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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Nishky · 31/01/2016 12:11

Please speak to Al-anon. Please.

ChewyGiraffe · 31/01/2016 12:11

Its all been said before by pp's, but again, if he's done this three weekends out of five since Christmas, that's obviously, like, MOST of the time. Please realise that its just not normal to spend your Sunday mornings worrying where the hell your OH is and ringing police/hospitals/friends trying find out. And the puking and pissing everywhere ... just too gross.

I think you're even more stressed out by it than you're letting on. Yes he may well need professional help, but you've got to ask yourself whether you want to be part of that and spend your life trying to fix a relapsing alcoholic?

When you say we've been together for six years and have no kids. I've just turned 31, he's 43. Do you want kids? I don't think he's really top dad material, is he, to be fair. Time to cut your losses and call it a day?

AnthonyBlanche · 31/01/2016 12:17

OP the next logical step is to dump the loser. Many years ago I was in a relationship with a man who behaved in a similar way. Best thing I ever did was to dump him and move on. It's not normal to go out for one drink at 10pm but come home at 6am the next day vomiting and incontinent.

AnthonyBlanche · 31/01/2016 12:21

Just to add, my life has improved beyond all recognition since I dumped the drunken arse. His on the other hand is much the same as it ever was, a series of car crash relationships, grown up children who think he's an arse etc etc. he has no real friends and is known for being an evening and weekend drunk.

Veritat · 31/01/2016 12:26

I've told him that he has to be in by three am or I'm double locking the door.

Why 3 a.m.? It'll just mean you're up till 3 wondering whether he'll come in, then up the rest of the night furious because he hasn't. Surely the point is that he's got to give the drunken nights out a complete miss for at least six months. If he wants to meet up with his friends, it has to be on the basis that he's on soft drinks and back by midnight.

BillSykesDog · 31/01/2016 12:31

Actually Sharon, that's not the meaning of a functioning alcoholic at all. A functioning alcoholic is somebody who is an alcoholic but still has a functioning life, eg a job, home, family, appears physically normal. This is as opposed to a 'non-functioning' alcoholic who has no job, is unable to work and could be homeless, lost family and friends, visibly has a problem which stops them functioning.

cauliflower is right. He's not an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an overwhelming physical addiction. As anybody who has tried to give up smoking can tell you that means an overwhelming and physical urge to drink which is almost impossible to overcome. Alcoholism is overwhelmingly not sporadic drinking but a pretty much constant pattern because of the physical addiction. Which is why alcoholism has dangerous withdrawal symptoms, because the body is used to functioning constantly in a state of drunkeness and withdraws when it's not.

He almost certainly has a drink problem, and a problem with impulse control after a drink. But these don't have to be the same as alcoholism and in this case clearly isn't.

cauliflower actually knows what she's talking about. And I'm sorry sharon but you just don't. You don't even know what a functioning alcoholic is.

hollyisalovelyname · 31/01/2016 12:33

You are a young ( ish) woman with huge potential. Do not waste your life on this man who does not appreciate you. He gies out 3 weekends out of 5 without you and gets wasted !
What are YOU getting from this relationship - apart from grief ?
You deserve better.
If he loved you he would try to get his act together and seek help for his addiction.
He has had a family, you haven't and perhaps wish to. He really doesn't seem too bothered about you. If you had children with him would he change????
You deserve better.

BillSykesDog · 31/01/2016 12:35

Incidentally OP, I agree you should dump him. This isn't a physical addiction, he's not compelled to do it. He knows what he's like after a few but he still chooses to do it and to put you through this which is just selfish.

This is the reason I don't drink. I love a drink, but am an appalling drunk and a nightmare for everyone I'm around and get myself in trouble. So I just can't drink, because to put people around me through that just for the sake of getting pissed is selfish.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 12:35

Have you noticed that all the responses on here from women who have shared your experiences have described the partner in question as an ex?

Food for thought eh?

CauliflowerBalti · 31/01/2016 12:42

God thank you BillSykesDog. You are more eloquent than me.

I'd still leave him, btw. I think it's almost worse if he isn't an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an illness. And it is treatable. Preferring to be out with the lads getting leathered every Saturday night when you're 43 is twattery.

I'm sorry OP. Whatever his problem is, whether it's a physical dependency or not, it makes your life miserable. You deserve a more considerate man.

zzzzz · 31/01/2016 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chchchchange · 31/01/2016 12:46

When you said you had no kids, I breathed a sigh of relief. This isn't something you have to tolerate any longer. As hard as walking away from someone is, I bet if you did you'd be so relieved looking back. You deserve more. He's only going to get worse. Would you do this to him or anyone else and if not, why? I'm betting because you treat people with respect and kindness.

Life has so much more to offer than just this. Get rid and build a better life for yourself.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 31/01/2016 12:47

He goes out with a barely charged phone, doesn't text all night and then crashes in at six/seven, pukes and pisses everywhere and is then out of action for the whole day

Good grief, OP ,why is your bar set so low??! What would you tell a friend or relative if they described what you've told us here? You're 31, you've got a whole lot ahead of you, don't waste it with a pisshead who will do this over and over again to you.

Zucker · 31/01/2016 12:49

Christ on a bike don't bring any children into this situation.

Does him being "lovely" for 6 days make up for the shit storm he brings to your life on the 7th and for however long the hangover lasts?

Lweji · 31/01/2016 12:52

What are your long term plans with him?

NameChange30 · 31/01/2016 12:53

"Whatever his problem is, whether it's a physical dependency or not, it makes your life miserable. You deserve a more considerate man."

If the word "alcoholic" isn't strictly accurate or is likely to make him defensive, I think it's safe to say instead that he has a drinking problem. That much is clear. And if he's not prepared to acknowledge it or do anything about it, the OP should walk away.

NameChange30 · 31/01/2016 12:54

I meant to also say I agreed with the bit I quoted!

MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 12:57

You say he's been out with his mates more often recently. How often does he usually see them? Do you go out much together and when you do is his behaviour similar in terms of how much he drinks or is it different?

lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 13:07

OP, please don't call police and hospital. If he's picked up drunk or dead, they'll call you. But it's depressing that someone's waiting on the line because of a drunk person's partner calling.

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2016 15:30

"OP, please don't call police and hospital. If he's picked up drunk or dead, they'll call you.""

Only if he has ID on him. I've had to phone the hospital/Police, to track people and there's always people taken in with no ID, it's useful for the Services to get them identified as soon as possible.

lorelei9 · 31/01/2016 15:37

oh fair enough Birds

I suppose it just chaps my ass the amount of time that gets spent on drunk people re the emergency services. Also, if he normally comes in around 7am after these episodes, calling the police at 9ish seems excessive but hey ho. I'd give it till the next morning tbh.

MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 15:40

*I always picture them spontaneously combusting, with sparks flying off their typing fingers

MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 15:42

ConfusedConfusedConfusedtried to cut & paste re the emergency services spending time on drunks as mentioned earlier and you get a quote from another thread instead! Damn iPad GrinGrinGrin

MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 15:45

What I wanted to say was, if not slightly off topic...

I suppose it just chaps my ass the amount of time that gets spent on drunk people re the emergency services

I agree.

Sometimes I watch those programmes where the emergency services are waking up people in the gutter and I wonder how the hell they can let themselves get into that state.

TwoTonTessie · 31/01/2016 15:49

Has he been doing this for the 6 years you've been together? I expect so and he will not change. Just leave and have a happier future without all this hassle.

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