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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 05/03/2016 21:04

Op someone once said to me 'all that left in this relationship is you' and it's very apt in your case. He's done you a favour. He's gone without too much hassle

It is the best thing that could have happened to you, you just don't see it yet.
Get out there with your friends and enjoy the nights you go to bed without wondering where he is. Enjoy the no drama.

MissBeaHaving · 05/03/2016 23:02

Aw Grape I'm sorry you are feeling so bad lovelyThanks
Is all of his gear gone ?

You need to look after number one now.
Pack up everything of his and get someone else to come & get it! Stay away from him altogether.

Get all of your friends around for a girls night & cry it out if you need to.
Also get them to help move the furniture around and swap things so it feels a bit different.

My younger sister went through this a few years ago,he absolutely broke her over the course of the relationship but she loved the bones of him,when he eventually left her in a heap on the floorI told her that in time she would find Mr.right...... Now she is with a lovely bloke who treats her so well & they have a beautiful baby.

You'll never find your prince whilst chasing the frog,leave him in the swamp where he belongs!

Meeep · 05/03/2016 23:37

Getting through a break up is hard.

Read this thread in a year.
If you have stayed separated you will be far happier in a year and will look back and be so pleased you are rid of him. Happier than you are now of course but also happier than you were with him too.
I promise. X

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 06/03/2016 20:57

I don't think I'm going to survive this. The pain, bloody hell. It's the worst thing I have ever experienced

OP posts:
BonitaFangita · 06/03/2016 21:03

You will survive this, you know you can. What do you miss? The uncertainty, the cruelty or just cleaning up his puke.
When you realise how strong you can be on your own, that's when you'll be able to meet the man who deserves you Flowers

Choughed · 06/03/2016 21:03

Grape, trust us, you'll get through this, and come out the other side stronger and happier.

I could tell you a really corny joke if that would cheer you up?Smile

Choughed · 06/03/2016 21:06

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a grape stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

Choughed · 06/03/2016 21:06

Q: "What's purple and huge and swims in the ocean?"

A: "Moby Grape."

Skittlesss · 06/03/2016 21:08

Grape, it'll get easier, we've all been there. You just need to ride it out. Keep busy and keep away from him.

Squeegle · 06/03/2016 21:25

It's sad; the death of your dreams is like a bereavement. And I agree it is painful... But be honest with yourself..... Do you think those dreams were ever going to come true? This is painful, but better than years and years of the same other pain that you get when someone doesn't respect you or treat you well.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 12/03/2016 18:21

Thought I'd post a positive update :) I've certainly done a lot of crying over the last two weeks but I've been using your advice and leaning on friends, tv, gigs and other positive things to get through.

I haven't cried for two days :D I am back on the antidepressants I stopped taking last year but it's only one every other day and GP says it's ok. Just a short term solution but I'm going to do whatever I can do get through this.

I did a proper flat clean today and it wasn't as painful as last weekend. Trying to make a nice space to live. Church friend is coming to see it tomorrow as she might move in.

If she doesn't want to, I'll tell him he can move back in and I'll find a flat share.

I feel very insecure and out of control but you can always grab some control somewhere can't you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 12/03/2016 18:22

Also had the best night with one of my absolute best friends last night, did a gig, got a little drunk and ended up sharing a bed with a very affectionate cat. That was just Friday!

OP posts:
deste · 12/03/2016 19:11

Please don't let him move back in because you will just be back to square one and you have done so well so far. He is a user and has absolutely no respect for you. You need to learn to love yourself more. Start taking control of your life. Come on, you can do it.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 12/03/2016 19:18

I think she's saying the ex could move back and she'll move out?
Grape, I'm really pleased to hear such a positive update. Way to go you!

Skittlesss · 13/03/2016 16:06

What a great update to read and well done for going back on your antidepressants, I'm really pleased that you've recognised that you need them again at this moment in time, and I think that really is a sign of strength and positiveness. You sound to be doing well, just hang in there - the worst is probably over and it will only get better now provided you stay strong and keep moving forward. :)

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 29/03/2016 18:45

Update :) feeling loads better. I've seen exDP at gigs I've done and it's been ok. I really did suffer for a couple of weeks but the ADs kicked in, friends have rallied round and I've found somewhere nice to live.

