. I've now got a lovely DH who never drinks too much and has never in eight years pulled a stunt like that. And funnily enough as a result, I haven't fallen out of love with him.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 31/01/2016 10:40

Love, he's an alcoholic. It sounds like you know this. As everyone has said upthread; you can't control it, you can't cure it, and you definitely did not cause it. And not only is it not your job to make him happy, it's not in your gift to do that: his drinking has nothing to do with you - he drinks because he is an alcoholic. You can (and no doubt will, because you love him, and that's OK) spend loads of time and energy giving him (depending on the circumstances of any given moment) threats, advice, ultimatums, support, pointing him towards help, etc etc, but unless he accepts he has a problem and more importantly wants to sort that problem out (there are plenty of alcoholics who know they are alcoholics and don't give a fuck), his behaviour is not going to change. There is literally nothing you can do to make it change.

So, with that in mind, the onus is on you love to protect your own boundaries: you can't control his behaviour, you can only control the affect it has on you. People far more experienced than me will have plenty of advice for you but I would suggest, for yourself, you have a look at Al-Anon's website: it's a support group for people whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else's drinking.

Good luck love, you must be reeling a bit reading this thread at the moment.

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