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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help, boyfriend hasn't come home. AIBU to want to call the police?

487 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 31/01/2016 09:09

He has form for coming in at 6/7 am after an all nighter but this is really late for him. His phone is off. Starting to get worried. What's the next logical step here?

OP posts:
Choughed · 28/02/2016 09:50

I've read your threads about this man over the years. I'm so pleased you are finally seeing him for what he is, a pathetic drunkard who think he has the "right" to drink drive, let his daughter down for the sake of a booze night, and who has no regard for you or your feelings.

Don't think of the last six years, think of the next six. And the ones after that. You are young, free from constraints and you sound lovely, thoughtful and articulate. You deserve people who love you and respect you. Don't waste your time on an arsehole who pisses himself every time he goes to the pub.

rainbowstardrops · 28/02/2016 09:50

I think you should definitely go and stay with a friend OP.
I've only skimmed through but if he's regularly getting off his trolley, staying out all night AND moaning that you don't give him enough jiggy jiggy then I'd bet you bottom dollar that he's shagging elsewhere.
Leave him and find yourself again Flowers

Lweji · 28/02/2016 09:53

Unless you enjoy the drama, you should simply let go and walk away from this.
He's right that he can do what he likes and you can't control him.
So the question is: is this the relationship you want to be in?
Why haven't you walked away yet?

TwoLeftSocks · 28/02/2016 09:53

Or you could just leave him permanently and not give a shit about what he thinks as he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2016 09:58

"and if he wants to break the law by driving while he is still over the limit the next day then it's up to him and nothing to do with me."

So you report him to the police.

"he obviously doesn't give a shiny shite about you, his actions tell you everything you need to know. Don't waste any more of your life on this piece of shit"

This ^^

"I don't think you ARE a person with a mind of your own, unfortunately.
Your world seems to revolve completely around him."

And this ^^

He doesn't care about you At. All.

STOP BEING A DOORMAT

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 10:13

Definitely don't enjoy the drama. At all. And I've never tried to control him, ever. I'm not a controlling person but I feel he is making me out to be one by turning the situation around.

He drove his child home while still over the limit from the night before. I didn't know about his until he text me later in the afternoon. This has caused most of the anger I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 10:13

This

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 28/02/2016 10:16

You aren't controlling. Your pathetic excuse of a boyfriend is. People like him always turn things around to make it feel like it is your fault.

How can you not see this?
Why are you still with him?

And next time he drives over the limit ring the police. He won't know it was you.

FGS you life will never improve as long as you stay with him. Grow a pair and leave him.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 10:34

I'm growing a pair now, trust me. I'm going to go out and take a walk/get a coffee and then I'm going to call up some friends and assess my options.

I'm worth more than this and it is your posts that hammer this message home. I've been trying to work up the chutzpah to make an exit for a while. I do love him still and that is a block in the way.

I also have moderate ASD and ADD, I've never used these things as excuses for anything and have achieved qualifications and things without disclosing. I can "present" as fairly neurotypical but I do sometimes struggle with communication, this makes it easy for me to lose the meaning of what DP says and it means he can play the "but YOU said THAT" card when we argue, knowing that I will get confused and take it as writ.

Part of me feels vulnerable because of these issues and that's another reason why I am sometimes "better the devil you know".

It is hard. I'm a little younger than my years in many ways and am probably more like a 24/25 year old than my chronological age.

None of these things excuse staying with DP for so long when he treats me like shit, but hopefully they provide a little context and explain things a little better.

This isn't a dripfeed, I do mention this up thread

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 28/02/2016 10:42

I'm sorry I have come across as a little harsh, but you come across as a lovely person who doesn't need this kind of rubbish in your life.

I want to understand why you love someone who doesn't value or respect you, who clearly doesn't give a shit about you and who treats you like a doormat. Why has that not killed the love you feel for him?

This isn't normal behaviour, and this is not a normal relationship.

I have said it before and I will say it again. If you have no self respect you can't expect anyone else to have any respect for you.

You come on here asking for advice time and time again and then ignore it. Why?

Waltermittythesequel · 28/02/2016 10:43

He really doesn't like you very much, does he?

And this is what you've been putting up with since 25?

You're wasting your life. It's so sad.

Lweji · 28/02/2016 10:55

I don't think you are controlling or enjoying this at all, btw.
But it's still true that you can't control what he does. If he wants to be an arse you can't do anything about it.

You can choose to walk away, though.
Because as much as you love him, you should love yourself at least as much and this is not good for you. Or his DD, even.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 15:56

He's home now. Says he doesn't love me anymore :(

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 28/02/2016 15:59

He sounds pathetic.

Get rid

what a waste of time.

LIZS · 28/02/2016 15:59

If he ever did Angry makes your decision easier though. He wants you to plead and beg, please don't bother.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/02/2016 16:04

Good. No choice but to separate now. Thank him very much

Waltermittythesequel · 28/02/2016 16:04

Why the sad face? He's done you a massive favour.

bluecashmere · 28/02/2016 16:17

This is a control thing. Don't let him reel you in. You don't want him. Be strong!

Bunbaker · 28/02/2016 16:21

"Says he doesn't love me anymore"

We all know that already. He has been making that abundantly clear.

So now you know what to do.

Arrowfanatic · 28/02/2016 16:30

Sorry to see you're having a rough time but he sounds like a selfish twit. Drinking every night, going out on the lash on a Saturday, getting aggressively drunk, not bothering to turn up to spend time with you and now saying he doesn't love you.

Get rid love xxx

Goingtobeawesome · 28/02/2016 16:31

It's part thirteen of the controlling script. You're meant to cry and beg and change into what he wants now.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/02/2016 16:34

He's never going to change OP.

He's NEVER going to change.
He is NEVER going to change.
He is never going to CHANGE.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO

If you stay with him your life will be exactly the same as this thread week after week after week after week until one of you dies.

Leave him OP. You can do it.
Flowers

YoJesse · 28/02/2016 16:35

Sorry haven't read the whole thread yet but Ahhhh I've been put through this so many times. always safe as in not attacked, sometimes passed out nearby and coldHope he gets back safe.

Original poster
Grapeeatingweirdo · 28/02/2016 16:40

I've left with a bag and will stay with friends tonight. I can't stop crying!

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/02/2016 16:44

Well done.

It's understandable that you're crying, but he doesn't deserve those tears.

Your life can only get better now.

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