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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 31/01/2016 09:59

This reply has been deleted

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MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 09:59

Why is it unfair. You've admitted he does it on regular occasions and as long as he's back by 6/7 or whatever you seem to be ok with it. It 's only because he's late this time that you're concerned. If it was me I'd be addressing his behaviour, not the time he comes crawling home.

DickDewy · 31/01/2016 10:00

Why on earth would you tolerate such behaviour?

MN is a different world sometimes.

Bunbaker · 31/01/2016 10:01

I'm glad he can be located, but seriously, you need to look at what you get out of this relationship. He treats you with disrespect and behaves like a teenager. If he pisses and pukes everywhere I would lock him out of the house until he sobers up.

You also need to stop looking after him or picking up the pieces after one of his sessions as this enables him to do it again.

This behaviour would be a deal breaker for me as well.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 10:01

He's way old enough at 43 to know that he's being rude and inconsiderate to stay out all night and make you worry. And that it's disgusting to come home in such a state you puke and piss everywhere. Who cleans that up? You? Whilst he sleeps?

He is either an alcoholic or he couldn't give a shit. Which one is it - or is it both?

I do feel for you. Lived with this for a few years myself. Changed the lock in the end.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/01/2016 10:01

Call round hospitals then police stations. I hope he comes back safe and well soon. Flowers

RainOhJoyus · 31/01/2016 10:02

No one can handle their strongbox if they're drinking it all night, it's not him not handling it, it's him and his problem. Whether it takes him 1 or 34 pints to feel drunk, it's his decision to keep going.

Puking and pissing all over the place is rank, I would say leave him in it, but if it's your house understand you would want to clean up a urine soaked carpet rather than let it set

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 31/01/2016 10:02

I'm terrible at handling my drink. So I don't go out and drink more than I can handle. It's that simple, you know what with being a responsible parent and adult Hmm

Murphyslaw21 · 31/01/2016 10:02

Sorry for the grief you are getting on here,

Pleased he is safe and sound.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 10:02

At I am not happy to put up with it and resent the implication that I'm some sort of drama llama that thrives on the attention. He has an issue with alcohol that I am pushing for him to get sorted.

Nowhere did I say I was cool with him getting in at six; I merely stated that it was more usual for him to do that.

I understand the outrage, I do. And he is getting a massive talking to and some ultimatums when he comes back and has slept it off. Trust me.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 31/01/2016 10:03

He's at a friends Bath.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 10:04

I do deserve the grief to some extent. My perception of normal is a little off for various reasons. I'm just not sure what to do when he is so lovely most of the time but a nightmare on the drink.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 31/01/2016 10:04

Yep and after you let him sleep it off I'm sure he will take every word seriously

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 10:04

None of that will work.

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 10:06

talking to won't work

ultimatum won't work

pushing him won't work

You stay with him like he is or you get out. I know what I would do.

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/01/2016 10:06

Will you be prepared to follow through? Ultimatums are only worthwhile if you go through with your threat, otherwise he'll know he can walk right over you.

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 10:09

It doesn't matter if she follows through or not. It won't stop him drinking. Only he can do that. And he won't do it unless he wants to, which he CLEARLY does not.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 10:10

I am prepared to follow through with threats which is why I rarely make them in general.

He's in a cab now and has text begging for forgiveness. He must have charged his phone overnight.

I've text him to say that he's done this three weekends out of five since Christmas now and that it's beyond a joke. He's clearly not happy if he's getting that blotto is he. I am not making him happy anymore

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 10:11

Well, unfortunately you can't - only he can find his way to aa. An ultimatum will tell him what you're prepared to put up with. So that's good. But it won't make him want to recover or change. Only he can do that. My ex had no intentions to chnage but his drinking was part of wider antisocial problems. I couldn't live with the abuse so changed the lock.

Theladyloriana · 31/01/2016 10:12

Bless you grape. It's so hard when you worry about someone and you love them. But this isn't OK and it's not OK for you.
It's a hard thing to look at but have you ever read about codependency? Opened my eyes to a lot I put up with in my life as 'normal', and why I was doing it. Best of luck, glad he's safe Flowers

Pipistrella · 31/01/2016 10:12

It's not your fault pet

You didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

I would be leaving him immediately.

MaisyMooMoo · 31/01/2016 10:13

But don't you see how dramatic your behaviour was, ringing round hospitals, the police station, friends etc just because he was delayed for a couple of hours. You wouldn't be behaving like this if he was behaving how he should be. Don't you see how he is having an impact on you. You have to think of yourself because he certainly doesn't. We're not attacking you OP, we're trying to help. Listen to the people on here who have been through similar situations. They know what they're talking about.

Theladyloriana · 31/01/2016 10:15

*I am not making him happy anymore
*

He is not making himself happy. And in the process distressing you. Every adult is responsible for their own happiness, and love between adults cannot be unconditional. Hope you're OK.

gatewalker · 31/01/2016 10:15

Grape - It has absolutely NOTHING to do with your not making him happy any more. You can't "make him happy", and even if you could, that's not your responsibility.

Please stop tolerating the intolerable.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 10:16

Alcoholism has nothing to do with the partner. It's not you that's making him drink. He might want to convince you of this. He might orchestrate a row to be able to flounce off down the pub. But it all begins and ends with him.

Often, it's not to do with happiness. He has an addiction to drink. He needs to see this but you can't make him see it. No matter how much you tell him it's wrong, he won't see it unless he wants to himself. You really have no control over this at all.

All you have control over is: will you stay with him or will you leave/have him leave? My advice is only stay if he seeks immediate help with his alcoholism. Then you can support him and hope he sorts it. But if he makes no efforts to change then you need to say goodbye, I'm afraid. Or live with the affects. Don't pity him. He has a choice to make.