I've even been on a date.

One month on and things are brighter. I feel more awake than I ever have!

I'm still suffering but it's getting more manageable by the day as I get used to things. Just wanted to let you know. Thanks for being there and for your advice. I saw exDP out and he was so drunk, I thought to myself "I haven't got to worry about that anymore".

OP posts:
Thinnestofthinice · 29/03/2016 18:53

Brilliant news Smile great update, you sound lovely x

YouTheCat · 29/03/2016 18:53

Onwards and upwards. Smile

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 29/03/2016 19:15

Ah thank you. Knowing that he is happier now does hurt but it helps get over it. Will be a long process but there is light at the end of the tunnel now and I'm enjoying feeling more normal again and even defining new norms.

You are all amazing, not sure what I would have done without you.

OP posts:
JapaneseSlipper · 30/03/2016 19:51

Excellent news - you are doing great x

springydaffs · 30/03/2016 21:24

Sorry I'm coming to this right at the end and have only read your posts, Grape

He didn't leave you - he chose the booze over you. So far, so alcoholic Sad He was doing that all along: choosing the booze over you and everybody. Including his daughter whom he drove while pissed Angry

Have you been to al-anon? Plenty there who will know exactly what you've been through. Just don't take this 'leaving you' personally. It isn't personal, it isn't about you, it really is about him. Or, it really is about the booze. Things were ok as long as you let him put it first: once you stopped doing that you had to go. Because the booze comes FIRST. He very probably loved/loves you but he loves the booze MORE. It's his first love and always will be until and unless he does something about it, faces up to his alcoholism.

I know it's very painful to lose what you had with him ((hug)). Well done for getting through these last few weeks Flowers

Evanmiya · 13/02/2018 06:02

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING sorry to say this but this is reality
WOULD YOU DO THIS BEHAVIOUR NO!,!
Can you imagine if you slept out all night and isn’t it convenient the phone is off also ,let’s not sugar coat this ,the fact is he knows you are going to be worried and if his phone is off then he could use a friends and if not there are other phones he dosnt have the only phone on the planet
If he was in a accident he would have his phone on him and the chances of that are low
So getting back to the nitty gritty he is out having fun a opportunity came and he thought yeahhhh I’m enjoying myself and why shouldn’t I just turn off the phone that’s end of that stopping my fun and I c@n give any dumb arse excuse next morning as she will be so glad to see me , I can take the ear bashing it won’t last ,she will be in floods of tears and I just show few mins of empathy and say sorry and jobs a good one all sorted
OTHER OPTION please read about Narcissist ‘s OMG these people think they are so entitled to do it with no regards to your feelings ,they enjoy it as they PUNISH you for absolutely nothing yes that’s it for nothing

It is such a shock from going from being love bombed and put on a pedestal to their rages for no reason ,staying out cheating , putting you down ,nothing you do is good enough ,at first 6ou think what the hell is happening as you wait for them to go back to the loving person they where but beware it’s never going to happen get ready for the onslaught because it’s coming ,this love bombing like you are the Center of their world could go on for months or years then suddenly they decide they are bored with you and line up their next narcissist supply, of course you are not aware this is happening so he is taking his first night out of freedom as a narcissist thinks they are entitled to do so

Do yourself a favour read up about it and prepare yourself for the onslaught that is about to happen

Evanmiya · 13/02/2018 06:07

Oh and by the way YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG it all about them not you
They are so selfish it’s just unthinkable and unbelievable how selfish they are ,not 1 minute do they rethink about your suffering and heartache it causes you not to mention Axiety and a list of others ,it’s all about THEM THEM THEM how they have a fight to do what they want and you don’t

notsodimwit · 13/02/2018 06:17

Evanmiya

Put the beer down and get to bed!

WineAndTiramisu · 13/02/2018 06:29

I would hope, one year on, that grape is fine... ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!

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